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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting after 15 years

12 replies

Crazyzowhat · 10/02/2015 07:33

Bit of background been with partner for 15 years since I was 16 and we have 2 DC'S 5 &6 . He works FT I work PT 18 hrs but currently been on long term sick since Nov with anxiety / depression and am going for counselling and adjusting onto some new meds.

We haven't got on for a while no affection from his part since around end of Nov , I have had 2 hugs off him both initiated by me .

I feel so let down by him since I have been off sick , I do 90% of the housework and all the driving ferrying about of DC'S etc as he does not drive ( which is my fault apparently ). He said a couple of wks ago that since I'm off sick I should do it all but I do it all when I'm working too !!.

He has not been there for me emotionally at all , he will sit and watch me cry and never get up and give me a hug Sad I could not do that to him however much I dislike him at the moment.

last night he told me I was a horrible person that my dad and and My SIL agree with him ( I know they don't by the way ) then took the bed duvet off me to take downstairs and then threw his hot cup of tea over my side of the bed some of which went on my leg and he said he did it because he wanted me to have to sleep on a wet patch WTF.

I know it's over and there is no way back however hard it may be on top of my current issues.

Now I know I'm not innocent in all of this I appreciate it must be hard to live with someone who has mental health issues but I feel this is the end and I have told him so .But he won't go !!! We live in a council house both names on tenancy , the car is mine .

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/02/2015 07:37

Leave the bastard.
Report him for the domestic violence. Then get an order to make him go.

TangledUpInGin · 10/02/2015 07:43

Oh I'm sorry. I'm going through the same at the moment. It's absolutely horrific. You know it's the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. Am getting kids ready for school but will come back to you. Big hug and keep thinking about how good your life will be. X

Lweji · 10/02/2015 07:43

As you are a council tenant, you can contact their housing services to find out what your options are. I suspect they will have policies on such cases. WA may advise you on this, or CAB.

What he did was domestic violence. Regardless of what you do, you don't want anyone to sleep on wet patches or throw hard things at them. He's an abusive twat.

As this has been worse recently, I would wonder if he has someone else and is basically finding an excuse to leave you. Or making you leave him.

But I would contact WA, report him to the police for his behaviour and use that as the reason to keep him away from the house. Or tell him that he goes or you will report it to the police.
(they probably won't do much, but it's evidence of domestic abuse if you need to evict him or legal aid)

marriednotdead · 10/02/2015 08:11

Sorry you're having such a crap time, despite what he says, you really don't deserve it Flowers

You both have equal rights to the property and relationship breakdown is no longer grounds for rehousing you separately- I discovered this when I looked into splitting with DH.
HOWEVER, domestic violence, as well as being a criminal offence, puts him in breach of the tenancy and on those grounds, he can be removed.
You will need to involve the police, and I'd suggest calling them to log what's already happened and to get further advice.

shovetheholly · 10/02/2015 08:16

OP, I could have written your post six or seven years ago. I am now happily married to a lovely man, and much better off in every conceivable way than I was before.

I want to tell you that it does get better. I know it is tough and terrifying right now, and you're losing the only relationship you've really ever known. But there is a whole world out there and once you get shot of this abusive guy, you will be free to experience it. You just need to get through one last push, which is getting him to move out!

To do this, you need to work the institutions around you. Get in touch with DV support, get in touch with the police, get in touch with the council. Tell them all what happened, say that you are scared, and persist, persist, persist until you get what you want. Don't waver for a second - you stick to your guns, and you'll come out the other side with a new life to look forward to.

Auburnsparkle · 10/02/2015 09:32

I agree with others - speak to Women's Aid.

And I also suspect he has someone else. But regardless of that, there is lots of help and support out there to help you get him out of your life. I hope you feel strong enough to take it. He sounds hell. I am sure once he is out of your lives your anxiety and depression will be greatly improved.

Original poster
Crazyzowhat · 10/02/2015 10:28

Thanks all for your replies.

I am not scared of him in anyway and he has never hit me does not excuse what he did .

I do not want to involve the police as due to my mental health issues I feel child services would then be involved which would kill me Sad .

I called his bluff this morning and told him I was going to ask my SIL and dad what they had told him. He then admitted he had lied but then kinda tried to half apologise and has rang me at least 4 times this morning none of which I answered until the last one I told him I didn't want to talk to him he told me he felt awful and I just said look I'm done , I am broken , we are over .

I don't think there is another woman involved he doesn't have the time nor the money and when he is not in work he is at home. I am in control of the finances as he is so shit with them.

I am going to tell him later that he must leave by tomorrow as he does not wrk then ( does shift work ) . I am happy to give him plenty of access to the DC'S as he is a fantastic dad .

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 10/02/2015 11:22

Depression will not make child services get involved will it?

And just because somebody hasn't hit you doesn't mean they aren't abusive. To protect your children you do need to report him to somebody. Future access to them may be limited if he is this unstable and damaging.

Lweji · 10/02/2015 12:01

Domestic violence is not restricted to hitting.
I understand why you may not want to involve police, but you may need to if he doesn't move soon enough.

Original poster
Crazyzowhat · 10/02/2015 12:19

Oh yes I know domestic abuse is not restricted to hitting.

He is not a danger to our children at all he adores them he is such a big softie with them they get away with everything with him .

I don't think I am going to have trouble with him leaving as he knows I will just call his parents and mine .

Without sounding like I am making excuses for him he is not an agressive person really and normally does not do confrontation he is a selfish person who has not yet grown up .

I will not be giving him another chance life is far too short to be miserable and I deserve better it will just be a difficult journey at first

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/02/2015 16:09

I'm glad you're not giving him any second chances. Don't be surprised if your MH issues magically clear up once he's out of the picture

Jan45 · 10/02/2015 16:42

What a bully, out of order, anyway, glad you have wised up and are getting rid.

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