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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I asking too much?

17 replies

Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:03

My DP and I have been together for 2.5 years and previously lived togeher, (now have moved due to work, tempoaraily for a yea, of which we are 6 months into it).

My DP travles a lot with work. This has meant that I have seen him very little over the last few months, as when he gets back to the UK, we are living apart so it's not like I see him as soon as he is back etc. When we lived together my DP was extremely attentive and loving. Although not massively generous with his money, he would always make sure I had everything I needed, and treated me from time to time with little things like my favourite sweets (the traditionakl sweep shop ones), or a bunch of flowers. In particular, when he worked abroad when we lived together, he would make a big fuss of me and take me for dinner etc before he left, and when he got back we would have a celebratory drink or another meal out. Although I didnt like him working abroad so much, this made it all fine - I felt secure, loved, wanted and appreciated.

So fast-forward to now, and he still works away but now we dont live together, so our time together is even more limited than before. He never takes me for dinner on the last day we will see one another before he leaves, he doens't message as much when he's away and there's no demonstration of any effort to make me feel loved while he is away for a month - he seems ot just assume I will wait for him at his beck and call and be here waiting when he gets back (which I always am).

Last weekend he got back from a month away. We spoke everyday but probably had one decent conversation due to crap wifi connections and different time zones. On his last day, he asked what i wanted to do for valentines day.... I said I didnt mind, he could decide. I felt hurt that he hadn't come up with a plan himself and wanted to surprise me. Not only because it's valentines day but also beacuse it will be the first day i have seen him in 4 weeks.

Most of m friends, (if not all, actually), live with their DPs. They are always going away at weekends and doing interesting things with their DP - essentially making memories. I feel like I see my old DP in my friends' DPs...

What makes it worse is that my DP has enough money to make more of an effort, and actually, the things he used to do like buying a bunch of flowers cost less than a fiver..this is all WELL iwthin his budget.

I have confronted DP about this - I said I felt unloved and not appreciated particularly conerning the travel abroad and the living apart. He said he could see that he hadn't made the effort, and suggested looking into going away in 2 weeks time for a weekend. Last night I emailed him a potential place to go...this afternoon I get an email asking if I had looked at transport options. Why doesnt he do this? I dont want to be with someone where I am the sole driving force for spending quality time with my DP.

Sorry for the first-world-problem post. I guess I just want to know if anyone thinks I am being overly demanding or unfair on my DP? Feel so distant from him, I actually feel like I am single in terms of my everyday life.

OP posts:
pompodd · 11/02/2015 16:15

To be honest it sounds like you expect him to make all the running. And you saying that when he worked abroad before it was fine because he made a fuss of you before and after sounds a bit shallow.

I don't mean that to sound harsh but, for example, why don't you organise something for Valentine's Day? Why does it have to be him organising? Why don't you surprise him - why does it have to be the other way around?

He is abroad working, you speak every day on the phone and then are complaining that he doesn't spend enough money on you! Unless I'm missing something I think you are being overly demanding.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 16:20

I was expecting you to say he had cancelled valentines or rejected the weekend away.

He may just be getting complacent BUT if that little voice in your head is saying something is up... It probably is.

Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:21

I have done lots for him in the past. I have booked restaurants, days out for him, always always spend more on him at Xmas and Birthdays etc. And that's never really bothered me.

It's more the fact that he seems to have changed a lot over the past few months. I often suggest doing x, y and z butnothing comes of it because he can never be bothered to actually go ahead with anything.

I feel like we rarely see one another and when we do it's never anything special. I don't expect extravegant gifts, and it's not about the money - it's the fact that I rarely see him and when I do he's never gone out of his way to do anything nice/special. I genuinely cant think of a fun/new experience we have had togehter as a couple doing something as a couple, for the past 7 months.

OP posts:
pompodd · 11/02/2015 16:24

Ah, ok. In that case I agree with Queen. Your OP made it sound like you were annoyed that he didn't buy you sweets anymore Confused.

Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:27

Haha no, it's just a general feeling of indifference from him. I get that as couples are together longer, some things disappear like that.

But it's the big things I'm upset about. Having not seen him for a month, you'd think the frst day off work that he had, he would want to see him...but no, he wants a day at the gym...

Then the wekeend comes, and he asks me what I want to do on valentines... not as in 'whatever you want to do we can do'...more just asking out of laziness, it seems.

3 months ago he said he wanted to take me to edinburgh for a weekend in feb for valenties... nothing has come of it, and i knew at the time it wouldnt. just dont understand it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 16:32

I think he's got a big case of CantBeArsedItis. ... :) His life is fine as it is. You're cheap to run and don't make any big demands on his time or attention. Would he describe you as a 'DP' or a more casual girlfriend?

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 16:36

Op maybe it's run its natural course. One of the big things I regret is staying relationships too long. I've been with DP five years now and he still spoils me or does nice things. Time for a chat with him I think.

Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:37

He says he wants to marry me, cant wait for our home etc etc.

He's FAB at the talking part.

I just feel so stupid because im a hugely loyal person and I can genuinely say that to this day I would do anything for him...I always email him random 'cute' emails every now and then, and I will buy him random things I see that remind me of him. If aything, I perhaps do itmore now because we live apart so I feel it's more important.

I have told him all this..im really open (too much so sometimes!), and he says he wants to try harder...then he doesnt. He never acts on anything, ever. Just feel so under-appreciated and fed up.

OP posts:
Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 16:38

But it's the big things I'm upset about. Having not seen him for a month, you'd think the frst day off work that he had, he would want to see him...but no, he wants a day at the gym

Most partners would be gagging to get you to bed. Red flag right there .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 16:43

OK so he cant be arsed but, by the same token, you sound like you're trying a bit too hard, overcompensating and maybe coming across as needy. Do you have a good life of your own while he's away, plenty of friends, sociable stuff to do or are you literally waiting for him to return? If he goes to the gym when he gets back what could you be doing instead?

Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:43

I know, that upsets me, too. He says he has a low sex drive (he does as it's been like this since the day we met pretty much), but he never makes me feel wanted.

I feel like I am being unfair on him as he is a good person. And if I needed him, I'm sure he would be there for me, he always has been in the past.

But I just felt so empty recently..

OP posts:
Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:44

no pun intended!

OP posts:
Annabelflies12 · 11/02/2015 16:46

Cognito - I do have my own life. I see friends on a regular basis after work in the week and have my own career and interests.

At weekends I put pressure on it I guess as they are the only time I see DP. And if we dont se one another then, it feels even more like a uni style relationship than it already is.

OP posts:
Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 16:50

anna if he doesn't make you feel wanted find somebody that does. Working away for a month and then not desperately wanting to see your lover straight away is a bit off for me. He can go gym any time.

When people treat you like this it can sometimes make you want to pull them even more closer. I know the feeling. My ex was similar.

Follow your gut feeling.

ginmakesitallok · 11/02/2015 16:50

Before we had kids my dp lived and worked away for about a year. It just about broke us. There was always so much pressure to make what little time we had together special. He just wanted to come home, laze about and have a normal weekend, I wanted hearts and flowers. It was awful. Luckily he got a job at home, of he'd been away any longer we would have split up.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 16:54

Also the messaging while away. I used to text my ex every day and once I left it and it was nearly a bloody week before he rang to see what was wrong.

Maybe he has got very complacent and expects you to just be there OR he is not that arsed about things.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2015 17:00

Annabel

I personally think you are too good for this individual and his mother certainly does not like you at all. He may well be a good person in your eyes but he is really not good for you is he?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. His low sex drive is a big problem too. Any love you have for him could swiftly turn to resentment.

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