Ended an abusive relationship, the enormity of what's ahead finally hit me

[Twotumsellie]

bit of background, with EXP for almost 4 years, relationship has always been controlled by him. 1 DD2 together and the abuse became worse when PG with DD2. also have DD1 from previous relationship.

I finally walked away 2 weeks ago after being financially controlled making it almost impossible to leave before then. he would watch me transfer my wages every month into the joint bank account and i would have to justify every penny i spent.
I couldn't treat my DD's. My DD1 (15) can not remember a time in our relationship where i had money when she asked for it. I always had to get her to ask her SD. i have had 2 hair cuts in 4 years! He drank alot and spent most evenings after work in the pub, we couldn't afford shoes for DD2 but he could afford to drink.
I hardly ever went out and if i did he would be waiting for me at the door demanding to know where i had been and why i was late back. He's smashed things up in the house. Screams and shouts, slams doors, kicks the dog and even threw a can of beer at my when i was feeding DD2.

i should have left a long time ago, but he had me financially in a way that i had no escape.
final straw when i discovered he has been using Dogging websites/casual sex websites and chatting up women via email text etc, watching an obscene amount of porn and he had even tried to put an app hider on his phone and had searched for secret messaging apps all in work time and on his work devices.
he claimed it was just curiosity and he hasn't acted. when i confronted him (not the first time, he has form for messaging other women) he flipped out and told DD2 (2) that he wished he had never stuck his c*ck in me and i should do everyone a favour and kill myself.
after everything i just had to get him out. I'm glad he has gone but....

what now?? he took my car ( i needed this for work, without it i would have lost my job)
he has left me in a house i can not afford (rented)
he has refused to contribute to a huge childcare bill each month (not eligable for TC)
he has refused maintenance
and now he wants to take me to court for 50/50 access.

i can hardly breathe with anxiety. i have managed to get a car but had to pay way over the odds for it on finance, i have no idea how i am going to make ends meet and i need to get out of this house asap before things get out of control.

i know i have done the right thing but today is so hard. i feel i need answers which i know i will never get and i have no idea how i can pull this off on my own

Ok, is your house mortgage or rented?

Rented. but its a huge place and I can not afford to live here on my own with my DD's. I HAVE to get out before debts start piling up

If the car is registered to you then you can report it as stolen. I would do this to ensure that if he commits any kind of crime (ie speeding, parking fines, etc) that you are not held responsible for it. You should get you car back.
House - as pp says is it morgaged or rented? check out if you're eligible for housing benefit if renting. If you are, you may be eligible for Countil tax benefit too.
Childcare - are you eligible for child tax benefit, working tax benefit, and of course the weekly child benefit?
He cannot refuese to pay maintanence - contact the CSA and let them sort him.
Threatening to take you to court for 50/50 access is one they always pull out of the hat. It's bullying and controling behaviour, and they rarely go through with it. It's simply to pull you back into line.

Stay strong. Take a big, deep breath, and enjoy the realisation that he cannot tell you what to do anymore.
You have control over your life, your finances, your future.
It may take time for this realisation to happen OP, but you are free. your daughters are free, and I'm so very glad for you.

Other posters will come along with more and probably better info than I have given here, but I think I've covered the basics.

Apologies for spelling mishaps, it's been a long day.

Call Women's Aid, love. They will put you in touch with professionals who can help you.

Do you earn too much to qualify for tax credits?

the car was in his name, it was his tool to keep me in line, every time i said i would leave he threatened to take it from me. he knew that without it i couldn't do my job.

Already contacted CSA. they have said they can not promise payment but they will do what they can in the mean time though i have 700 quid rent to pay, 700 childcare and 300 for a car. before i even start with bills and food and fuel etc. I don't qualify for any benefits. all in all i'm around 700 a moth short of where i need to be.

All i asked was for him to pay the measly 50 quid a week maintenance and to pay half the childcare.

this has resulted in huge rows, him and his mother telling me i am greedy and want nothing but money. his Mother even claimed that i didn't need a house or job as DD1 would live with them.
i have so far refused access outside of the house as i dont trust them to return DD1. they know i have no funds for legal advice and they said if they get DD1 it will be up to me to get an order to get her back.

i'm that stressed i can barely think

\yes, please call women's aid. they can help you with the practical issues and they will GET it, what you're going through.

xx

you can't do this on your own, love

what a twat and getting his deluded mother on board too....pair of fucking low lives

Have you handed in notice on the house? Do you have anywhere you can stay whilst you get yourself sorted out?

You can do this, absolutely you can. Posters here will hold your hand and Women's Aid will help with legal and professional know how. Don't let him or his mother bully and worry you, you're stronger than you realize right now. You just need some breathing space and to gather yourself together.

One bit of advice is if you can't manage financially in the short term inform your creditors about your situation. Face up to it, don't hide and don't be afraid to ask for help or benefits that will see you through.

Life for both you and your DDs will be much better than it has been. You'll soon be less scared and feel like a weight's been lifted

Did you know childcare tax credit is different from tax credits? With a childcare bill as big as yours you would need to earn a considerable sum to be excluded from applying.

60k a year is the cut off point for child benefit.

If you get an appointment at the CAB. They will go through all your I comings and outgoings and give you advice accordingly.

If you don't want to leave your house one option is to look on right move and get a two bed apartment, this would mean bunk beds for the girls but I bet they would be so much happier.

He is enjoying watching you struggle as he is hoping against hope that you will ask him back. He knows you can't afford things yet since he is abusive he isn't concerned about it because he likes to think your struggle will give him back his power. He's just waiting.

Another option for you would be to go part time at work. Doing this might release you to a whole range of benefits, housing benefit, tax credit, working tax credit and so on.

Do not give up. This is the hard part, so hard but stay strong. I can see he doesn't care about the girls either because if he did he would have helped you out by now.

Terrible husband, terrible role model, terrible father. You have done the right thing. He is furious inside because you have taken his control away.

Stay strong. And keep posting here.

After what he has put you through you can definitely do this, good advice above, stay strong.