Not happy with my dh anymore

[sprout44]

I know this may only be a slump but im finding it harder and harder to feel close to my dh. I know from other posts on here that people have a horrible time in some realtionships so i feel bad about complaining about him. He is a good husband and i think still loves me, we are married 20 years so over all we have a good relationship. Our sex life is just ok, he never complaines but i know he likes it more than i do. I can just just go without. I dont know if i am not terribly attracted to him , not sure why as he is hansome. Its just he annoys me, he is so sensible and straight laced about everything. He would never ever bring up any problems and i feel i cannot start a conversation with him and it would hurt his feelings. I know things will be ok but i just do not feel close to him, a lot is my own fault We have a lot of stress over our oldest dd as she causes a lot of fights and dh will attach me for shouting at her. He was off sick last week from work, nothing terrible but i had to do everything where as the week before i was sick and i had to carry on as normal. Anyway i do not know where i am going with this but i kind of just wanted to write it down as i would never say it to anyone as it would be taken up wrong. I am probley just being selfish and unfair.

I think you need to talk to him and explain how you feel. Maybe write a letter if its too hard to talk.

It's not selfish or unfair to say that you and your DH are incompatible or that there are problems. Can't help thinking that there's a bigger back story here. When you say 'sensible and strait laced'.... what do you mean exactly? When you say he 'attacks you for shouting at your DD'... what generally happens? The sickness thing sounds like there are double-standards operating. Do double-standards apply to other areas of your family life?

I don't think you are being selfish or unfair. Sounds like you don't feel supported. I think that could be why you feel distant. Maybe you should try to speak to him again or seek counselling together?

It strikes me that you're not in a relationship where you can be open and honest about your feelings. Relationships are based on communication.

Tbh if you can't learn to communicate again then things aren't going to get any better.

Thanks for your replies, communication is the problem or me just being discontented at this stage of my life, late 4o's I have no plans to leave or even look for another partner. The lack of support is exactly it, i am a SAHM for the past 5 years but very actively looking for part time work again. I hate not having my own little bit of money and being indebted to anyone even if he is my dh. I just know if i bring this all up, he will just think he; here she goes again, complaining and moaning about poor old me. He has a very stressful job but does it does no pay well so we have few extras like a night out. I am not that keen to even go with him i woud rather go with my friends and have a better chat. I really wish i was IN love with him again as i know i love him and our family. Double standards im not so sure about that one; Like most SAHM i do the lions share of housework so i resent him a little for not helping out or at least recognising its hard. I may try and talk to him but being a man he is not good at it and would rather avoid it. How do you overcome the lack of interest in sex, i would rather read my book, im sure i am not alone on that issue, but i know its the best way to get close to each other again.

God it sounds awful OP, you may have just simply falling out of love with him, by the sounds of it the relationship isn't very close anyway, you should be able to talk to him about anything and everything, not scared he will think you re a nag - no wonder you don't feel close.

You either both agree to make a big effort or I'd say call it a day, it wont change unless you both want it to, sounds like he's happy to just trot along without addressing any issues and it is an issue, you don't want to be in a love less relationship.

Sex is an expression of love, affection and closeness. If you feel resentment towards someone because they don't take your ambitions seriously, are lazy around the home, or anything else contemptuous, you're not going to be sexually attracted to them. Perhaps that how you start the conversation.

BTW most men men are just as good at talking about problems as most women. People who don't care about your feelings or who have no intention of changing. They don't like talking

Not sure about 'most men' being good at talking about their problems. Maybe they are in a professional setting with a counsellor ( are you a counsellor CES- you seem to have a lot to say on this forum?) but in the home I'd say they are less inclined to bring up issues and tend to be more of an ostrich- anything for a peaceful life attitude.
Some men ( and women) find it incredibly hard to talk about their feelings and it ought not to be assumed they don't care for the other person. It's alot to do with their parenting- men ( and women) who never experienced the 'feelings talk' as a child find it very hard.

Ironically, it's the OP who says she has a problem bringing up the issue

i feel i cannot start a conversation with him and it would hurt his feelings. I know things will be ok but i just do not feel close to him, a lot is my own fault

OP You need to perhaps try some counselling on your own to give yourself some space to talk about how you feel then perhaps try couples counselling or talk to your DH about what you have said in counselling.

If neither of you talks, nothing will change.

"here she goes again, complaining and moaning about poor old me"

.... sounds a lot like someone who doesn't care. Very dismissive.

I think that comment is what the OP thinks he will say- but as she also says she has not brought anything up yet, it's not the reality. She's feeling guilty about the thoughts she has, not the fact she's already gone on about it already- because she hasn't.

You see I would assume that the above reaction is something the OP has actually heard before.... and hence why she is reluctant to bring anything up. Wonder who is right?

Why does he do a job he finds very stressful if it doesn't even pay well?

Why is your DD starting fights? That kind of thing doesn't come out of nowhere.

Gosh, i don't know how to respond to some of these comments. Firstly our oldest dd a teenage girl is another issue altogether and i have written on another board about her. She is strong willed and difficult and is always causing trouble, sometimes dh will just tell me to let it go and shouts at me and i feel mad at him even if he is right, again here i do not feel supported as i am home with them the most and care about how she acts.

Dh job is a goverment job that is now over burdned with the work load and less staff. No choice there . Its very hard to write down all that is going on with us but for sure lack of communication. He does care but would prefer an easier life and not talk about it and just hope it will improve. I will talk to him and start with the lack of support i feel . An example this weekend a relative died and i had to attend the funeral, he choose not to come with me as he still had not recovered from his flu but i felt he could have it he wanted to, not the first time. If i said this to him, he would say what are you talking about i always support you;. Im sure i am not the only under appreciated wife out there. The talk will happen . thanks for all your input.