ExH claims I'm endangering the children

[Onepollock]

I posted last year when I was in the process of leaving my husband which I have now done. He used to drink a lot but on reflection that was only a symptom of the more major problem which is control.

We have two children now 3 & 4. I am living in the family home having moved out initially and I am now trying to buy him out. We have only been married 5 years. It is a big crappy mess. I have the children 85% of the time and am very keen we keep the house as we're very much part of a small village community and they have lots of friends here.

I made a full final offer to him recently with a deadline by when he must accept or decline. It is more than I can really afford but equated to about a 60:40 split in my favour but would keep us out of court. He said it wasn't enough as expected but the night before the deadline emailed me copying in both of our solicitors saying my youngest had been burned while cooking with me. This is true, we were making pancakes and she touched the edge of the pan. It was only a very minor burn and a complete accident. He has said this is tantamount to neglect, that I must give him written assurance that I won't put her in harms way etc.

He brought it up in front of the children tonight saying I am danger to them and he has a duty to protect them which is quite rich seeing as he used to be quite frequently pissed while looking after them before I left him.

Although I know it's rubbish it is horrid to hear. What can I do?

Hi onepollock, I remember you and was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were getting on. It's good to hear things are moving and you sound like you're doing really well actually, given how dreadful things were.

I don't have any advice on how to deal with this as such, just wanted to say hello and it's good to hear from you, but I hope you do know this is just more of his control. Of course a tiny burn while making pancakes does not amount to neglect. Actually, him bringing it up the way he did in front of the children and giving them the message that you're a danger to them could possibly be classified as emotional abuse itself and is just another example of how he is the one who actually cares nothing for his children's well being, so maybe make a note of that to your own solicitor.

Sounds like he's just trying his usual tactics. Not surprising given that you're on the verge of making a definitive move wrt buying him out, it's inevitable that he would try to sabotage that somehow.

Really glad to hear you have the DC 85% of the time. Is he supervised when he has them? Is he still drinking?

Anyway, once again, I think you're doing great and you've clearly come a long way since you first posted, well done to you. It can't have been easy.

Sorry not an expert on social services, but if you knew how much damage my dd came to at my hands. At three months she fell head first onto the floor, at six months I closed a heavy car door on her foot, etc. etc.
Fortunately she suffered no consequences from any of this stuff, but it was all completely accidental. It stands to reason that children are going to suffer accidents while they are with us as they are with us so much. though my dd had a particularly clumsy mother

Raising it in front of small children like that and suggesting that you are a danger to them - their primary carer - is emotionally abusive. I'm afraid I would ask your solicitor to write to his stating that minor injuries are an inevitable part of childhood, that you will continue to provide them with the same high standard of care you have always done, and you are in turn gravely concerned that he has made such allegations in front of the children, thereby threatening their sense of security and forcing the conflict between you into their lives, and that you would appreciate his refraining from any such loss of control in the future, in their best interests.

All small kids have minor accidents. It's important they take controlled and incremental risks as they grow up so they learn how to be independent, and cooking pancakes is a perfect example. If the twunt only knew it, he's made you look good and himself look awful.

And I very much second the poster asking if his contact is supervised, if he has an alcohol problem, a control problem, and a lack of concern for the children's emotional wellbeing.

What does your solicitor say?

If he was that bothered he would want full custody.

Take back the power. Call his bluff. Tell him to phone Social Services if he's genuinely worried. I know you could do without the hassle but you've nothing to worry about and they will see that and expose him for the dick he is.

Hi one, I was in a very similar situation (drinking, control, emotional abuse) and this incident sounds like something that I could have written. Completely agree with jengnr, call his bluff. He's trying to manipulate the situation / your life because he thinks that he can. Good luck with the house purchase

My advice would to ignore it. Just laugh at the written assurances bit.

If he does go to Social Services, they'll probably want to talk to you and see the dcs, but honestly, don't panic. It's happened to me several times after ex made malicious reports about me, eg. I'd pushed dd down the stairs. Upon his insistance, dd has had unnecessary medical examinations. SS is very familiar with this kind of thing (and so are courts). Honestly, it gets the accuser nowhere - they'll get his measure very quickly.

it's what you did after the burn that counts - did you run under cold water, make sure she was ok?
if yes then you have nothing to worry about!

accidents happen.

if he does report and SS call just be welcoming and invite them in with open arms you have nothing to hide.

accidents happen. i personally am very careful about hot things... as I am quite freaked out by them and much more cautious than all the other parents at a recent gathering so not a reliable judge of what is normal but probably less careful on other stuff. dd fell off the computer desk when she escaped from the high chair. I should imagine some people would be appalled that I left her to go upstairs.

We all do things slightly differently, whether or not you made a mistake letting them cook would depend on the circumstances, what precautions you took etc, and as you have not posted them, then it is impossible for anyone to pass comment, but accidents do sometimes happen whatever you do.

I imagine he is trying to set up the scenario that he is better than you or equally good to counteract the drinking and being drunk with them in the past.

It is not unusual to do cooking with your children. A scenario where a child could have a small burn is also not unusual even when you tell them three times not to touch the dish and they still carry on and do it. As cestlavielife said what you did after the accident is far bigger indicator of the due care and attention you give your children and any authorities involved with this would know that.

It is all about control for him and absolutely nothing to do with the children's welfare. Detach, detach, detach. He wants to bring you down with him. You don't have to give him written assurance and neither could you, lets face it. Speak to your solicitor and don't respond to him. Have a few stock phrases for him e.g. speak to my solicitor; you must do what you think is best; I'm not discussing this in front of the children. And repeat. Often.

Good luck

Thank you everyone. Yes of course I ran it under cold water straight away and germolene on before bed. The wasn't a mark in the morning.

I am due to speak to the solicitor this pm. I am clear that he can't do impromptu visits while the situation is so heated. The children watched him come right up to my face and say all of this and tried to push the door closed when I opnened it and asked him to leave.

My neighbour reported to me that he'd seen exH driving the children who were standing up in the back of his 4x4 up the lane (so without car seats and they are 3 and 4) I haven't yet said anything but would you? This isn't tit for tat which is what he'll say it is.

Hello, yes you must mention it to your solicitor. You must ensure your children's safety. Car seats & seat belts are essential. It would only have taken a small bump to the car for them to sustain a nasty injury as they would be thrown about. I worked as a theatre nurse in a children's hospital & will never forget the injuries that a toddler received as he had not been strapped into the car. This matter is much more serious than his allegations against you. I am no expert OP but he should not have DC UNSUPERVISED.
GOOD LUCK X