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Original poster

Getting it out there

15 replies

LoisPuddingLane · 11/02/2015 15:28

This is not related to a specific, ongoing situation. It's more a general query. As I've got older, men tend to want me only for sex, or a few dates and sex. I don't want this. I've never wanted it - I'm not sure how this has become the way things happen.

So, when you first start seeing someone, and you are he are both MAD keen to get each other into bed, how do you get it out there without being heavy about it that you want more than just a recreational thing? I suppose the first step is to believe you deserve more than that.

I know that there are two schools of thought on the "sleeping with someone quickly" front. I tend to be of the mind (and it seems to be true in my experience) that if they are going to bugger off after sex, they will do it whether you wait a few dates or not.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
LoisPuddingLane · 11/02/2015 15:29

you AND he, that should read...

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 11/02/2015 15:33

How are you meeting these guys?

I tend to only use dating websites - you can make it clear in your profile that you want a LTR. And don't accept date requests from guys who have ticked "casual sex" or "short term dating". But if you're meeting them through friends or whatever I guess it's more difficult to avoid timewasters.

Original poster
LoisPuddingLane · 11/02/2015 15:36

Dating websites. And even when I've said clearly I'm looking for a relationship, I still get the recreational ones. It's probably partly my fault because hormones can get the better of one. I should hold out for a hero, as Bonnie Tyler said.

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TRexingInAsda · 11/02/2015 15:50

I think the problem is some of the people you are meeting just don't care what you want, they care what they want. All you can do is be clear about what you want, and use your judgement as to whether they seem to want the same thing. I don't think there's any magic number of dates to wait/not wait to have sex on which will solve this problem.

Original poster
LoisPuddingLane · 11/02/2015 15:55

Yes, I think you are right.

Am I the only one who gets overwhelmed by The Great Lust, though? Sometimes it's hard to put it back in its box, so to speak.

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TRexingInAsda · 11/02/2015 20:43

The Great Lust eh? Lucky you. I look at most men with revulsion tbh! Grin

woowoo22 · 11/02/2015 21:32

I have The Great Lust RIGHT NOW and no outlet for it (sob). I think I am ovulating. Now and right before AF is the worst. I can't bring myself to order something from lovehoney etc as I think it will just disappoint me.

And I was planning to have actual sex with someone then he turned into a wanker. Argh. Why couldn't he have turned into a wanker after I'd had sex with him??!! Why?!

Original poster
LoisPuddingLane · 11/02/2015 21:49

hahah woowoo! Yes, I get the Great Lust quite a lot. It used to be more at ovulation but as the MENOPAUSE looms it's pretty much all the time. It can lead me into trouble.

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woowoo22 · 11/02/2015 22:20

All the time - how do you cope?? Seriously?! That sounds awful. Good in a way but also awful.

I swear I look at the most inappropriate people at work in a different light when I am feeling certain urges Wink

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 11/02/2015 22:34

I'm envious Lois. I'm peri menopausal and I've only had the Great Lust twice in my whole life. And can't imagine ever having it again or even having any lust again.

I don't have much to offer by way of advice.
I'm assuming you're dating men around the 45-55 age group. In my experience a few years ago, I found that all the ones I dated were newly out of long relationships, ie 20-30 year marriages, had heard 'young uns' Wink going on about all the sex available through online dating, and that was all they wanted. Not just men, a lot of my newly single women friends of my age were the same.

Original poster
LoisPuddingLane · 11/02/2015 23:03

How do I cope? I tend to go from one unrequited crush to the next, and I sort myself out in the time-honoured fashion. You know.

But when it comes to dating, it's just a big mess. The men of my age group (45-55) are just not interested at all. I get the younguns (25ish upwards) and they are mainly just looking for sex. I want a relationship. But not with a 25 year old. And then some of them are gorgeous and you get sucked in, so to speak.

I want a relationship with someone. The last person nearish my age I went out with for more than one date said he was looking for a relationship, but was just after sex. It's a minefield.

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woowoo22 · 12/02/2015 21:07

Why on earth are the ones your age not interested? It is so weird, isn't it.

Definitely a minefield. Sad

TwitterWooooo · 12/02/2015 22:07

I friend of mine reckons, men of 45-55 hook up with younger women. The men have worked hard, gave money and can afford to take them places and treat them "nicely!". Hth. Makes sense to me!

TwitterWooooo · 12/02/2015 22:07

Gave should be have.

Original poster
LoisPuddingLane · 13/02/2015 13:24

Yes, that's about it. The men my age are looking for younger women because - well why wouldn't they. If you can get a younger, shinier model...

So it's the 25-40s that I get, because older women are "in" - for fucking anyway. Not for being your girlfriend.

It's a minefield. And given my hormonal stew, it takes a lot of will power to turn down a "romp", even when it isn't what my head and heart want.

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