ex wants to see DD (13) after 3 years (possible trigger)

[whattodowithX]

Name changed for this so my post isn't linked to my usual name.

Sorry there is a bit of background to this.

So I married my ex at 18 and had my DD with him at 19. He was abusive emotionally and physically. But I had been with him since I was 14 and had a rubbish past so I thought it was normal and once I realised it wasn't I didn't think I was worth anything better.
Eventually with the help of some good friends and DH (friend at the time) I left him with my DD who was two at the time. I ended up marrying and having more DCs.

Ex saw DD once a month for the first year.He then started appearing once a year in the summer holidays and staying to see her for a few hours. Promising to see her again soon with gifts then leaving again for another year. He also stopped paying maintenance (not that he ever payed as much as he should have done anyway). Then about 3 years ago he just stopped coming.

So DD was raised by DH and she called him dad. My DH sadly passed away towards the end of last year.

A friend emailed me yesterday to say that she had received a Facebook message in her others box from someone she didn't know who said he was my ex and that he couldn't get in touch with me (my Facebook settings are really strict as are DDs) he said that he had heard about DH and had emailed me on the email address that we set up just for contact with him. He hasn't used it for 6 years because he didn't want too.

So I checked this email and there is a message from him asking to see DD to support her at this hard time. It also says that he is in another relationship and has two young DCs and that he is a SAHD.

I mean who the fuck does he think he is wanting to talk to her after all this time. I haven't told DD yet because I am not sure how to tell her. She knows he wasn't very nice and sometimes he would get angry and hit me but she doesn't know the full details of everything.

I am also freaking out because I don't want to see him. I haven't seen him on my own since I left him as DH was always there when he was because we didn't trust him not to get abusive (when dropping DD off he would sometimes be angry and upset)

I hate him so much and I have no idea what to do. So please come and advise me.

I think you should tell your daughter and let her choose-despite every fibre of your being not wanting to do this. Could she have supervised access by a family member if she does want to meet him? She may not but I do think you have to tell her.

I will tell her I just hate him for making me do it.

My ds (13) saw his dad on Sunday for the first time in three years. He has very intermittent contact but I told him the truth about our relationship, my son is intelligent enough to work out that he hasn't done his bit and I let him make decisions and guide him gently when he asks.
Whatever I feel about my ex and the horrible things he did I have to let my son make his own decisions regarding access. He isn't little anymore. And I don't think he would thank me for it.
What I am trying to say is I think you need to let Her decide. I know it's not what you want to hear but I do.

Sorry forgot to add I didn't push contact though just left it with him. They spoke for months before Sunday.

Thanks for the advice
I just really worry about the effect this will have on her.
I will tell her later on tonight though and support her in whatever decision she makes.

Perhaps he wants to backdate the maintenance he owes you? If he wants to 'support' her that would be a start.

Sorry for your loss.

I would be very reluctant to let an emotionally abusive person have lone contact with my child. Children are at the end of the day still children without the experience life has to offer them under their belt often easily manipulated. If your child is old enough to decide for themselves if they want contact, they should be old enough to have the full background story so they can take that calculated risk and learn from their decision whichever way it turns out.

I don't think a child who has just lost her father should be put in any more emotional jeopardy, tbh. I say that as someone with a useless father whose well intentioned mother allowed contact whenever he wanted. He caused me a lot of damage. Please protect her - he has no way of getting in touch directly without going to a lot of trouble, which sounds most unlikely from what you've said.

I appreciate you've told her now, but if she is doubtful, go with that. She won't be resilient enough to cope with someone this abusive. In fact, who is? Least of all when newly bereaved.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I would be very wary that he's after cash. He wouldn't be the first bastard to crawl out of the woodwork after a death.

Talk to your DD and see what she wants to do. If she does want to see him, make sure it's supervised and not by you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think you should tell her while the loss of her Dad is so recent. It's too much for her to deal with right now, the reappearance of an estranged father, whatever he is like, will be another emotional storm for her, not a support.

But that you shouldn't close the door on future contact.

Tell him my 2nd sentence and then add that if he is serious about resuming proper contact with her, unrelated to her Dad's death, he can contact you again in another 6 months and you'll tell her and let her choose then.

He hit you?

No, I wouldn't tell her. I also agree with Matilda. People who give a shit provide for their children, regardless of whether they're in their lives or not.

This will probably be my task in 5 years, DD will be told in two weeks that her father no longer wants to have contact. Due to DD witnessing violence against me at the hands of her father, DD has had access to a child psychologist. This same psychologist is part of a practice that has been extremely helpful in supporting DD, supporting me to support DD and providing guidance to DD's Father.

Ex has seen DD once a month for the past year at a contact centre, I think one of the reasons why he has decided to terminate contact is that he has belatedly realised that I would never agree to his desire to see DD whenever it was convenient for him. He thinks that at 12 he can have access to DD without my input.

What does she know about her father, does she know about the violence? Has she enquired about him and what has been your/the explanation behind his disappearance?

The decision to see, or not see her father is your DD's but I totally get your apprehension and the frustration at the shitness of his timing. The cynic in me thinks he wants to exploit her grief, thinking she will be less resistant to his reappearance after having just lost one father.

However, if this fuckwit thinks he can stroll back into her life like nothings happened, he can think again. I would seriously look into getting in touch with a child psychologist to discuss this further and to access support in supporting DD if she decides to contact her father. Like with my situation, they could also provide guidance to her father so he is aware that he has work to do.

You can and will get through this and your strength and courage will get her through this too.

I'm sorry for your loss.