how to manage non contact regarding children and problems ?

[notmrscookie]

Stbxh left in September and pulled his new girlfriend in October in front of me.For what ever reason stbxh meet her kids within weeks and has been staying over up to 5 times a week. He hasn't had either of our kids at his mother overnight as promised as it would ruin his social life . He works two weekends out of four and her kids go to there dads every other weekend . he admits he doesn't need to buy or rent as his partner has as home. However our 14 year old son has taken it all badly and I have found evidence of weed , smoking and drinking .I have up to now included ex But ex has buried head in sand ..I have had contact with police, SS and school. Been round local shops with his picture. Driven round streets at midnight etc. All this time ex has done nothing but get his feet further under his partner table.I have finally gone non contact with ex and told him its down to his lack of support .He is acting hurt and shocked. He has never texted or asked how the boys are. pls help me be strong and offer advise.thanks.

why are you driving around the streets at midnight? it doesnt make sense?

Sadly, you can't force someone to be a decent person or a loving father. If he's choosing to ignore his children in favour of a new partner, there's not a lot you can do about it. Driving round the streets at midnight is not stable behaviour so don't do that again. Your children are the ones that need your attention and you're the only one they can count on. So get them the help they need and leave him to his own devices.

Should add.... While you may need to go no contact, you can't deny him access to the children if/when they want to resume a regular contact schedule.

Do you mean that your son disappeared and that you had to go driving round to look for him? It's not very clear in your OP.

At this point I would be ignoring the ex and concentrate on the kids. Have school and SS offered help?

Yes driving round his local hang out trying to get him home safe. Ex will see kids once every other week for a 90 min catch up.I know I can't keep them apart but he doesn't want anything to do with them outside of this. Have jumped queue school counsellor with SS support. Have given pictures of son to local shops to stop him buying fags.police have given me local support group number but most start at 18.even today found he had lied about being in medical room and didn't attend college he just came home .

Good to hear the school and SS are on board. I am guessing your son has started acting like this since the split with his dad? I am sure he is feeling very insecure as he can no doubt tell that his dad is not that bothered. situation for him to be in. Is it possible he's acting out deliberately to test you? Not to punish you for splitting, but to need that reassurance that you care about him and you're not going to give up on him like his dad has (probably in his view)

I hope that makes sense. It's such a hard age for a child to discover that their parent is lacking. Might be worth asking the school if there's any other services he could be referred to? EG lots of areas have CAMHS (children adolescents mental health services) which may be able to offer extra help. Unfortunately I know services have been cut in a lot of areas, but CAMHS was invaluable to my son when he was 14-16.

Thanks alot we will try camhs xx