Advice on leaving husband

[Articroll]

I've joined up this morning just to ask this question (whenever I google things I always find lots of helpful mumsnet threads with answers) so I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong place or I make any newbie mistakes, I'd just really love some advice please as I'm feeling a bit alone on this one.

I've been with my husband for 15 years and we have 4 lovely dc. Problem is we don't love each other anymore and I'm not sure if I ever did or if I just went with it as he seemed to (at the time) want the same things.

He's become quite controlling. I've lost all my friends I'm not sure how it happened but I've withdrawn myself from everything just to try and limit the things he has a go at me about. I am a sahm and I have no access to any cash I have to ask him for money if the dc or I need anything. The dc are well cared for he never says no for them but I'm left with clothes that are falling apart and don't fit properly anymore (a shadow of the old me).

I have tried to "fix" the parts of our relationship I'm unhappy with. I've spoken to him and told him how I feel and even written him a letter as I felt he wasn't listening and if he was he certainly wasn't taking me seriously. I've tried to arrange child care so we can spend more time together to see if we could start liking each other again but all he does is moan and criticise me nothing I do is good enough. I've been trying for the dc for a good 6 months. I've asked him what he's unhappy with and I get nasty comments about me as in who I am my personality and whilst I fully accept I have a boat load of faults I'm not sure if I'm being out of order here but my dh should love me for who I am and not want to completely change me.

My family are catholic so I have no support for a separation and I've been told this is all completely normal and to suck it up and get on with it.

I know none of you know me or my dh but is it normal to question why you are with someone after being together a long time? Is it normal to not want to spend time with my dh anymore?

I have thought this through very hard. I know if I go that I am committing to a life on my own but I'm feeling really miserable and have done for a good 2/3 years. I'm worried about the effect splitting will have on my children too so I don't know if I should just stay as obviously they're the most important people in all of this.

I'm really sorry for all my waffle but if anyone has any advice either way I'd be really grateful. Tia

When you're being badly treated and your feelings ignored, it's completely normal to ask yourself if it's worth staying married. Catholics are as subject to the same laws as anyone else and have the same rights as anyone else. So don't let that stand in your way. Suggest you get some legal and practical advice

You mention your children and yes, they are very important. However, you are just as important. It is not good for them to grow up in an environment where you are being treated with open contempt and hostility, made to ask for money and so forth. Divorce can be upsetting but so can seeing the mother you love being treated like dirt

Thank you for replying. I now have 2 1/2 year old twin daughters (my older two are boys- not twins) and obviously I adore my boys and I'd be horrified if I found out they were treating their partner badly when they're older, but having my girls has made me really think that I wouldn't want this kind of relationship for them and I should set an example be strong and get us all away from it. And then I have days where I doubt myself and think maybe everyone else is right it's normal to feel like this and I should just get on with it. I just want the best for them.

There are a lot of threads on this board that could be summed up as 'is this normal?'. Yours is one of them. Just from the pencil sketch you've drawn, what you're experiencing is neither normal nor acceptable. You're isolated, withdrawn, denied access to the family money and told you've got a rotten personality. That you're even asking if it's normal to be treated that way is very concerning because it probably means you've been conditioned to accept it.

Please get some legal advice

Thank you :) so sorry if I'm repeating other threads I'm not sure why I didn't think to have a quick look through first.

I will go and see citizen advice next week I think you have to have an appointment which is better for me really as means I can make sure it's at a time when I won't have the children with me.

I think with regards my personality He's probably right in some ways. I am very boring now so probably not a joy to be around anymore. I don't think having to cut myself from everything has helped this though. It happened so gradually I hardly noticed until I bumped into someone from school a few months ago and she was asking me if I still did x y & z then with a look of horror said wow you've really changed I never thought you'd end up so boring. Ok so we never got along and it was a bit harsh but she's right. I don't talk to anyone, I quit all my hobbies, I don't even exercise anymore I used to swim twice a week and go to the gym twice a week but now I just do my Davina DVD at home. I've made out I'm some kind of earth mother and I give my all to my children (which obviously I do try to do) but really I slowly stopped everything because I got fed up of my dh constantly moaning about everything I did and checking my phone and emails anytime he thought I'd spoken to another man (I have never even chatted to or text etc another man since we got together)

Sorry my posts are so long and full of waffle but it helps just to tell someone as I've got no one left. Thank you for being so patient and supportive.

