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Original poster

Getting over not having 3rd child

18 replies

just1moretime · 11/02/2015 10:25

HI, I know this has been covered loads of times before, but I'm really struggling with it.

I have 2 boys and had a miscarriage last year. My DH wasn't keen on having the 3rd, and I kind of badgered him into it. When I had the miscarriage, he was upset, but I just kept picking at him, saying that I bet he was relieved that the baby had died, which wasn't true, but then when I told him that I wanted to try again, he point blank refused.
I was upset at the time, but thought I just had to get over it. I was cutting it fine age wise anyway. Now, a year later, I have had a coil fitted, but I still feel resentful of him. My friends were chatting about having another baby the other day and their DH's just seemed to say 'fine'. I just feel that he is so negative about the whole thing (he is generally a glass half full person) it's started to affect my feeling for him. Our marriage is fine in every other way. I don't really want to raise the subject again because, how long can I really go on about it for? And also, if I badger him again and he caves in, I feel with my age (42) there is a chance that something could be wrong with the baby, and I have single handedly imposed a massive difficulty on my family. But on the other hand, I feel my boys as adults would benefit so much from having another sibling, and if it was a girl, they would benefit from having a female dynamic in the family. I know that I will be rejected and have the eye rolling if I mention it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 10:25

I mean a glass half empty person!

OP posts:
Goatcoat · 11/02/2015 10:32

Ahh what a tricky situation.

I think your head is saying no but your heart is saying yes. With your husband also saying no I kind of think you need to accept that as the position. That's really heard to digest though.

LeBearPolar · 11/02/2015 10:35

Why do you feel your boys would benefit from having another sibling? What if it's another boy and thus unable to provide a "female dynamic"?

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your DH was badgering you to have another child that you really didn't want, having accused you of being glad that your baby had died? Sorry to be brutal, and I know that you were grieving too, but that was a horrible, horrible thing to have said to him.

In the end, you can't force someone to want what you want just because you want it. And he has every right in the world not to want another child just have you have every right to want one. You might have to find a way to make your peace with it, unless it is something you are willing to split the family up over.

Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 10:37

I know- and I don't even know if I could go through with it, knowing I would have badgered him into it, but my heart keeps telling me how much better off they would be as a 3 than as a 2 in terms of emotional support, which I know none of us can know, but surely, theres less of a chance that you would hate both of your siblings than just hate one, IYSWIM!

OP posts:
chillybits · 11/02/2015 10:39

How old are your children? Friends of mine who struggled accepting there would be no more children, found it got alot easier as the children got older and they were away from the pre-school age.

Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 10:41

Polar, I know it was horrible, and he was very upset. He was quite looking forward to the new baby once he got his head round it. I just don't know why I feel they would be better off as a 3. It's a feeling I have from seeing 3 child families, not as children, but as adults. I know people with one sibling who has got married and the partner has cut them off from the family, and they have no family, or there are more people around to support each other when a parent gets ill or dies. I know it's irrational, and I'm not willing to compromise the family I have for one that I dont have. Its just very hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 10:42

They are 3 and 5.

OP posts:
hotblacktea · 11/02/2015 10:43

sorry about your loss, but what a horrible, horrible thing to say to your husband
have you thought that maybe he's still resenting you for that ? i know i'd never forgive my dp if he ever said it

Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 10:46

I know, and I did apologise I've never brought it up again, so don't know if he still thinks about it. He knew how upset I was and that we were going through a bad time. I know he loves the kids.

OP posts:
JackShit · 11/02/2015 10:51

2 children is just fine. MORE than fine.

I have one. I have an illness that prevents me from having any more. Honestly OP, 2 children is bloody brilliant. Appreciate what you have.

Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 11:17

Yes I know it is, and I should just concentrate on my 2 lovely boys, who I'm sure won't abandon the family when they grow up! Maybe I just needed a rant and rage. It just seemed so unfair yesterday. Ill get over it

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 11/02/2015 11:23

I worry a bit that you say that you want another child because 3 children are less likely to 'hate' each other. Hate is such a strong and ugly word. Why on earth would you worry about them feeling it? Is there maybe something up with your own relationship to your siblings that you're trying to 'fix'?

I think you need to realise that dysfunctional families come in all shapes and sizes, and there is no greater likelihood of it going wrong with two children than with three. My mother is one of three children and they have the worst dynamic you have ever seen.

What really matters is the way that relationships are set up between you.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2015 11:29

Big of counselling might help.

TheFriar · 11/02/2015 11:36

As someone who really wanted 3 but had to stop at 2, this is what my conclusion is:
You just CANNOT force your partner to have another child and I would never want to purposely bring a child into the world knowing his dad would be ressentful of him etc (ie creating hardship for the child before he/she is even born).

But in your case, I think the issue is running deeper than that.
Your reaction to the miscarriage is nearly like you actually made him responsible of it because he didntveantntge baby in the first place.
And seeing your reaction (very very emotional) I'm not surprised your DH doesn't want to try again. He isn't keen and would be frightened of what would happen if you miscarry again/ things don't go as planned.

M not sure from what you are saying WHY you are getting ressentful of your DH. He is saying NO like he had before the miscarriage. He isn't berating you for your reaction to it. So why?

As for it better being 3 rather than 2, I would really recommend you spend some time ensuring your two dcs get along as well as they can, to teach them to respect each other and their difference. Because that is what us making a huge difference as to whether siblings get along as adults or not. Better than having a third and hoping that at least two of them get on well together. What about the one who is left alone?

TheFriar · 11/02/2015 11:53

Another thing:
Do you think you might still be grieving for the loss of the child/pregnancy? Do you think you might have redirected your anger (a very normal feeling after a bereavement) towards your DP?
And that all that us making it all very hard to deal with?

MatildaTheCat · 11/02/2015 12:32

The Friar speaks sense. I wanted three, too but stopped at two because DH just didn't want a third. You do get over it. It sounds cheesy but concentrate on what you have rather than what you do not have.

Regarding sibling relationships I am a bit Hmm about the chances of 'not hating one'. Hopefully non of your dc will hate one another. If they do it makes little difference if you have 2 or 10 dc, it makes family dynamics more complicated the more family members there are IMO.

I was the third child. A daughter after two sons. I was definitely not the pampered Princess but my brothers were utterly vile to me as a child. They left me out, were nasty, spiteful and very unloving. They have since apologised but frankly it helped me to see that three children isn't always a good number.

Kelly1814 · 11/02/2015 12:34

I'm an only child and love it! I'm very glad my mum didn't badger my dad into having another child so I could have emotional support.

Badgering anyone into having a child is abhorrent to me.

Original poster
just1moretime · 11/02/2015 15:12

After reading your answers, I think it might be a bit of everything. I feel like my fertile years have been cut short, whereas all the people around me seem to be able to breezily just talk about having another baby without it causing so much angst. My sister and I don't 'hate' each other, but we are not close. This may be just because we are not an emotionally responsive family. My DH and his sister, on the other hand, wouldn't spit on each other if they were on fire. I see other families with very close siblings. Maybe it's coincidence that they are more than 1 sibling. My boys do get on very well at the moment, and do play with each other even though they are very different personalities. I should just concentrate on nurturing that relationship.
Maybe I have redirected my anger onto my DH, as when I had the miscarriage, I felt a really strong urge to be pregnant again, to put it right, I suppose, and he refused, which maybe I read as him thinking the miscarriage was his get out of jail card.

Thanks for making me see his point of view Flowers

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