Need help for abused elderly aunt

[Bogeyface]

My aunt is in her late 70's but physically and mentally very well.

He has been abusive since day one (they have been married over 40 years)
Had affairs, left come back, had affairs, verbally and emotionally abused her, we suspect financial and physical abuse too.
He is getting worse and worse and we suspect there now may be some dementia involved in his behaviour, which was fucking appalling to start with so you can imagine how bad he is now.
She stayed because leaving when the kids were small was much harder then than it is now and he would have seen her without a penny or a home (the family wouldnt but I think she didnt see that).
She is now at the end of her rope. He is projecting, almost certainly. He accuses of her of having alzhiemers (sp?), of being "mental", of forgetting things that he forgot and the abuse is really ramping up.
She seems, finally, to have had enough.

She is not in a fit state to see solicitors, I dont think she is particularly bothered about divorce, she just wants him to sod off and leave her alone. We all want him to do that. She is mentally very competent, he has just destroyed her confidence utterly and I dont think she could take it in. My worry is that without divorce she wont be left alone, he simply wouldnt accept it.

Were do we start in finding someone for her to talk to about this? AgeUK have been fairly hopeless in the past with other issues, and I worry that WomensAid may be a bit too full on for her. But she needs to know that she wont be without money or a home if she leaves him, something he has always threatened her with as it is his home. She doesnt really believe that she would be able to claim anything, although I have told her that whatever he could have got away with before, the law has changed and she has rights, she just says "he wouldnt let me take anything".

Its breaking my heart that she wasted her life on this man, and may waste the years she has left because she thinks she has no choice but to stay. She would never live with family, we have tried to persuade her but she doesnt want to be a nuisance :(
Any advice would be welcome.

TIA

Your best entry point for help might be her GP if you think the husband's behaviour is symptomatic of mental illness. My DM has recently been diagnosed with dementia after her behaviour had become extreme. She is being treated successfully at home but the medical team were very concerned for my father's welfare and it was clear that they saw him as a vulnerable adult. If your aunt goes a similar route she may find it easier to get help

Could you find a sympathetic solicitor for her? I think it would be good for her to know what she would be entitled to, and how to go about getting it. If she just ups and leaves, with no divorce he may well refuse her anything, so how would she live?

Can you go to appointments with her, to give her more confidence?

The problem with going to the GP is that she could well end up in a situation where she is caring for him. He is very good at hiding the way he treats her, he is charm personified to everyone else and if you didnt know him well you wouldnt think that there was a problem with him. Its only in terms of the way he treats her that there has been a significant change, going from bloody awful to fucking dreadful. So either the GP says nothing is majorly wrong and he goes mental at her because she went to the docs about him, or he says yes there is something wrong and she will feel she cant leave as he needs care. SS blackmailed her and my mother into caring for my grandma who really needed to be in a home, I know she would stay.

I do think that a solicitors visit would be a good idea but would I be able to go initially, explain the situation and then ask them to talk to her? Is that even allowed? It would just be so that I could outline how worried she is and how confused she is about her rights and that she needs gentle handling (for want of a better phrase).

I would still consider a word with Women's Aid. Her story won't be new to them, and if she would feel comfortable talking to them, this is one place to start. I would also encourage her to accept the help of her family in any way possible. You or other family members could help her find and speak to a solicitor, for example - there is no reason she can't be accompanied, too, if she would like such support.

A solicitor will help clarify the current state of the law and what her options may be.

Perhaps also work towards finding a counsellor to help your aunt sort out her feelings, if she doesn't want to confide in family. Some counsellors offer telephone support if this would be more helpful to her.

The local police may be a good start, I know when I was working with ours there were female officers who specialised in domestic abuse. They may be a able to help in a non uniform, softly, used to dealing with vulnerable adults sort of way.
Worth you finding out if such people are in your area, also a women's centre if there are any near you?

The idea of the police would terrify her, I am sure of it.

