am I being unreasonable

[southbelle09]

I've been with my OH for 8 years but as time goes on I'm becoming to really resent being with him, it's like I have an extra child. I'd like another person's perspective coz perhaps it's me just being over dramatic & expecting too much.

I have 3 children, 2 with my ex & one with him. My son is a teen, has aspergers & can be challenging, the eldest is at college & can look after herself & mine & the OH child is 5. I don't work as I am my sons full time carer, he goes to an ASD unit to be schooled & i have to be available at a moments notice to go there if something has happened. I am responsible for everything non bill related. I contribute £480 towards bills per month by transferring the money to his account & i buy all the shopping. I also put £100 of fuel in a month despite the only driving I do is to take the kids to school/college & to go shopping. Before I drove I wasn't expected to put any fuel in, the bulk of the fuel is used to & from his work as it's a 40 mile round trip.

Ok so he works a very well paid 12 hour night shift, 4 on, 4 off. On his work days he gets in, sits there then goes to bed before 8am. Gets up at 5pm sits looking at his phone waiting for his coffee & 'breakfast' to be given to him. My day starts at 6.30am...earlier lately due to pain ( I'll explain later) I get my asperger teen up first as there's lots of nagging before he actually gets downstairs. Then I wake the youngest. By the time they get downstairs the OH is home but I Do their breakfast, sort their lunches, get the youngest dressed, provide drinks, get all the school stuff together, feed the cat & dog, make sure puppy is in the crate before leaving so nothing gets destroyed & then we're out the door. When the oldest has college she helps once she's downstairs. When I get home I clear up the mess made doing breakfast/lunches, tidy up, hoover, sit with a cup of tea wondering what to do OH for lunch for work. Play with pup a bit, clean floors because of pup related accidents then spend half an hour wasting time playing bubble witch or farm heroes. Then I read my emails, check what appointments are coming up, phone people that need to be phoned. Put pup back in crate & go shopping. Then get in let pup out, feed her, have lunch, watch news, have tea, check emails, go get kids from school. Then once I'm back i have to do the OH lunch for work, make sure all the cutlery is in there too otherwise I get a text saying there's nothing to eat with when it's his lunchtime. Then I iron his clothes for work & do his coffee & breakfast once he's up. Then i sort out our dinners. Some days are worse & non stop to the point I don't get lunch before having to pick the kids up , others not so bad. When he's not working he stays in bed while I get up & sort everything out as usual then occasionally he will get up just as I'm about to go out the door saying he will take them. Once he's back he sits & plays x box with his friends online, occasionally makes me a cup of tea, expects breakfast & lunch to be served to him then tells me what he'd like for dinner...so I go shopping. Sometimes he also picks the kids up too when he's off if he's not too busy with his mates. There is no real difference in my days whether he's working or not other than I have to look after someone during the day as well as the dog when he's off & he takes over the front room tv all day.

Ok so the pain...I had a back op in 2012 as I was in severe pain with a slipped disc & after 5 months & being told worst case scenario is i lose feeling forever decided it needed to be done. I cannot describe the pain I was in but the op wasn't an absolute success. When I woke up my foot was numb & has remained so to varying degrees to this day. My parents paid OH wages for 2 months so he could stay off work to look after me & everyone else so I could recuperate. By the end of the first week he was already bored of doing things so I got on with it which is why I think i still get so much pain. I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy but he refuses to come shopping, i do the washing but find it hard to lift the wet clothes from the washer then carry them outside to the garage where the tumble dryer is. When I do it I end up in more pain but last time I asked for help the washing was sat in the machine 3 days.

Today was the final straw. I woke up at 5.30am in pain...I've done too much & lifted too much over the weekend & this week so far which is flaring up the pain still. when I'm in pain I do things slower & generally don't have a smile plastered over my face. He gets in this morning, sits down, plays with the pup...I'm doing all the breakfast stuff. Once I'm done with that he asks how I am & i say in pain same shit different day to which I get a torrent of gob for being a self pitying attention seeker who needs to get on with my life how it is now & stop getting into depressive moods!! I just burst into tears & said well would it really kill you to help me in the mornings...his reply was what you want me to make the lunches while I'm driving home from working 12 hours. Our little Un still needed to get dressed, the dog still needed to be fed but he chose to say that & then storm off upstairs & slam the bedroom door. Leaving me to still do everything as apparently the only help he could possibly give would be to do the lunches on the way home??

