Termination regret

[LaChatte]

Two and a half years ago I fell pregnant. It wasn't planned. I would have loved to have kept it, but DH was really against it, and made it very clear that he didn't want another child. He said that ultimately the descision was up to me, but that if I didn't terminate, I would be forcing it on him. I eventually had a medical termination, but was in tears the whole time. Following this, I had a nervous breakdown, but came through the other side with my marriage and job intact, and have been getting on with my life. I don't think a single day goes past without me thinking about what I did, and it makes me so sad.
Just needed to write it out loud, as it were.

(((Hugs))) op, have you tried bereavement counselling? It may help you to reconcile your feelings so that you don't continue to live feeling as you do.

I wasn't offered any kind of psychological support at the time, then, when I had the breakdown, I talked about it, but it was pretty much brushed off as it was me who made the final decision. I'm not sure I really want to go back there! I don't know if there is any kind of bereavement counselling around here (am in France), I wouldn't even know where to begin to be honest.

I'm sorry you're with such an unsupportive husband. You were in a no win situation the way he gave you the ultimatum of ' me or the baby'. Don't see how a marriage can be healthy after something as cruel as that.

He would have supported me if I had kept it, but I would have felt very guilty for forcing it on him.

Does he feel guilty for making u get rid of your baby?

I'm sorry but I think what you experienced was emotional blackmail, not support. Why should you alone feel guilty when it takes two people to create a baby? Why would it be 'forcing it on him'? Did you trick him into getting pregnant? Twist his arm up his back?

I found this after a bit of a Google. It provides information about counselling in English.
www.counsellinginfrance.com

First off please ignore Cogito. If you're a MN regular you'll know her agenda. Have you tried talking to your husband? Men often feel a need to try to fix things but if you explain to him that you just need to be able to express your grief and sadness without blaming him for what happened? I had an abortion for medical reasons some years ago so have some inkling of what you're going through although it was my decision. I am so sorry you're going through this.

I don't talk about it to him, as I don't know what good it would do, it would only make him feel bad too. Thank you for the link, I will go and have a look at that now.

Agenda? Care to explain?

What are you having a go at Cogito for? She always seems kind and full of good advice. I'm glad when she turns up on a thread.

I don't know what is available to you in France, but your gp should be able to help you find a bereavement therapist. The fact that you feel that you don't want to 'go there' suggests to me that counselling would be very helpful. A good counsellor would not suggest or give advise but would give you the space to talk about your feelings in a safe and contained environment. What you talk about is up to you.

I feel for you op, I really do.

You are stuck in a horrid manner, the one person that you should be able to turn to is the person that helped to put you in this situation. He needs to understand that you must be able to talk to him, your future marital happiness depends on it. He has to be emotionally open so that you can share with him just how awful you feel. Your dh needs to listen without reacting and help you to find peace within yourself.

Cogito has an agenda?
Funny I missed that. I've only seen her give extremely lucid advice.

LaChatte how much is it helping you, or harming you, not to discuss this with your husband? He was involved in the pregnancy, he was involved in the decision to terminate. You have unresolved feelings about something that he is completely a part of.

Will you be happy, if he never hears how you truly feel?

He knows how I feel, but there's nothing he can do about it, so I don't bring it up anymore.

I was pretty awful to him (massive euphemism) this time last year, but we got through it and talked a lot, one of the main things that came up was my apparent incapacity to forgive him about the termination.

I love him very much. I just can't seem to get past it, maybe time will help.

Cogito's agenda?
She's one of the cleverest insightful posters on mn.

So sorry to derail. What you have gone through sounds terrible

Time will heal, and if you need to talk more about it with your h, talk more you may find it helps even if it's emotional for both of you.
Unfortunately nothing will turn back time but time really is a healer.

I went through something similar but was totally alone. i didn't get it out of my head for a long while either.
There really needs to be more emotional services for before and after the "choice" i agree with p.p counselling may help you.

You point to your anger & lack of forgiveness as though it's some kind of failing on your part ... something unnatural. You were told it was ' your decision' but it sounds as though you were manipulated and put under pressure, so it wasn't an equal choice. If he'd said that it was your decision and he'd have been happy either way it would be different. But that's not what happened. Too late to change anything now but maybe that's the source of your unhappiness. Being manipulated

He could have said he'd have been happy either way, but I'd have known it wasn't the truth, you can't force someone to want a child!

Even though you made the final decision, you sacrificed a child you wanted to appease your H and not endanger your relationship with him. It is situations like this that expose unresolved underlying issues and if you are not conscious of those underlying issues or have difficulty in addressing them, it makes your head one hell of a confusing place.

I think you H was entitled to say he didn't want that child but there are a lot of follow on questions to that opinion. Does he want more children? If yes, when? If no, what is he doing about preventing it? Do you want more children?

You may never fully get over your loss but the closer you come to forgiving yourself, will hopefully bridge the gap and individual counselling can be a safe place to start.

You can't force someone to want a child but you presumably didn't force him to have unprotected sex either. It was not fair of him to put the responsibility of the decision solely on you, given that he'd made his feelings so crystal clear which was the 'right' decision.

But you know this already and that's why you're finding it difficult

It was a genuinely accidental pregnancy, our contraception failed. We have 2 DCs, and when the youngest was born he was very clear that he didn't want any more. I've always said that if I won the lottery, I'd have loads of children! We are financially ok with two, three would have been a struggle and would have penalised the other two, and it would have been exhausting etc. so we agreed to stop at two. I had come to terms with that and was fine, until I fell pregnant.

OK that's fine but when someone is 100% sure that they don't want and can't afford more children, that's usually when the more permanent types of contraception like vasectomy and sterilisation come into play. Otherwise you're both accepting there's a risk of contraceptive failure.... not just one of you

We had both already asked for permanent sterilisation but were refused, DH is only 29 and won't be eligible until he's 40! I'm 34 and will be eligible as of 35. I had a coil in which we assume came out during a period. It was very very unplanned.