Help on supporting a male abuse survivor I've been dating

[hotwaterbottleonitsway]

NC'd here.

I have been dating someone since November, so not long. We are exclusive but he also works away a lot.

He's a really cool guy and I like him a lot but there have been some ED performance issues in the bedroom.

We're both fit and attracted to each other (for sure he's "into me" and very physically affectionate) but after we've had a few "awkward" nights he's opened up about some of his struggles as a child in a fairly isolated village.

Eg his mother seems to have been abusive and just not talked to him for periods of several months. He was manipulated into losing his virginity to an older girl in a gang he was in when still a child (so rape, basically).

I am very sad he felt the need to conceal this from me, male pressure to be virile and shame at his past. I have tried to initially react in as supportive a manner as is possible whilst staying "normal".

Myself? I don't know what my best way forward is, as we're not a long-term couple yet.

I've been following his lead up till now (as in, he's a pretty high-functioning, sociable, supportive, professional guy who seems to operate in an "I aim to please my woman when I'm not working" and I don't want to make him self-conscious).

He is due back from work in a week or so: I would like to take the lead in suggesting he gets some help/assistance with his past.

Also, I want to put boundaries for myself in, so I'm not getting overwhelmed (sorry that makes me sound harsh, but I do have my own issues and have "form" for co-dependent relationships).

I don't want to fix him up so I can turn him into Mr Perfect for me - I'm not actually sure we're going to go the distance - but I do not want to "date and run" and leave him alone in this.

Also, I don't want to treat him like an "untouchable" but if we're still intimately involved will this complicate things?

Please help.

I had a couple of previous partners with sexual abuse in their past- one was abused as a child, the other was abused as an adult.

Speaking to these people helped:
www.survivorsuk.org/

I think what is the right thing to do is very much based on individual circumstances, so it would be best if you sought the advice of the experts.

With the partner who was abused as a child, the abuse was by two extended family members. I encouraged him to speak to his mother about it ( I knew a little bit about her history and behaviour, saw parallels with his and suspected a family pattern). He did confide in her, it turned out she had been abused by one of the same people (he was abused by this person that person's offspring). They did become close over it and eventually sought counselling together.

I mention this because, for your own sake, it is important that you are not his only confidant, that can become a terribly painful and frustrating place to be, especially when you are not professionally qualified to help/know what to do. It is horrible to see someone in pain and not know what to do to help, be scared of making things worse. However, I think you have to gently encourage him to speak to others as well as you, not quickly do something that could be perceived as rejection/an unwillingness to listen and help.

Anyway, hth and sorry about your bf's experiences.

Great advise Rosy.
its still very early days and people can quite often feel quite vulnerable in the Beginning of a new relationship. He has begun to open up to you but there could be lots of other stuff that you do not know about yet which is affecting him.
Perhaps take some of the pressure off for a little while and don't have full sex but just enjoy lots of other intimacies together and this may help him to find some confidence. Just take things slowly.
He may well have ED difficulties due to a physical cause too so it's worth looking into that aspect, it's might not just be an emotional issue.
Take it slowly and remember to put your own needs first. It's great that you recognise your capacity to form co dependent relationships and the only way to stop this happening again is to be aware of it and to analyse the relationship regularly to try to avoid a repeat of the same behaviour.

I think you're missing something glaringly obvious here - you're trying g to fix him!

Don't. Don't focus on his problems, don't think about them or try to solve them. Just leave him be.

If you know about being a fixer then you will know you can't fix anybody. That has to come from within the person who needs help and a trained professional.

Now if you were married with kids I would be saying yes do something but at this stage I wouldn't.

Good luck.

I'd also gently agree that you se slipping into fixer mode.
You hardly know him.
Please only help him if he specifically asks for it.

What QuiteLikely and LadyBlahBlah said.

Let him deal with his issues and his past. You focus on the present: dating a grown man, whose sole responsibility it is to deal with his stuff.

If he wants counselling, he will seek it. It's not something where you can "take the lead".

A new relationship should not be this angst-ridden. His problems are his to sort out

Thank you, I can see all the points being made.

My "thing" is that if we'd got to know each other as platonic friends, I'd have also thought of doing the same thing? (or if it was a female friend, etc). Does this make it more Ok to think about helping out?

(all perspectives very welcome as I don't seem to be able to see my way clear here)

Whether platonic or not, if you are aware that you tend to try to rescue people and are trying to avoid repeating past mistakes, I think that you have to resist. If someone asks for help it might be different.

how on earth can you help him fix this deep-rooted problem he has? You wouldn't have the expertise and you barely know him. I can understand you feel you want to support him but I can't think of a single thing you can do to help apart from be patient. It is up to you if you are prepared to do that.

Having been out with a male abuse survivor where it went completely and utterly tits up in the worst possible way (because of his issues) my advice is to tread VERY carefully.

I suggested counselling to my ex when it became clear that his past was still a major issue for him (having nightmares, told me he felt angry all the time, was constantly scared he was going to bump into his abuser all the time etc.) He responded quite aggressively, not towards me but he was absolutely adamant that he did not want outside help. Looking back now, I sometimes wish I'd pushed harder but I know ultimately that it is his responsibility to seek help and there wasn't much I could have done differently. He may have opened up to you so early on because he trusts you or it may be because he's still having difficulty processing it so it's playing on his mind a lot. My ex was someone I'd known a long time but I was still completely gobsmacked when he told me VERY early on in our relationship - so much so that I didn't really know what to say and that probably made it worse. It was a bit odd though as it wasn't in any kind of sexual context, he just came out with it.

The fact your boyfriend has ED issues complicates this more. Men can be very funny about this kind of thing, refusing to acknowledge there's a problem or refusing help. Pointing out that he needs help for it could really damage his pride but at the same time he can't stick his head in the sand over it forever.

My advice right now would be to ask him if he has ever sought help and if he hasn't, gently suggest that he should. If he's very hostile about it, I would suggest that you back off. Support him as a friend by all means but I have learnt that people who have not dealt with issues like this, or at least addressed them in some way, tend to have a lot of relationship problems. He can ignore it as much as he likes but it will always be the elephant in the room so to speak and it will rear its ugly head again at some point. If he's up for getting help, then I would probably stick by him but just take things VERY slowly.

I don't think you have a rescuer complex (although I have a history of attracting troubled men so what do I know ;)) and I think it's admirable that you want to help but I think it's important to remember that sadly you cannot solve this for him. He has to want to tackle this head on himself and if he's unwilling to do that I would strongly advise you cut your losses. Sounds harsh but I've been through this heart ache myself not that long ago and I'm not exaggerating when I say it's one of the worst things I have ever been through. I do wish now that I'd said to my ex if he wasn't willing to sort himself out then I didn't want a relationship with him. If he'd got help, I would have stood by him every step of the way. Fingers crossed your boyfriend is receptive to it. :)