She wants to go NC with me? How do I get over the pain?

[Roseformeplease]

I have 3 sisters and do not live close by any of them (2 are abroad). I see all of them rarely and, while I felt we were close, we all struggled to deal with competing egos and each other when our Dad died and it has caused problems. I speak regularly to the youngest one and we get on very well. One of the others contacts me rarely but, when we do, while she is very self-pitying, we usually have a good chat. The other one has hardly bothered in years.

She is going through a divorce and has children (young ones) and will be moving back to the UK. I have always sent presents, cards and so forth and never got anything back but I know she is having a tough time and tbh, part of the gift giving has been a way of keeping my children connected in some way to their cousins. I message a bit (usually texts) and send the odd e-mail. We have spoken once recently (I had to tell her about a bereavement) and then we played phone tag for 2 weeks and left messages, but never spoke.

She is owed a lot of money by two family members (not me) and messaged asking for help getting it back. I did not want to get involved but did say that I would try to persuade one of them (Mum) to sell her flat (in Mum's best interests to do this and move nearer, and somewhere cheaper) and thus release money. Sister was trying to use a power of attorney to force equity release and I had good advice on here about this.

Other than this, I have not got involved.

Last night she sent me the most vicious, nasty e-mail I have ever received. She told me not to contact her again ever, not to send the children presents, that she would be changing her contact details when she moves back to the UK.

I know she is suffering, as are the children as someone has seen her recently. She is seeking help from another (half) sister who is very wealthy. This sister was wealthy too. I work in a school.

She has attacked me for all sorts of things - DH buying a house with his father's money rather than putting money towards my Dad's funeral (which we offered but we were told just to write a big cheque, sister was deciding what was happening).

There are dozens of accusations, some of them for things I have probably done wrong. One is not visiting my mother often - she lives 800 miles away and is an alcoholic and I find visiting her, with her heavy smoking very distressing (and expensive) and so go rarely. So, she is right.

I know I should just leave her and stop trying to be her big sister. She is going to live with our half (wealthy) sister and that hurts very, very much. I have been rejected and my horrible half-sister with her horses and country estate is chosen. My children will not know their cousins. I want to be there for her and help her settle in the UK.

I am just so very, very hurt. I know I have to just leave it but it feels like a bereavement - like she has gone. I am crying a lot (menopause?) and it is bringing up all sorts of things.

How do I get over her? I bottle fed her as a baby. I love her.

Don't expect anything other than abuse if you do send her a supportive message. But maybe she will remember them when she is in a better place. I'd try to keep the door open, if I were you. But at the same time, get on with your own life and focus on all the good things and people you have.

If she is demanding over and over and making allegations against another sister, she's still the same as she was 3 months ago. You can give her your DH's details but it's not going to end well. If she had changed and was willing to be reasonable, she wouldnt be badmouthing your sister.

sonjadog's response is best.

Sorry, my message posted itself somehow, but I didn't think it had.

I think that you have the right to restate your love and concern for your sister, but that terrorising you/your family with her unreasonable and intrusive demands is not acceptable.

Tell her that you are more than happy to have a reasonable and calm conversation with her in normal waking hours, but being bombarded with demands at all hours and having her involving you in slagging off others, dragging you into situations you have nothing to do with, nor want anything to do with is not happening anymore, and she needs to stop it immediately.

Perhaps you standing up and saying enough will be so much of a novelty to her, that it'll wake her up. Either way she has no right to disturb and upset anyone.

Thank you all so much. I am, for the moment, remaining silent and replying to nothing. Just because I am so much happier when I am not worrying about what to say, how to respond, etc. I feel, by saying nothing, I have sort of regained control. I had thought of blocking her number but want to be there, just in case. She has 3 young children so may need me some day.

I think she wants to deal with DH because she sees me as unreasonable. She wants him to sort things out, like a stern headmaster. He wants nothing to do with it and has been brilliant!

But what on earth does she think your DH can do? He's nothing to do with her really - all her issues are with her blood family, not her inlaws!

Bit of an update on this (it gets worse....).

Sister has now moved ack to the UK, taking her 3 children to live in a part of the country where we were all born, but have never really lived. It is an odd choice, far from London (where she might get work in her profession) and Heathrow / Gatwick for her children being easily able to see their Dad. She has few UK friends but the ones she has are near London - she is now 300 miles away from there. She is near a few members of the wider family but has not seen many of them for years.

