If you were in marriage counselling and your wife's birthday was coming up....

[feesh]

......would you ask her 36 hours before her birthday what she wants?

Because silly me I had got it into my head that I was going to get some special treatment this year (2nd birthday since having twins, full time SAHM, and am desperately in need of a break and some me-time, so I'm not asking for any money to be spent but by god there is so much he could do to make my birthday a nice one without hardly trying).

We just had a big fight and he's gone out to an exhibition despite claiming to not have any time to sort something out for my birthday. All I got was, 'I'm trying, what do you want from me' (Er no you're not trying, you're asking me to think of my own present at the last minute) and 'Well I was going to go out and get it tomorrow night' (Oh right, ok, I'll cancel the thing I was going to then).

Sorry for the ranty and slightly entitled nature of this post, but I've just had enough.

Good Lordy, this birthday would be so easy!! All it would take is a little consideration of what your life is like.

I too would feel ranty.

How is the counselling going

So the marriage counselling isn't really making much difference?

We've only had two sessions. It's all a bit confusing at the moment. I have some issues to do with my upbringing which have made me utterly useless in relationships as I don't know how to communicate, plus having the twins has been a huge, huge thing (obviously) and we pretty much stopped having any kind of sex life after they were conceived. He is very passive, has never really made much of an effort romantically, never wanted to address the lack of sex thing etc, so counselling has brought all this out, it's all very complicated and my head swims when I try and think of how we got here,

We've barely scratched the surface in counselling yet, but I'm hoping it will be the beginning of a new beginning for us eventually.

I just naively hoped he might have put some effort into planning this birthday. Like I said, I don't even want a gift, just a bit of peace and quiet for a day would be amazing.

I've calmed down now, we will discuss it more rationally when he comes back.

I find it's best not to leave these things to chance. 'Naively hoping' or relying on telepathy leaves you disappointed and frustrated. Articulate what it is you want and there's a better chance of it happening

I know. I am useless with communication.

To be fair though, all I have ever wanted (and been promised) is a day or even a weekend to myself, and every time he's asked me what I want for my birthday for the last 3 weeks, I've said "some peace and quiet". It's been a struggle these past couple of years and I have recently gone on anti depressants.

There's a background of a lack of effort though, which is why I'm a bit sensitive.

Could you find a spa day or something like that and direct him to the website and make him book it while you hover over his shoulder?

Blokes often work in facts and figures, asking for a 'day off' isn't an item in their brains, but saying I want to go to this place on this date and I'll be there all day is. Then it is booked, marked on the calendar, and everyone knows. I literally give my DH a list, and he buys exactly what is on the list, with no deviation or attempt to be creative.

Also, they are renowned for unable to make an independent effort to sort problems out as they just don't see them. There are rare exceptions I am told. Hence why you feel that he isn't trying on a whole range of issues. Counselling has brought them to the surface which is a start, but counselling also has to help you work through and resolve them otherwise its not really doing what it should. Ideally they should do this without blaming you for all the problems too!