Help! Recently seperated and having a BAD day

[Thingsarel00kingup]

Just need to vent really, and any advice gratefully received. In such a muddle that I've forgotten my password and had to rejoin! I don't even know what day it is most of the time!
Was all upbeat when I posted last week, and I've reread the thread to try and shake off today's downer but not doing too well.
Been separated 3 weeks and was doing well. It was my - rather abrupt - decision, although I should have done it years ago. The final straw was such a trivial little thing too - I just knew he was too attached to his phone and hiding something. Porn addiction as it happens, plus contact with other women (at the very least.). Have been married 23 years, since I was 18, and he's been every type of abusive (particularly emotionally, financially and sexually, sadly - I'm not sure I've ever 'made love' which really saddens me, and never orgasmed, but that's a different thread).
I'm having a bad day today - I miss what I thought I had. I miss what I thought we were going to do, and going to achieve in the future. I've not really got any friends apart from people I've got to know in the last few months. I didn't really make friends because he told me people didn't really like me and I didn't really like people! He was my best friend, and the only person I talked to. He could be very nice at times, we did have fun, great holidays etc. but obviously these came with a price (I'd want romance and was basically treated as a fuck hole).
His family have totally ignored me which surprised me, and really hurts. I've only got an elderly mum, no dad or siblings, so all his siblings and neices/nephews were a big part of our social life.
He has moved out and is going to rent somewhere. I'm in the family home with the children. It's lovely but needs work and is a bit shabby and the places he's looking to rent are AMAZING!! Clean, trendy, modern with great kitchens (mine is literally falling apart!) and gorgeous bathrooms (again, mine is a massive crap hole!). So he's basically off to a lovely bachelor pad and I'm stuck in the half done house full of his DIY cock ups.
Sorry, thanks if you've got this far, I just feel really down today. For someone permanently attached to his phone, he takes days to answer emails. I just wish he'd be sorry for what he's been like, but he's acting like this is the best result ever. I'm reading Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that' at the minute and can't believe I was so stupid and so blind to what was going on.
Please help me snap out if this. I'm wavering.
Thanks

Hi Things,

I just wanted to let you know I'm in the same situation but 5 months down the line. Don't waver, keep going. You deserve better. It does get easier but there's still some days when I grieve for what I thought we had.
The Lundy Bancroft book is excellent. So is The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity (if he was unfaithful)

It does get easier. Even the hardest days only last 24 hours. Hang in there.

Any big decision comes with wobbles and doubts. Recognise them for what they are rather than letting them divert you off course. All the 'cons' you mention have to be set up against the massive 'pro' of being free from abuse. No contest, right? :)

In-laws almost invariably side with their blood relative, good, bad or indifferent. If you've no friends, this could be the time to start planning a social life, get out the night school courses, join the book club etc. Anything to get you out of the house. And speaking of the house.... if it's getting you down and full of bad DIY and painful memories, there's really nothing to stop you selling it as part of the divorce and using the cash generated to buy something less dilapidated.

Have you taken legal advice?

Hi Cogito
I don't know your back story but....

Your advice is always brilliant, whoever and whatever the problem! Thanks. I keep putting off legal advice because
(a) I know it will be painful and
(b) I know it will be complicated - we run a business together (so at the moment I have no job!!)
I know what everyone is saying is right, I know what I'm doing is right, but today I've hit a bad patch and just can't see the light. Eurghhh, so annoying how some people get in your head and mess things up! I don't even know how the f#*¥ing telly works as I've never had the remote!!
Cogito - I hope your advice means you are in a MUCH better place (un-mnetty kisses!)x

Hi Cogito
I don't know your back story but....

Your advice is always brilliant, whoever and whatever the problem! Thanks. I keep putting off legal advice because
(a) I know it will be painful and
(b) I know it will be complicated - we run a business together (so at the moment I have no job!!)
I know what everyone is saying is right, I know what I'm doing is right, but today I've hit a bad patch and just can't see the light. Eurghhh, so annoying how some people get in your head and mess things up! I don't even know how the f#*¥ing telly works as I've never had the remote!!
Cogito - I hope your advice means you are in a MUCH better place (un-mnetty kisses!)

I am a week ahead of you in similar circumstances - (30 years x 4 kids - 8yo-16yo) - been together since we were at school.

I have had wobbles - but mostly I feel numb (in shock? over-whelmed?) - but then the anger sweeps back in and I know why this needs to be done - and I then look around me and realise that the kids are fine and the house is in fact calm - early days - but I am looking forward to bedding in this stability and guess what maybe even fun and happiness will be in store.....

Look at the emotional wobbles like being hit by an ocean wave - it may pull you under, it may knock you off balance, you may be caught unaware and not have seen it coming.....go with it, dont resist it and it will soon subside and you will surface again into the light. Someone explained this analogy to me for grief and I found it really helpful as I was terrified I would be consumed by it 24/7....I am using it in my divorce as it is the same - major loss of past and future - wondering what the last 30 years were about - and having no clue what my future will bring.

It is all about coming to terms and processing the collapse of a very long term relationship. For me it is why did I stay so long? Am I a different person now? Will I f**k up my kids? Lots of negative thoughts and uncertainty -- but actually I am in control now for the first time in my life.

From my previous experience of grief I think divorce is the same process - and it is a bit like "Going on a Bear Hunt" - you cant get over it, you cant get under it - you have to get thru it.

And it is exhausting and slow and not a straight line - many surprises along the way (who knew you best mates would abandon you - and who knew that wonderful new friends would appear from no where).

Take it easy, take it slow - look for restful, healing experiences.

Yesterday I cleared out the laundry room - it is now spotless and out went all his shit that he hoarded there deliberately despite EVERY DAY me saying "take your tennis racket, muddy football boots, tool kit, drill that I have just sliced my toe on etc etc out of my laundry room and put them in the garage" - I had so much pleasure dumping this shit for the last time. I will also paint it "high-lighter pink" - just for fun....

I know how you're feeling and it's just rubbish. But keep thinking, this is just a blip and you will be back in control soon. I'm 3.5 months post split & still having to live with him & there have been some god awful days of putting a brave face on it, then calling my mum and crying like a baby. You're having a really rough time, so just go with how you feel day by day and don't best yourself up about it. I promise it goes get easier, you've done the really hard but which is actually ending things. I actually look forward to my weekends now rather than dreading them & keep thinking 6 months from now how much happier life will be. Hang in there, you can do it