Re your comment:-
"My family are catholic so I have no support for a separation and I've been told this is all completely normal and to suck it up and get on with it".

Well whoever told you that did you a huge disservice and that person is no friend of yours.

This is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you. Abuse is insidious in its onset and creeps up on women and men unawares just as it has done with you. It is NOT your fault he is abusive, he would have acted the same to any woman particularly after the children had been born.

You are being abused, controlling behaviour like he is showing you (and by turn your children who are also witness to all this) is abusive behaviour. There is emotional and financial abuse present within this; he is also harming your children here as well by him abusing you.

What do you think your children have and are learning about relationships here?. Damaging lessons have been taught to them; it will do them no favours at all to see their dad continually wage his own private war against you as their mother. Staying within this for them is no good for either them or you and they will not thank you for staying with him; the time to get him out of your lives day to day is now.

You've tried to fix basically the unfixable (and at great cost to yourself); there is nothing left to rescue and or save here. It has unsurprisingly not worked because he feels he is doing nothing wrong here and has the situation exactly where he wants it. He likes keeping you in a cage of his own paranoid making and enjoys seeing your discomforture.

Such controlling men also rarely let go of their victims easily, he will likely drag you and the children through the mire in all legal aspects in order for you to fully separate from him as your "punishment" for leaving him. He will likely be obstructive and demanding regarding all aspects of separation but no man is above the law.

CAB are all very well and good but you also need to see a Solicitor asap (they may well be able to suggest someone). I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid too as they can and will help you. Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft may also be beneficial, your H is in those pages.

His actions towards you have been both calculated and deliberate; he has deliberately isolated you emotionally, financially and physically so no wonder you feel like a shadow of your former self. He made you that way but you can and actually now must escape him.

I have been where you are, give or take a few minor details. I wish I could have sent a message to myself, of course I couldn't, but here's my chance to tell you what I would have said.
Wake Up (shouts), make a plan for yourself only, do not consult your H, and tell your family to support you. If, by some miracle, you can bring your marriage round you will be in a much better position regardless. If things are ever fixed between you and H then, and only then, do you listen to what he says to you about yourself.
But sadly, I think your H has checked out and done whatever else he has done.
Now it's Articroll's time and you will need all your wits about you.
Show no fear!

Another one recommending your contact Womens Aid.
This is emotional and financial abuse and your DH is a bully.
You've already realised you don't want your DD to emulate this kind of relationship and the only way to do that is to get out.
Do it safely though. Womens Aid will help you.
And it's a great idea to go to CAB to see were you stand.
You will be so much better off financially if away from him.
Hard to believe but it's true!

I didn't mean that you were repeating other threads - sorry if I gave that impression :) I just meant that the 'is this normal?' question is a common denominator when it comes relationships featuring financial, emotional and other forms of abuse. People who have been in those kinds of damaging relationships for any length of time lose sight of what is 'normal'

You're almost certainly not boring. You don't do all those things you used to do because your world has been controlled and restricted by your husband's behaviour. You have dropped friends and interests for fear of him having a go at you.

It's really not normal

I could have written your post a few years ago.
Some differences, mainly of degree of abuse and a few individual quirks of exH, one more child than you. But I was isolated, worn down beyond anything I even perceived at the time, and my children had gradually become affected too.

I am also RC, but I have to say my family were absolute bricks when I told them what I had decided and why, and so were my parish school parent friends and the RC church in general all through the process and when annulment time came. I told my family what I really needed from them and that I expected them to respect my wishes. Tbf, what I was really fearful of was that they would send a hit man around to whack exH rather than shunning me..

You don't have to put up with this crap. You have already seen it for what it is well done and hopefully you can now summon up the courage to move onwards and upwards. You do not deserve to be treated as he treats you.

