My stepmum and my kids

[brightreddress]

Hello,

I grew up with my dad, my stepmum and her children (my mother died when I was little). I wouldn't say she was like a mother to me but we were close enough, and obviously she was there all the time I was growing up, though she didn't take primary responsibility for me. My dad obviously really wanted things to work out (and they have) and encouraged me to get her mother's day cards etc. (but not to call her mum or anything).

Fast forward a couple of decades and I have my own very small children. When my eldest was born I put them forwards as grandma and grandpa, as a unit. My eldest loves them both as a result of this. However since then my stepmother has backed off. She has grandchildren by her own kids but her and my dad have become quite divided on this, each going off to see more of their 'own' grandchildren as well as visiting as a pair. I can understand the instincts behind it but I'm not really sure what to do re. encouraging my kids to see her as their grandma if she is not going to be fully involved.

What do you think I should do? I don't want to talk to her about it, that would go badly. It's kind of making it obvious to me that she doesn't really love me and that I am really missing my own mum something I was encouraged to forget as I grew up. It's also making it obvious to me that she will be one of those stepmums who leaves the whole of our family home to her bio children only etc. things I have never thought of as I have just considered them as 'my parents'. On reflection I wish I had taken a more 'dad's wife' approach and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling hurt/confused now.

Any thoughts welcome.

Kids accept what they have as normal. My daughter doesn't think of my stepmum as anything other than her nan. She doesn't analysis the step family situation, just judges them all on how much they input into her. I've got blood family that are less involved.

I think that as adults, we tend to think our kids will be as analytical as we are and they aren't.

I think the person to talk to in the first instance is your Dad. Is he aware of the way you feel? Does he know you see yourself as a Cinderella figure? Does he see this segregation of 'his and hers' grandchildren as a problem? If not, why not? How is the will phrased if inheritance is a concern?

She is your children's grandmother so that's just how it is. Children tend to take people as they find them so, if she doesn't bother with your DCs, I don't think they'll be all that worried. If your partner/husband's parents are closer (?) that might be all the grandparents they really need.

Unfortunately my husband's parents are v.old/quite absent. I can't really talk to my dad he's not strong enough to discuss things like this. I don't see myself as a Cinderella figure- I think that's a bit harsh. I am just putting down the facts. It is useful to think that kids don't really notice and I suppose you are all right -- I had relatives that seemed less involved but they were blood relatives.

My dad is a red herring really. He is very involved and loves my kids (and me), but simply cannot tolerate even listening to anyone else's feelings (if they are negative or doubtful).

Could you say to her "would you rather my children didn't call you grandma?"

I'd feel the same in your position. Not quite the same but when we had DCs, DH's dad had already died and his mum had remarried. She was keen for him to be grandpa but I referred to him as 'grandad x' (his name). It was a good idea tbh as they split and we never saw him again so i'm glad he wasn't perceived as grandpa from the start.

If you don't call her mum, could you just not refer to her as grandma but call her more by name and maybe your children will follow your lead and it won't be questioned by your dad and step mum?

I am really missing my own mum -- something I was encouraged to forget as I grew up.

Gosh this is so sad to hear. You must have so many unresolved issues from this alone. No wonder you're a bit worried about how your dc's should perceive their grandmother. I wouldn't worry too much about how much time she spends with your children as they'll tend to accept the relationship however weak, for what it is.

My grandmother 'my mum's adoptive mother' didn't spend lots of time with us either and I haven't grown up yearning for a grandmother figure. I just accepted it for the distant relationship it was and that was that. As long as your children know you love them very much, that's what really counts.

children have a clever way of focusing on the people that love them the most. If only adults could do the same we'd all be far happier. I'm sure your children notice who is invested in them emotionally and will follow suit.

Thanks everyone for your kind and helpful replies. I feel much better about it now, was feeling a bit sad yesterday when I posted.

Hello,

I read your post and just wanted to say that I totally understand the situation that you're in, as my situation was very, very similar to yours. In fact, bizarrely, my SM and dad were both around when I had my first DC, but they also backed off with the second, for reasons that I can only half get my head around.

Unfortunately, this hasn't ended well for me, in a way, in that I've had to actually face the fact that my SM actually doesn't like me and has manipulated my dad to the extent where I can no longer have a relationship with either of them and they don't want to know me or my kids. I'm trying to see this as a positive thing, ultimately, as at least I am finally seeing things as they are for the first time in my life. It's very hard to accept though - does your dad treat you differently to "their" children?

I think the other posters are right though, your children won't miss what they don't have. I only really had one grandparent that I had any real kind of relationship with growing up, and that made up for anything that I might have missed from not knowing the others.