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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to call to wish kids goodnight

17 replies

invisiblewomen · 09/02/2015 20:18

first time user of MN ... so please excuse me if I havent followed the right etiquette rules. But had to rant.

DH has a bad memory so reminded him to be home in time for parents evening early so we could go together (at his request - I would have happily gone alone and reported back). Realising that hes not going to be home on time, I try to call him 2 times but number rings out. When i return from parents evening, he's still not home. Starting to get a little worried. Then realise that he's taken his football kit so i think he's forgotten our plans.

Him forgetting isnt whats annoying me (s**t happens) but what annoys me is that i have asked him on a number of occasions to ring me if hes going to be late so at least he can wish the kids goodnight. As it is, kids were also worried and trying to guess where he was.

then he rings (2 hours after he was due home) and says he went to football and couldnt ring because he was driving. Hes still out now and will be gone until 11ish. Before you ask - I dont think he's being unfaithful or anything like that - he just doesnt think sometime!

I seriously dont understand him - how he thinks its ok to leave the house at 7am and not even care to ring his family at least once in the day to check in. Or AIBU/

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 09/02/2015 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrongAsAnOx · 09/02/2015 20:22

Are you sure you're not married to my husband - they sound identical

JeanSeberg · 09/02/2015 20:23

Bollocks to the 'bad memory'. Bet he manages to remember the stuff he sees important (like football).

But I'm with Derek on the saying goodnight. Never done that in the 12 years I've been divorced.

Handywoman · 09/02/2015 20:23

How often does it happen?? You sound like a pretty laid back person. He sounds even more so, or a bit thoughtless, you are probably NBU.

TarkaTheOtter · 09/02/2015 20:27

Not calling to say goodnight wouldn't bother me. In fact it tends to over excite my dd so I would rather he didn't.

However, I don't know what age your children are but in my case if dh went out like that after work without telling me there would be an assumption that I would be free to look after the children (ie he would be seeing me as the default childcarer in the evenings) and that would piss me off.

Original poster

invisiblewomen · 09/02/2015 20:28

Maybe i am being unreasonable. Its just that because we hadnt heard from him all day, i was worried when he didnt show for the parents evening.

Im a SAHM - but my other SAHM DH call them at during the daytime for a quick chat - My DH has never done that. And I feel a bit forgotten.

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 09/02/2015 20:29

It's good manners to let your OH know if you'll be significantly later home than they're expecting. I wouldn't expect them to ring to wish the children goodnight, or to check in during the day - even if 7am to 11pm - if that was the expected timing.

StrawberryMojito · 09/02/2015 20:38

Yanbu. If one of us is not going to be home at bedtime, we will always try to call in to say goodnight to dc. And yes, I would definitely expect Dh to call in to say he was going to be significantly late home.

Original poster

invisiblewomen · 09/02/2015 20:38

Yes i am the default childcarer. and yes, he does seem to have selective bad memory.

Also, because i was expecting him home at 5.30, I was genuinely worried that something bad had happened (his phone was ring out so no way of knowing if he was ok)

Thanks everyone for the advice - maybe i am being a bit ott on the wishing kids goodnight. i do still think a quick phonecall sometime during the day wouldnt be out of the question though (but i probably shouldnt compare myself to my other SAHM friends)

OP posts:

Original poster

invisiblewomen · 09/02/2015 20:40

thank you StrawberryMojito
thought i was going loopy

OP posts:

trickydickie · 09/02/2015 20:48

Yes I would want him to phone me and to speak to the children to say goodnight. My Dh works away maybe 4 to 6 times a month. He rarely phones when he is away. Dh had admitted that he doesn't miss the children when he is away. He is a fantastic Dad, spends loads of time with them, is as involved in their life as me. He cuddles and kisses them etc. Yet he says he just doesn't miss them when he isn't with them. Whereas I miss them loads when I rarely get away. When I've been away and Dh has them I phone home. To speak to him, to the kids. to check all is ok. My dh clearly doesn't phone home (ET) as he doesn't miss the kids and doesn't miss me! I am not saying the same for your dh. Maybe he just got obsessed with being in time for his football game and forgot all about phoning home.

itsbetterthanabox · 09/02/2015 21:13

I'd be very upset. He chose football over parents evening
He should have called you to let you know he was going to be late. It's not fair to worry you. But he also shouldn't have been late.
Very selfish behaviour.

LittleMouseontheDairy · 09/02/2015 23:23

I do not think you are BU in the slightest. Checking in so you know each other's movements is a reasonable courtesy. Of course we all have busy days and it's not possible to do so - which is fair enough if that's the case for him. Doesn't mean it's any less unreasonable that you feel a little upset at the lack of contact, even if it was unintentional or unavoidable.
Just in case it's helpful to put it in context, my DP has (as many do) a busy job. I don't need him to get back by a certain time but I like to know when he's heading home in case there's a chance he'll say goodnight to DS, and he always - without fail- tells me when he's planning to leave the office/ when he's on the train. If he didn't I'd know something was very wrong! I'm not saying this as a stealth boast, just that it's actually not that hard to do so. And it's not unreasonable of you to expect that your partner would be in touch on a day where you were both expected at a parents' evening.

BeCool · 10/02/2015 11:45

I don't call my young DC to wish them goodnight when they are with XP for the weekend. I think you are being OTT here.

But YANBU re him not calling you re change of plans/checking in etc.

Do you also get time to go out and do your hobbies/interests when you want to?

PastPerfect · 10/02/2015 11:58

YABU re calling to say goodnight - I don't do this when I'm working as it sets a precedent which cannot always be fulfilled (I travel in multiple time zones) and I absolutely want to avoid any scenario where my DC might be worried because I haven't called.

Not bothering to let you know he won't be somewhere he said he'd be is completely different - that makes him a selfish arse.

CuddlesfromChickens · 10/02/2015 12:04

I'd be fairly furious that football came before parents evening.

I'd be annoyed that I wasn't given an indication if he was coming home for dinner.

I'd be having a serious conversation about why he isn't capable of a thirty second text.

My DH works away a lot he does generally call to say goodnight but can't always and the children understand that.

BTW the children shouldn't have been in a position to be worried about their Dad. You shouldn't be transferring your concerns to them.

NeedABumChange · 10/02/2015 12:08

I think checking in everyday from work is odd! Calling to say goodnight is meh, maybe if he was working away from home but otherwise I'd not expect it.
I would however expect to be told if he had changed plans from returning home at half five to eleven. What happens with dinner? What if you had agreed to meet someone for a drink or needed to pop to the shop etc?

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