Should I extend the invitation to include her OH?

[namechangeafternamechange]

My closest friend, of nearly 17 years, is coming to visit for a few days during half term with her 3 yo dd.

Her and OH have been having issues for a few months and they are currently living apart as he failed to face his demons. Over the past month they have been getting on much better and have decided to make a go of things, albeit very slowly, and he is finally getting a handle on things.

We maintained minimal contact with him, with friend's blessing, as he is our ds's godfather and he and my DP have become firm friends over the years. Also, despite his problems, he is actually a lovely guy with a heart of gold.

The last time they were all invited down was when things were falling apart for them, in dramatic style, and he was due to follow my friend down after being at work all day but never showed up. He then proceeded to lie about events but in true comedy style caught himself out a few times (not that this is in any way relevant but I'm just trying to set a scene!)

As things seem to be improving for them I feel almost like I should invite him as well (I don't want him to feel excluded in any way) but I don't want to make my friend feel like he has to come along as she is still a little raw about things and perhaps this will be too much for her atm.

WDYT? Should I invite, or leave well alone and continue plans as made?

ask your friend what she wants ?

No I would leave him out. Your friend may be seeing this as an break from everything and if I was her, I be pissed if you invited him without asking me first.

I'm asking this prior to phoning my friend as I don't know whether to mention him coming (I know you're probably thinking 'why don't you ask her?!').

What do you want to do....

What would friend like to do??

Maybe she is looking forward to relishing the break and looking forward to just seeing you guys.

No, I would definitely not invite him.

Ha x-post, sorry! That's what I'm struggling with, do I ask her or not?

it's your house

your choice really

veto it on your own account or ask her what she prefers

them's the choices

Just say 'You know that OH would be very welcome too unless you want to keep it just to us?'

She'll let you know.

ok

you want us to tell you what to do, yes ?

I say, veto it on your own account and don't invite him. He acted like a dick last time and spoiled what should have been a nice time.

People who act like that don't get asked back unless they are fully back on the scene and all is back to complete normality

which it isn't, so just say no

AnyFucker your bluntness never fails to make me I don't need telling what to do, just asking the fine ladies on MN their opinions and whether they would ask or not.

You are absolutely right, he acted like a total tool last time and the weekend had a tension about it and that spoiled it and I'm guessing that's why I'm reluctant to even mention that I thought it.

I would enjoy the time without him and just enjoy having your friend to yourself (with her DD). Friends need to have just "us" time as much as any relationship. She might want to talk about how things are too - without having him around. And you asking might unintentionally guilt trip her into inviting him along when she doesn't want / need it.

it's a useful bluntness though, yes ?

I would not invite him no

AF your useful bluntness is indeed legendary

OP I agree with AF (well, duh). Sounds to me like he needs to earn his way back into everyone's good graces, not just your friend's. Sort of after the fact, or during the visit, you could say, "you know, Toolhead would have been welcome to come, if you had wanted him to tag along." That way she will know you are a good friend being supportive of her situation and her ongoing decision, without having to have him round at such an early stage.

see, there is always a sensible poster comes along to add the required amount of soft to the blunt ^^

it's win/win on here

I'd just ask her what she's prefer, unless you have a preference either way.

AF

So I phoned and with AF's bluntness fresh in my ears didn't mention it

I guess part of me wants to show her that I'm being supportive of her decision to let him back in (although, given all that's happened, I have to bite my tongue big time to stop myself saying what I really feel about it!!)

I'm going to enjoy spending QT with her and her DD (she's only 6 mo older than my DS and they're so cute together), since we moved far away 7 months ago I've only seen them 3 times, one of those times was marred by his actions, so I'm going to leave it.

Christ just read that back and realise I've seen her more times in 7 months than most people see their own family!!! We are very close and used to see each other every couple of days if that makes it easier to understand

Have a lovely time without the stoopid bloke

Well done and have a lovely time with them and no gitP