I really recommend Women's Aid. I highly recommend the Freedom programme. You may not think WA or this sort of stuff are for you if your H has not hit you, raped you, etc. However you know yourself that you are a shadow of your former self, and this is because of abuse. Helping women who are suffering from abuse of any kind is what WA are all about.
Women's Aid general number is 0808 2000 247. You can look at the site for your local office. Make contact and leave a message. Lines are often busy but they get back to all who call and leave a message.

Read Pat Craven's 'Living With the Dominator' if you feel an examination of the big picture would help. I recommend it as you say you feel quite isolated in the little world your H has created. It might help for you to see your situation 'from the outside' as it were. It might also help you to anticipate some of his reactions to you as you start to explore your options and as you begin to make plans.

It might be especially helpful for you to see that your H is following a predictable pattern and that therefore there is nothing you are doing to contribute to the way things have developed, and nothing you can reasonably do to change things for the better aside from being a completely different person -- you have already noted that he does not love you for who you are, that you always feel you are not measuring up, that you have fallen short of some arrogant man's standards. It is really freeing to see that the problem is not you, it's him.

Play your cards close to your chest here. People like your H often sense a shift in the wind and adapt to what they see as a new game. Keep your own counsel. He is not your friend (friends treat each other better than he treats you) and collaboration in the business of ending your marriage should not be expected.

And since he checks your phone, etc, please be careful online.

Log off Mumsnet every single time, erase history, cookies..

I want to mention - over the years I begged exH to go to marriage counselling; this was greeted with sneering. I also wrote letters, which exH called 'your silly letters'. Things came to a head and he himself suggested counselling, which I felt I couldn't turn down because I feared he would paint me as unreasonable or capricious if I refused to go. It was of course a waste of time because all he wanted was for a counsellor to agree with him that we had both contributed to the mess and we both needed to change to fix it (i.e. to his way of thinking that meant I needed to see things his way). Your H is a jealous and controlling man and normal marriage counselling will not help your relationship. No responsible counsellor would agree to see you together anyway since this is an abusive relationship. Overall, my advice would be to go to individual counselling (not marriage counselling) yourself and forget about couples counselling of any kind. Accessing help is so hard when you have childcare to find, and you can't exactly say to your H that you need him to take care of the children while you talk to someone who will help you find the strength to leave him, so WA is really the way to go.

Agree with all the excellent advice given to you op. Just wanted to reiterate one point. You wrote that as regards your personality he's probably right in some ways. You say that you probably are now boring, and recognise that this is partly due to you cutting anything out of your life that was just for you.

Please remember he is wrong. If you have been emotionally bullied into withdrawing from anything outside the home, you are not boring. You are the same person you were before and will be again, you are just too afraid, understandably, to risk incurring his insults and criticism.

He is the boring one in this scenario. Men like him are following a script, that's why you recognised elements of your thread in many others on MN. You sound like you've done the emotional groundwork as to why you should leave, you now need the practical advice as to how.

Just to confirm that it is a script. You say you now dress in ill-fitting shabby clothes. I used to help my ex buy beautiful ties and suits whilst wearing dull, non-descript clothes from the second-hand shop - money wasn't the issue. Was a long time ago but can still hardly believe I'm typing that about myself.

Good luck.

And it doesn't matter that you have your faults. Who can say hand on heart that they do not have faults? That is life.

Thank you all for your support. I will look at women's aid. I hadn't thought to look there as he has only hit me once so kind of didn't feel right as I know the domestic violence some women are exposed to is horrific and I wouldn't want to take up their time when they could be helping someone more needy. But I will definitely contact them I just want a better life for my children and if I'm miserable then they're not going to be happy.

'only hit me once'.

They want to help you, and they are there for you , and for your children.

And he's hit you!
Wow, a cowardly bully to boot. Although I'm not surprised.
Domestic abuse comes in all shapes and sizes and yours is very large and you are very deserving of help from Womens Aid.
I hope you find a way out and can live a happy life away from abuse and bullies.
You'll get there.

There is no 'only' OP. He hit you.

Look up financial abuse. You are in an abusive controlling relationship. You can find a better life for you and your children.