DP being friendly with Ex FWB who broke his heart

[Fluffybrain]

Been with boyfriend for 4 months. Had an argument about this with him yesterday. He is inconsistant in the way he talks about her and the contact he has. We've both been hurt in the past and are finding our way in terms of learning to trust again. She owes him lots of money he lent her when they were "together" and he refers to her as an ignorant bitch. I told him I don't like women being called bitches whatever the situation. He hasn't seen her for months but yesterday she wrote an 'in' joke on his wall on facebook (incidentally just after I had added him on my relationship status). So I asked him why she did that. He eventually tells me they talked on the phone on Sunday and his son was there and they all had a laugh at the 'in joke' and so she probably wrote it as a follow up to that. This has made me cross and am now feeling insecure. I got angry and upset with him. He said she means nothing to him and he just wants his money back from her. But also said he'd be meeting her in a few weeks as she has some gifts for his son and that she 'helped him through his divorce' (she was the OW in his divorce so its not like she deserves a medal for that!). Inconsistant! I have trust issues which are not his fault. I was cheated on by my EA ex with someone he was friends with and when I said I thought she fancied him I was told, don't be jealous, there's nothing going on blah blah blah. And then he shagged her. So it is difficult for me to deal with this especially as my current boyfriend was shagging his FWB for 2 years and fell in love with her. It ended when he told her his feelings and she told him to fuck of, kept his money and got a new boyfriend (who she is still with). Should I be saying, no I don't want you to see this woman and if you do we are finished? Or am I being over sensitive because I have been cheated on previously?

It all sounds awfully complicated and 'gamey'

Sorry, but I got stuck at changing relationship status on fb at 4 months.

It's all too much too soon for my liking. I think I'd rather just be on my own.

You can't tell him who to see. But I think it is naive to describe this woman as an ex-FWB, she was the OW in his marriage. Clearly there's history there and his anger towards her now suggests he still has feelings for her.

His words and actions with regard to her are inconsistent. He hates her. He's indifferent to her. He shares jokes with her and his son (WTF). He's meeting up with her as she has gifts for his son (again, WTF).

And you really believe his 'we've both been hurt in the past and need to learn to trust again' bullshit? He cheated on his wife with this woman and then she dumped him, having fleeced him for a bunch of cash. Poor him.

Given your own recent past, this guy does not sound like the person to help you recover. In fact he sounds bloody similar to your ex.

Putting aside all the reasons why you might be jumping the gun, I'd STILL walk away from this one.

He had an affair that ended his marriage = deceitful cheating twat. No matter which way you look at it. Giant red flag. Unhappy marriage? Split up decently: don't have an affair.

Rewriting history - ex-OW is now just a friend who 'helped me through my divorce'? No, she didn't, she was your OW. I'd hold my hands up right there and say right, if that's the way you want it, go off and play your FB games and leave me out of it. This guy is likely to cheat on you: look at him already - spinning you a line.

Only 4 months - walk off and find someone whose life isn't a big series of justified shitty behaviours.

5 months in? Ditch him. Drama over.

You don't stand a chance of getting him to stop seeing her.

He's not worth it. All the angst at 4 months in? Why bother?

He sounds way more trouble than her is worth. So many things wrong with him that it's not even worth pointing out. You are only a few months in to be arguing and having such big issues. Drop him Asap and find someone who treats you better.

Too much drama. It should be all exciting and about you. I went out with someone like this and funnily enough his 'ex' was also a bitch who owed him money. He was shagging her all along.
You can do better. I know its only 4 months in but I do appreciate that you can develop quite intense feelings in the early stages of a relationship. However this man is showing you who he is. Move on.

So the OW helped him through his divorce oh like a fireman fighting a fire throwing petrol on the blaze I see.

Sorry OP cosy phone calls and gifts for his son mean he is far from keeping her at a safe distance.

Oh dear. A unanimous verdict. Ha Donkeys you made me laugh!

So he left his wife for this woman, he have her lots of cash, then she dumped him.

Now she sees he has someone else and all she is doing is messing with his head - at your expense.

I would not tolerate this. I would insist that if he wanted to be with you that the woman is blocked from FB and phone/email and never talked of again.

His actions from that point on will tell you everything you need to know.

You sound a bit controlling and clingy for four months in! You can't stop him speaking to friends esp. If she is a family friend who his son knows.

I understand that at 4 months it might seem that way. But having previously been in a relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive and controlling and having realised this because of the good women of mumsnet and their suggestions of books to read and the freedom programme I want to be aware of who I am getting involved with and see red flags earlier rather than later. I am not thinking of controlling him. I'm thinking of setting boundaries for myself so that I will not find myself in that position again. She is not a family friend. She was a colleague of his who he was friends with and cheated on his wife with after his wife went away for many months.

It all sounds like way too much hassle and I like there are a lot of games being played. I'd proceed with caution as game-playing usually ends up with heads being fucked.

While I don't tend to think of relationships in stages as such, it is still early days for you guys so shouldn't it be all fun and lovely?

If I were in your shoes, I'd be having a think as to how much more I would be investing in this relationship, bearing in mind that it sounds as though one of you has interests elsewhere.

Wow wonder what he may call you if your relationship ends.

She was not a FWB.

He gave her loads of £, his marriage ended over her, she broke his heart and she, he and his DC are still having in jokes and meeting up.

At 4 months in walk away fast.

I don't think you are clingy, I think you are very astute and are realising he's not the catch you thought he was, he has form for cheating and is still in touch with the OW, I too would say he's hardly keeping her at a safe distance. If he can't do this for you at this stage, he aint gonna do much else.