She has been staying temporarily with family, waiting for rental house, furniture, animals to arrive. Meanwhile, our Mum, who is alcoholic and housebound, has been diagnosed with cancer. Sister has refused to believe this, but has suggested she would be happy if Mum dies (she will get her money back!) and continues to send poisonous messages about me to all and sundry, working to turn the wider family against me. We live 8 hours away but go down there fairly regularly as I also have good friends in the area. We go to every family party we can and consider this part of the family a very, very important part of our lives. We see her hosts regularly and they are particularly close to DH.

She sent me one e-mail saying "I am going to be living in x" to which I replied positively, briefly, saying I hope she is well and to pack jumpers (the weather has been terrible, they have mo ed from a hot country). She replied telling me to fuck off.

Clearly, I need to stop replying, even when the message seems friendly. I foolishly got sucked in, thinking she might want a relationship again. I have not tried to get hold of her since her return but have had reason (holiday plans) to speak to her hosts. She has worked hard to persuade them to hate me - they remain loyal. She has sent poisonous e-mails to another sister about me.

Not sure what I am asking really. Mum has cancer and may either refuse treatment or just not turn up. Treatment will only delay things, not cure the cancer. Sister is telling people the cancer is a lie. She is trying to alienate my close family (hers too, but I have been seeing them regularly for 20 years while she has been overseas and holidaying in exotic locations)

Help? How do I proceed? What about the next family occasion?

There's nothing you can do to help her. Do not respond to emails or text etc from her, unless of course she is apologising forn her behaviour. Even then I'd be on your guard if I were you.

As for family occasions it sounds like she is failing in alienating you from you family - but succeeding in alienating herself, so carry on as usual ignoring her.

You can't fix her, even if you are the big sister, nor should you keep trying to.

Thanks so much, BMW6. DH keeps telling me the same. He comes from an only slightly dysfunctional family so my totally fuck up slightly bewilders him. However, it is good to have spelled out to me, by posters such as yourself, what is the healthy, appropriate reaction.

Sometimes she does act nicely, only to cut me down when I tentatively respond. Worth being on my guard for this.

My advice would be not to reply to any more of her messages. It just gives her the opportunity to hurt you more.

Trust that the family members she is badmouthing you to can see her for what she is. I bet they can and that she is making everyone very uncomfortable with all her venom. Keep the moral high ground and don't bad mouth her back. I'm sure she won't succeed in alienating your wider family.

For whatever reason she sounds very ill. It could be mental illness or it could be alcoholism, but whatever it is you have to protect yourself.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds dreadful.

Ignore her but keep in contact with the family members she is bad mouthing you to.

Don't bitch or complain about her. Just say something along the lines of how bad you feel about the estrangement, especially as you don't know why it happened. That you are worried about her (ESP her mental health) but you are keeping away so as not to cause her more stress.

Then apologise to your relatives that they seem to have been placed in the middle.

Then change the subject.

They will work it out.

Don't reply but just keep up your relationships with other family members. It seems like they realise that her accusations are hot air. Sorry she's being so awful to you.

Sorry to hear your sister is being so abusive towards you. It sounds like she's in a very bad place, and I wonder if she might have a personality disorder?
Remember that the problem is her not you. You have not done or said anything wrong. We have no idea why she's lashing out at you, and you may never know. The important thing is to set boundaries - ignore/block and go NC if necessary.
Sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis too.
Take care of yourself OP. I'm glad you have a supportive DH.

I read this thread not realizing that events had played out over several months and the one thing that stood out to me was the payment for your Dads funeral. Am I right in thinking that you didn't contribute anything after your sister made it clear she was organizing? Or was there some other disagreement?

Your DSis seems extremely hurt and angry and I wonder if she is lashing out because she feels you should be apologizing for something?

I think you have two options. Either you ignore and disengage or you call her say you love her, that you are sorry if she feels hurt and let down by you (I'm also inclined to agree with the pp re just how desperate she might have been for your help in obtaining the cash your mum owes) and asking her to meet for a face to face conversation.

Only you can know whether this is worth the effort or not

And I'm very sorry for your mums diagnosis

Thanks all for some very wise words and comfort.