Previous arguments we've had have always been the same sort of thing, he thinks because he works he shouldn't have to do anything else is basically what it comes down to. He wants his time off to be his time off. He has very little interaction with our DD to the point that if I'm going out when she's home she doesn't want to stay with him she wants to come with me & will cry Usually because he shouts at her for getting in front of the tv when he's playing his game. Driving in the mornings is getting more painful, the pain is the left side of my back & down my leg so using the clutch seems to aggravate it, i seem to have been ill with a cold for the last 3 weeks coz i just can't shake it. I've talked to him previously about ending the relationship & he said yeah ok so how you gonna put a roof over your head, you've got no money to afford to rent a house...he's right i don't. So I stay knowing that when he's working I'll only have to see him an hour a day & when he's not he's too busy with his game anyway. Must admit today it's got to the point where I could just pack my stuff, the kids stuff & just leave!

I guess what I'd like is feedback.on if I'm.being unreasonable by expecting him to do at least something more than he does. Sorry for the long post & if you stuck with it....thank you xx

YANBU

IT is completely reasonable to expect some help and input from him. But he doesn't sound like he's the type to give it. He sounds horrible and you sound very unhappy :-( Why are you paying for the fuel for him to get to work?

If you're paying £480 a month plus fuel, you must have some money coming from somewhere?

He sounds like a complete arsehole. Does he contribute anything to your relationship other than the £480 which he apparently feels entitled him to treat you like shit.

You are being completely reasonable to expect him to share the various tasks involved in having a home and family - that's what a marriage/partnership is.

He is treating you like servant, not his wife. And that's just his usual attitude. To then start having a go at you for being honest about being in pain from a long term condition, is outrageous!

It sounds as though you've been more than patient and 'understanding' over the years. It's time to get tough, or it's just going to carry on like this for the rest of your life...

Have you had a serious think about getting him to leave? He would have to pay maintenance for you and the children and you'd be entitled to various benefits.

There will be other posters who will be able to point you in the right direction for advice and information. I just wanted you to know that someone was listening to you!

Sorry, ignore the £480 in my post, got my details mixed up...but my point remains - what does he contribute other than cash?

You are not being unreasonable. Good god you are a super hero doing all that while you are in pain. What a fucking man child he is.

You would get help with your rent etc if you left him. Plus you wouldn't have to pay for his fuel to work. Check out the entitledto website to see what you could get. You would get housing benefit etc.

What is he currently bringing to your life? You do it all anyway. Your child cries when she has to stay with him, how awful that she feels that way about her father. :(

Don't stay.

The stress of living with such a person will make you ill, my parents had a toxic relationship like this. As soon as my dad retired he got one illness after another. Instead of enjoying his retirement, he's on about 15 different medications. He only leaved his bed for a couple of hours a day.

My mum tells him he should be grateful to have his sight.

And you most definitely ANBU to want to be treated like a proper persn in your relationship.

The £480 comes from housing benefit & 2 weeks of tax credits...we need a 4 bedroom house because of the kids ages & they're expensive hence the top up otherwise almost half his wages would go in rent. The housing benefit had to be sorted out by me as he didn't want anything to do with the regular checks & information you have to provide whenever they feel like it. On top of that he has 2 weeks of tax credits. I get carers allowance, child benefit & Dla for my son...which I'd like to point out goes on him for things he needs, his specific dietary needs & his gaming ssubscriptions. I also get money from my ex for the kids I had with him. I've asked him to leave & he just laughs & says good luck getting a roof over your head then, do you really think the letting agent will let you keep this place on on your own considering it was my wages that allowed us to get it. I've said I'll move out with the kids like I had to with my ex & get so you'll sleep where because the council don't want to know. They were useless when I left my ex saying they could only put me in a hostel or b & b with the kids & aren't helpful at all. I've been told they will supply a deposit bond for a private rent deposit but trying to find a let that will accept it is impossible let alone allowing someone on full housing benefit to rent. I feel so stuck, i got given some money last year & because over the course of our relationship when his dad gave him a chunk of money he paid off a catalogue for me, a loan, given me money to get out of my overdraf, paid for our previous car & giving me £1000 when he got a £7500 loan for a £5500 motorbike he wanted i was told basically I owed him £7000 out of what I got. I transferred £2000 to him & he persuaded me to use £5000 of what I had left along with the £5000 I still owed him to buy a car, the car was actually £11500 & i paid for a years tax. I paid half the deposit & first months rent for where we live now & we had a holiday between xmas & new year to disneyland which used up the rest so I have nothing left now.