I might give womens aid a ring and see if they can point us in the direction of a local place that might help.

I also think Women's Aid would be a good idea. I'm a GP and see a fair number of elderly women in this situation, so it's something Women's Aid will definitely be familiar with.

The poor woman. You said that she had children - how do they fit into all this?

I also believe that a solicitor would be a good idea. I seem to recall on a previous thread (some months back) that a solicitor who was posting recommended this organisation in what was probably an elder abuse case. Maybe you could contact them?

(Or keep an eye on this thread/post on the legal board and someone who has worked in this area may also comment.)

Her children live away and I am not sure what they know of the situation. One hates his guts and will have nothing to do with him but they live outside the UK, she could possibly go there but I think there would be issues with sponsorship etc. Her other child is within the UK but a long way away and I dont they really appreciate how bad things are. She wouldnt want to move to them.

Basically, she has me and mum to help her through this and we are both worried sick.

Thank you for the link, thats really useful :)

There is a solicitor locally that specialises in elder abuse, not sure if that means he could help with spousal abuse, but its a start.

thanks

I suspect he'd be able to help - her husband's behaviour possibly being age-related and her own age itself would both speak to that. He'll certainly be familiar with the general issues I would have thought so that if it's not directly in his area, he'd be able to steer you.

Best of luck.

PS - if you go to see him, it's sometimes a good idea to write things down beforehand. (Your OP is a fair start.) Solicitors are usually a fairly quick study and it would make the most of your time if he didn't have to tease information out of you - even if you just used the writings as an aide memoire.

Yeah, I have already started a bullet point list for ringing people.

It isnt age related in that he has abused he consistently for almost 50 years :( Its just now that he has got worse she has had enough.

I am just worried that a diagnosis will be thrown into the mix and she will feel duty bound to care for him. Frankly, fuck him. After what he has done to her over the years, he doesnt deserve anything from her apart from divorce papers.

See how it goes. Solicitors can be pretty hard nuts and someone who has been involved with elder abuse has likely seen more than most: it can be just as harrowing as child abuse with the oft-added complexity of assets giving people glassy eyes.

As I said, I should imagine that if it's not absolutely square in his patch, he'll be able to steer you pretty quickly to the best person for her locally.

You mention assets and that is a worry too. It concerns me that she would sign away her rightful share of the marital assets if he bullies her (and he would fucking try), which could leave her really vulnerable if she needs care. All the threads going on at the moment about men trying to leave their ex's with nothing, any one of them could be him. Thats why she needs legal advice imo, before she even thinks about actually leaving. It think my mums idea is "lets get her out and then deal with the legals afterwards" but that could be really damaging for my aunt.

Thankfully all her assets would go to her children, so the bastard could never accuse me of trying to do anything in that department.

Get it all down on your piece of paper as questions to put to him and then see what the cut of his jib is like.

An intelligent and thoughtful shark would be nice. (On your aunt's side at least. )

If he's abusive, it could be a safeguarding matter. You could rouse SS to do something if you followed that path.

Random yes, I have that in mind, but her fear is palpable, I need to tread slowly and carefully and not rush her. She needs to do this in her own time and I fear that if SS get involved she may be pushed down the path quicker than she can cope with.

That said, I wont hesitate to call if he does ramp it up further, especially if he gets wind of what she is planning.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your help :)

If she can't help herself out of this awful situation I'd say taking to soc services as a vulnerable persin in need of adult safeguarding.

You poor aunt :(

She can help herself out, she just needs to take it at her own pace. Just like all the abused women who post on MN, she needs to get her ducks in a row. She, like them, has been browbeaten into believing she has no rights to her home, her money, her freedom and she has had it for much longer. Its going to be a slow process and I would rather hold her hand through that than rush her before she is ready.

If I contact SS about this and it becomes a safeguarding issue then it is taken out of our hands to a certain extent. She needs to be happy with every decision made, I am helping her not pushing her.

