Is it just me?

[Sleepsleepsleep12]

So here we go....

We have been together for 8years and have a 3year old.

I feel my husband drinks and smokes weed too much! He has around 4 cans most week nights and then more at the weekends (ie-starts drinking earlier) we have had a copious amount of arguments about the quantity he drinks and it apparently all boils down to how stressful his job is...then me nagging him...it helps him relax etc etc...

He then also smokes weed (most nights if he could get away with it) it is constantly in my house stinking out my kitchen as apparently his mate at work can't get it around his area so my OH gets it and then deals to his friend at work!

My childhood was surrounded with drink and drugs...he says that's why I'm so uptight about it, and that it isn't his fault etc etc...

Am I being unreasonable that I don't want my daughter to have any sought of drugs or alcohol involved in her upbringing!

He literally makes me feel sick some nights...on the phone to his friends, talking about "having a double" "yea man just skinning up ya know" I mean please he is 35 acting as if he is 15 and one of the cool kids!

I have thought about leaving him but I don't know if it's really what I want! He hasn't been near me in months (sex wise) mainly because when he is stoned downstairs doesn't work...he gets in from work cracks open a beer...give him his due he does do bed time routine and stories then he will go back downstairs drink more beer and smoke his weed, I will go #to bed around 10.30 he will sit watch the football and fall asleep then roll up to bed around 4am!

Am I wrong to want more?

No, you are not wrong.

You say you've been thinking of leaving, but aren't sure. Nothing you've described in your post sounds even remotely OK. So I was wondering what are thing things that either make you want to stay, or feel you ought to.

I'm not sure

My whole world would be turned upside down! And my daughters! She absolutely adores her father! He would be a complete wreck and just smoke/drink more...then I wouldn't want to leave her with him!

I know it is easy for me and others to say get out. But this is a very unhealthy situation for you and your kid. Sometimes, even with kids’ feelings to consider, you need to put your own needs first so that you can actually look after your child. If your partner is dealing, even if he may see it as “softer” drugs, he risks getting raided and arrested. He is putting you in a pretty bad situation. For a start, he should not be smoking weed in the house if you’re against it. But the sentence in your last post that jumped out the most at me is you saying “He would be a complete wreck and just smoke/drink more...” That should not be something you should shoulder. That’s not your burden to carry! Be careful you don’t end up in some co-dependency. His alcohol and weed consumption is not normal but out of control but he needs to actually admit that and seek to do something about it. He is failing you as a partner at so many levels. Do you really think he’s gonna stop any time soon?

I know what your saying! I get it! I would tell anyone else to do the same!

My back ground with alcohol/drugs is my mum is a violent ex-alcoholic and has been "on the wagon" for 3 years now! The next part is unbelievable to some...my dad is the "dealer" he smokes weed from dusk to dawn and always has from me being born!! I know totally crazy! So they may see this as a whole load of over-reaction from me!!

We have joint friends who apparently (when we have been in deep arguments) don't see my problem! Of course he wants to "chill out" "relax" after such a hard day at work!! Although he secretly loves his job and won't admit it!

He has no flaws as a father!

I'm at such a loss...maybe a short sharp shock would do the trick! I'm really unsure!

We have talked about another baby and how financially we could not afford to "feed his habit" and he would stop etc etc but I feel we may just paper over the cracks! All he has to do it pop to my parents after work!

Not wrong at all. You should want more.

Dump. It is not right. You can do better. Your family and friends seem to have very vey low standards. Have your own standards. Higher ones. Surely your DD deserves better.

He has no floors as a father?

He spends family money on weed and booze, and even more at the weekend.

He breathes all this over his daughter but at keystone gets a story at bedtime out of it.

He can't have sex with you because he's too stoned to get it up, there is no relationship here other than your enabling his behaviour.

Your earlier lessons as a child have skewed your thinking and choices and also those of your child's. Someone only values you and much as you value yourself, and I'm afraid to have to add your dd in to that equation as well.

Im using harsh words op because your in a fog of denial, and something has to cut through it for you too see which way is up.
Your partner has a free passport to do what he pleases curtesy of you, he has no need to change because there are no consequences if he doesn't

At least ffs bloody ipad not keystone

I too have the same problem. My H smokes about 6 - 8 joints from morning to night and will drink about 2 - 3 cans at night, only just started working after 12 yrs together and just p/t.
My problem is and probably the same with you, I don't really know him not high, and he is unbearable when he isn't high which is very sad!! I have kind of given up on trying to change him as I know he will not change and as I said on the very odd occasion he doesn't have a joint his mood is terrible and me and my child are on egg shells.
It really is very difficult and one that some people think it only weed, but the effects are terrible.

It's good to know I'm not the only one out there!!

Decisions must be made soon and they are big life changing ones!

The sad thing is, they don't even see the problem!

Heartbreaking!

He has no flaws as a father!

what ?

He's a selfish alcoholic whiner with a teenage dope habit

Soem father

It is a big decision, I have been thinking about it fir a few years, the drugs is one thing but it is the moods and paranoid episodes that really get me down. He can bring me gown without even speaking, just the sulks and banging stuff about. Keep us posted on what you do x

The sad thing is, they don't even see the problem!

The sad thing is they're not the only one. You have accepted such poor treatment for so long for yourself and your child. I can see the role that your upbringing has played, but your expectations are shockingly low. I'm angry that our society has allowed you to reach this point in your life with such low standards. It must take real strength and even imagination to recognise that something's very, very wrong here.

My childhood was not surrounded by drink and drugs, and I would definitely find this intolerable.

So trying to pin it on you for this reason is bizarre. You find it awful, because it is awful.

We all have stressful jobs and need to unwind. We don't all rely on drinks and drugs every night to do it. And I say this as someone who enjoys a drink, and isn't some teetotal.

It's not wrong to want to be in a relationship with someone who shares your values and dreams. It's basic compatibility. If he's doing his own thing with no regard for you or the family, he's just dead wood. Can you see yourself 15 years from now, children left home, still doing this?

Sounds unbearable and he is not a good dad, he is taking an illegal substance in the family home, wasting money on that and drink and there's no intimacy, why are you staying, what for, doesn't make sense. He can still be a so called good dad without being in a relationship with you.

I think you need to tell the police he is dealing. And your GP, HV and anyone else who is listening.

Then you need to leave him or kick him out immediately. Then when he wants access to the children you have proof he is not safe to be around them. You must know that this relationship is wrong on every level. I am sorry you cannot see what is plain to all of us here.

My children's Dad smoked joints like ordinary cigarettes. Apart from going to work, the rest of his life consisted of lying in bed or going out to smoke with his pond life mates as I wouldn't allow them in our house. I endured this for 18 years.

Weed isNOT a 'soft' drug. It causes paranoia, psychosis and depression, trust me, I experienced all these with ex partner.

The year before I kicked him out, he got into some very nasty drugs and stooped to depths I really didn't think even HE was capable of! This OP was a man in his late forties...beware the gateway weed.

You must protect your child at all costs...

He is a dreadful father. Drug addicts very often have learned by watching their parents. Or tolerated drug addiction in their partners because their mum did.

From your own perspective I can't imagine what this relationship offers you. I think you can see for yourself that you're getting nothing out of it, and he doesn't want to change. So he won't.