I'm just so unhappy & all I ever get is sorry for the way I was i was tired. I have texts on.my phone from.previous arguments we've had where he's said he's sorry & he'll do more...it lasts for a few days then he goes back to normal. His dad is an absolute arsehole who has led his mum a dogs life. He was brought up in an old fashioned man works & pays bills & woman does everything else household & lived at home until he was 27 with his mum waiting on him like she did his dad but he's 42 now ffs & we've been together 8 years surely he knows it's not right by now considering the amount of arguments & constantly broken promises

This is terrible

He's completely controlling you with money, has you in a very vulnerable position, and treats you like shit to show you that.

You really don't have to justify to us what your DLA money goes on wrt your son - it is being given to you for a reason so please don't think that you have to explain that. It sounds like it is far better to get him to leave and up your housing benefit for the place you are already in than try to get somewhere new because as you say private rented is very difficult to get with benefits. It would be very difficult for the current landlord to evict you just because he's not there any more. You'd have to default on your rent and be given a warning first. But basically, get him out first, then deal with that afterwards. You'd get a lot more in tax credits if he left by the way.

Plus, why the heck should you move your three DCs just because he's an arsehole?

There are people on here who are really good at strategies for getting someone to leave. I can't offer that, but it sounds like that's the way to go.

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP, he sounds like an absolute prize arsehole. I don't have a lot of practical advice to offer, but I will say don't listen to his bullshit about "Oh how you gonna manage that" - it's none of his business how you'll manage. He's trying to put barriers in your way because he doesn't want to lose his unpaid housekeeper!! Forget what the idiot man-child says, arm yourself with real information - speak to benefits, housing, maybe ask CAB as well. If your back pain is stopping you from doing household tasks such as laundry, it's also possible social services could refer you to have carer help for this if there is no other help available (not sure how your son's ASD is, whether it would be practical to sometimes be able to get him to help with heavy tasks, or would he not cope, or how available your daughter is to help out too)

I think once you get him out, no matter how difficult it might seem now, you will feel a massive sense of relief as at least you will KNOW that you are doing things yourself and nobody is going to bitch and moan that you should be doing more and expect you to make their lunch too like they're also your child. (I mean really? Making his lunch for work? That is some brass balls right there.)

"surely he knows it's not right by now considering the amount of arguments & constantly broken promises"

Nope.

What he thinks is right is treating you with contempt and using you like a housekeeper. This is what he thinks is 'right'.

He does this because he is abusive.
He does this because he thinks you are trapped.

You also think you are trapped, but you are not. Please look at the entitledto website to see what you would get in extra tax credits if and when you get this misogynist out of your house. Your dd's Dad will also have to pay maintenance for the upkeep of his daughter.

I started off reading this thinking 'yeah but you're happy to take the roof over your head paid for' but was totally wrong. You're supposed to be cared for, loved, that's what a marriage is about; from what you say you were quite sick and got no care. This is bullshit. You need this areshole out of your life; you only have one and you deserve to spend it with someone who'll treat you the right way...

Hello South

I would like to suggest

Start trying to improve yourself first !

Invest some time trying to improve your pain, seek medical help, if you are able start swimming

Investigate swapping your car for an automatic car

Ask partner and children for help with chores around the house

Investigate possibility of outsourcing some jobs eg ironing

I would not be getting up to make someone breakfast at 5am !

Hope this helps

You mentioned your parents gave you money for him to take two months off to care for you. Could they lend you the money to rent a place while housing benefit gets sorted out.

The life you are living sounds very miserable. He sounds awful, you are teaching your lovely children that this is how a woman should be treated. Leave, find a way, he thinks you daren't because of his job, prove him wrong. You deserve far more from life.

Good luck xxx

south - you don't need to improve yourself. Get rid of the prize chump OH and live life on your terms.

Would your parents go as guarantors for you to rent for yourself? I don't accept those on benefits but I would with good guarantors.

He sounds dreadful. Could you afford the rent pn your own? Don't forget he would jave to pay you something for his child. Check out what benefits you could get if you were not with him - see CAB.

Phone Women's Aid. You are experiencing financial abuse, and that goes hand on hand with emotional abuse. I bet there's a load of stuff going on which you are so used to you don't even think about it any more. WA will support and advise you on how to get him out or how to get yourself out.

Abuse is not just physical. He doesn't have to hit you to make it bad enough to act.

Hello South

I was trying to be positive

Your health should come first, so you should make steps to improve this first

You will feel better & have the energy to try to sort out other things in your life too