She is strong and capable, far more than the bastard, she just needs to be allowed time to process what is happening, what her options are and what she wants to do.

So it sounds as if it's at all feasible, she WANTS to go, yes? Legal advice is a must so that she understands her legal position and rights. Does she even know what assets they have and whose name they are in? Does she have access to funds? Independent income/pension?

Once she knows her financial position, does she have a safe place to go until her finances are straight? Obviously he isn't going to just hand over 50% of their assets so some type of divorce/settlement will have to be done to get her her fair share of the marital assets/income to enable her to live separately, and that takes time.

Ask her if she'd be willing to see a solicitor accompanied by one of you. Assure her that it doesn't mean she has to actually do anything. It's just an 'informational visit'. Tell her you can book the appointment in your name if she's that worried about him finding out.

God bless her, poor thing. A friend's mum had a similar situation but was just too frightened to leave, despite her daughter's pleas. I think that poor woman probably prayed nightly that her husband would just die so she would be free. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way and she died first.

Yes she does want to leave but I think she believes that if she does then she will be leaving with a suitcase and thats it.

My problem is helping her to understand that it neednt be like that.

She does have a safe place to go but she wont go there. My mother would have her in a heart beat but she a) doesnt want to put people out and b) wants to stay in her home.

I cant say too much for fear of outing her but he isnt at the marital home for about 8 months of the year apart from the odd visit, those 8 months are bliss for her. But the 4 months he has to be there are hell and the abuse ramps up over the 4 months. In all honesty I dont think he wants to be with her but he doesnt want her to be free (the old story....) and he wont give up "his" house to her unless he is forced to. It could be sold with enough equity to get them both somewhere but he would fight that tooth and nail.

as for assets etc, she knows about the house and her pension but thats about it. And I know him, he has almost certainly got savings etc that she doesnt know about so sorting out paperwork is a priority. I have already worked out a plan to get photocopies of everything in the house (he keeps it there) so that he wont know she knows. She knows where his paperwork is but wont look :(

If she does see a solicitor then I will go, probably mum too. My main worry is that she will see it as easier to stay with him than to leave, despite how unhappy she has been for so many years.

For my part, I think that even if she only has 1 year left (I am sure she has many more), I would rather it was a happy year.

It's good that your aunt has you and your mum on her side. I don't doubt she is strong and capable, having shown such endurance, but it always helps to have good support.

I know of someone in a similar position, though a little older and not so strong. Her friends are starting to rally round and try to help her. The problem is, in essence, the same: helping her understand it doesn't have to be like that.

Sounds like a real bastard! Is there any way she would be able to be elsewhere during at least part of that 4 months? Could/Would she be able to go see her children then? If he really doesn't want her around, maybe he wouldn't mind if she was gone when he was there.

Good idea to get copies of everything. Keep them at yours or your mum's! Maybe your mum could take Auntie out of the house whilst you do the copying. Then she could honestly say to herself that she did/knows nothing. But if he's gone 8 months, is it likely that he keeps records wherever he is then? Could he have foreign or secret accounts wherever he is? Really though, as long as she has enough to be comfortable, even if it isn't half of everything, that would be good enough for me!

You and your mum probably know enough that, once copies are made, you and she could see a solicitor without her and just deal with 'hypotheticals'. Although a solicitor wouldn't be able to give you specifics, I'd think he/she could give you a good idea of what options there are. Then you could relay that information to her and help her work her way through her fears and hesitations.

I just feel so bad for her.

Awful situation. A good thing about solicitors, though, is that they tend to know all the relevant people locally so it's usually just a phone call from them if necessary. I'm sort of assuming that you or your mother would be going with her on at least the first occasion but having someone who specializes in elder abuse cases (even if he's not the ideal person in the long run) likely means that he's used to dealing with older people and their concerns so would be a fairly easy person for your aunt to talk to. Good luck to her anyway.