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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I'm going to end things but feel sad

20 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 11/02/2015 20:57

This post is going to make me sound like a dramatic teenager so forgive me Grin

I met a lovely man OD in November last year. I really like him but since November we have only met up in person about 8 times. 3-4 of those times have been hour long lunch dates where he's met me from work. The last time I saw him was the 27th of January.

He works shifts, I work full time office hours and we are both single parents with only our mums to help us. However, for the last week I have been trying to pin him down to arranging a date and today he said he would ask his mum re. babysitting. He has just called and there was no mention of it.

He calls and texts regularly and is generous when we do meet. However, I just can't cope with the irregularity.

I just feel sad Hmm

OP posts:
Handywoman · 11/02/2015 21:05

Oh bless you, Thanks absolutely ok to feel sad. Still the right thing to do. Have a blub and a Wine and be ultra kind to yourself.

Not teenagery in the slightest.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 11/02/2015 21:06

Aww thanks, thought I was just going to get some sarcastic response Grin

OP posts:
TabbyNicki · 11/02/2015 21:24

Tell him you need to be some sort of priority in his life.

SelfLoathing · 11/02/2015 22:48

Didn't you post about this guy before?

I thought you were going on a 50 shades of grey date?

penniechews · 11/02/2015 22:59

Are you sure he's single?

If someone you're seeing doesn't suggest this Saturday be very wary.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 12/02/2015 06:48

Yes I did post about him before and he did initially suggest 50 shades (initially I thought you meant some sort of bondage themed date!!)

Also, he is doing overtime on Saturday. No wonder he has found it hard to get a gf for three years if he's like this to people.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 12/02/2015 07:25

I think what penniechews means is, he says he's doing overtime this Saturday. Trouble is, you've got no way of knowing that a person you've met with no 'context' (eg mutual friends) is who they say they are, and OD is rife with that.
Whatever the reason, he's not becoming the boyfriend you're loooking for, is he - so, time for the heavy hearted heave ho I fear. Sympathies - it took me a lot longer than a few months when I was in a similarish situation, and it wasn't easy, but it had to be done.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 12/02/2015 10:31

I recon he's married. Why he is so restricted

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/02/2015 11:54

Married/living with someone went through my mind. I know the problem of juggling work and sorting childcare out is tough but where there's a will, there's a way.

Either you keep seeing him on his terms or you tell him it's not working and you're calling it a day.

Rebecca2014 · 12/02/2015 12:53

Yes I remember you. I think he is married, there something dodgy but your well rid.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 12/02/2015 18:28

I've been to his house once and there was no evidence of anyone else living there but I guess it's fairly easy to put away pics/clothes etc. He showed me every room in the house so was fairly open. I got one text today which said "hope you have a nice day xx" I waited an hour and said "you too" Have heard nothing since. Kind of hope he doesn't ring tonight.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 12/02/2015 18:59

By the way, are you 'exclusive'? I don't think it's unreasonable, when in a relationship (rather than casually dating), always to know when you're going to see each other again. At least provisionally, so it's 'lets both get babysitters to do XYZ next Saturday' - maybe it falls through if you can't get babysitters, but then another date is fixed. You need some momentum to keep moving things forward, otherwise (I fear) it ends up with you waiting for the next text and not knowing where you stand.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 12/02/2015 19:25

Yes, we are exclusive. About 3 weeks after we met he said he was going to take himself off POF so I did the same. He was off work today doing shopping/haircut/housework etc. I would have loved it if he had met me for lunch and feel that had he really wanted to see me he would have done.

I know what I have to do Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 12/02/2015 20:44

Just seen a speed dating event in town and am about to book, wish me luck Grin

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 12/02/2015 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 12/02/2015 21:48

I will let him know tomorrow. He hasn't rung me this evening which is highly unusual. Maybe the lack of a kiss on the end of my last text message has prompted this silence, who knows? Confused

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 12/02/2015 23:03

Why do people have to jump to such extremities on here? I honestly do question whether this site is supportive, or actually counterproductive to trying to rationalise tough situations. After all, most of us are probably here because we've been stung and are therefore bitter.

I'm not sure I'd jump as far as saying the man is married. But what I will say is, if somebody is really in to tou, they'll find ways to see you, no matter how tough that is. They'd do it.

I dated a guy like this last year. From
September to December, we met up four times. Then I met somebody else in December, and there have been weeks where we've seen each other every day. Then on the more difficult weeks, we've met up even if only to grab a milkshake.

I'd sack him off. Even if he is very in to you, I think you deserve better than to sit around waiting for him to get a babysitter every few weeks.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 13/02/2015 07:02

Thanks Ginger, probably one of the most sensible responses and how I feel about the situation. I am not looking forward to telling him I want to be friends but will get it over and done with today.

Friday the 13th, unlucky for some eh??!!

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 13/02/2015 08:41

I hope it goes ok.

Just please, don't let this have any bearing on how you feel about yourself. When I dated that guy at the end of last year, I kept thinking, "It must be me."

But it wasn't; unfortunately, he had things that were far not important to him. Which was attending the gym.

Thankfully for your guy, his other thing is much more respectable; his commitment to his children. Alas, regardless of how respectable that is... You do deserve more. He just isn't in a position to give you that now, but you're life should not be put on hold to wait for when he is. We all deserve somebody who cherishes us.

Good luck today. Xx

SelfLoathing · 13/02/2015 22:48

Maybe the lack of a kiss on the end of my last text message has prompted this silence, who knows?

I'm not sure if you are joking - hope you are. But if you aren't, men don't notice stuff like "the lack of a kiss" on the end of a message. That is a very female and over-invested female way of thinking. It is in the spirit of "he signed my birthday card "Love from" oh-what-does-it- MEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN????". It means nothing.

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