We did offer money towards my Dad's wake (funeral was overseas so there was just a memorial in the UK - sorry, did not make that clear). I queried the very expensive venue they were using (my father left debt only and had long been divorced from my Mum). I suggested negotiating, or starting with a budget we could all afford, and offered £300 towards food and drink (40 people, roughly). I was told I was cheap, that it's not about money. They went ahead with free bar and huge buffet. DH again offered £300 to sister's husband and was told not to bother. We had paid to fly 4 of us to the other end of UK, at a date we found very expensive and 3 nights hotel. We had buried (and paid for FiL) just 6 weeks before.

Yes. She is desperate for the cash (20k) but my Mum has nothing but her flat (plus recent cancer diagnosis and already housebound) and state pension only. We dispute (but have never told her this) some of the money - when is it a loan? When a gift? I frequently bail my mother out by paying bills, sending food shop but do not keep a tally)

Her divorce has given her approx 500k plus school fees and 75k to move with. It is hard for her, with children and on her own. But, my Mum has nothing and no lawyer would take Sister's case, I suspect.

I really feel terrible about Dad's wake. What can I do? We offered money before, on the day? We explained how broke we are. They earned 500k a year then, we earn 40k. It is hard to explain no money to someone for whom £300 is someone "being cheap".

Maybe I am angry. She is best to stay away. She is certainly ill.

"I really feel terrible about Dad's wake. What can I do? We offered money before, on the day? We explained how broke we are. They earned 500k a year then, we earn 40k. It is hard to explain no money to someone for whom £300 is someone "being cheap". "

Do precisely nothing. Try not to feel guilty. You offered to make a contribution you could afford, and she rudely refused it. She is being completely unreasonable to throw it in your face.

It sounds like she is very motivated by money. That might explain why she has chosen a rich half-sister over you (for now). Although it's painful it could be a blessing in disguise. I think you're better off keeping your distance from such a toxic person.

I'm sorry about your mum.
You're not going to like this, but you do sound quite patronising about her choices.
Digs about exotic holiday locations - why not? If I was on half a million a year you'd not see me at Margate either!
And explaining that her choice of place to live isn't near to London... well, if she has £500K from the divorce, perhaps living near work isn't relevant?

If (and I'm making huge assumptions here!) she feels you judging her choices, I can see why you telling her to pack jumpers could result in a "oh just fuck off big sis, yes, you bottle fed me - but you're not my mum, so just fuck off telling me what to pack" reaction.

I speak as one of 4 sisters I can ABSOLUTELY see us reacting like that, to what on the outside seems innocuous or even kind!

With the bigger picture you've given, this goes beyond sibling squabbles - trying to get other relatives against you isn't on.

But I think you should totally back off. I once fell out with my best friend (no idea what I did) and I knew from a third party that all my reasonable, kind, emails were taken as further evidence that I was a clueless patronising bitch!

It wasn't until 10 years later than former best friend had to face me at a wedding and emailed before to say she was sorry and it had 99% been about her being in a terrible place and projecting.

So I definitely say back off - but also, don't question all her choices. Maybe she doesn't need to live near Gatwick because her husband is an arsehole who isn't bothered about seeing the kids? Or is, but will do so only for longer trips and they're all happy with that?

Try to create rule on your email to redirect emaiks she sends to another account and delete them at yours. Give your DH password and not look at it for the next few months.

You can't change how others act but you have power over how you react to it.

Maybe she's chosen the half sister because they get on better. It's the OP commenting on them marrying money, not the OP's sister or half sister.

I get on best with my wealthiest sister. It's got nothing to do with money. I daresay the other two sisters (I'm second of us for earnings) could say we prefer each other because we can afford Centerparcs. It's not true though.

If she has nearly 600k she should not be badgering your sick elderly mum for cash. I think you should tell her so, and don't feel bad that you didn't pay towards your Dads wake. They rudely turned your contribution down.

Even the money owed by your mum... OK, you say some is a grey area and what is a gift? But you seem to accept some money is owed.

Your mum is an alcoholic and neither of you have a good relationship with her.

If I didn't like my mother and felt she had treated me badly - as alcoholics often do - I also might want my money back, whether I needed it or not.

Thanks all, particularly Cabrinha who is very straight talking. I agree, anything I say is mis-read. Telling her my daughter is playing fiddle in a band = boasting. Telling her we are off on holiday to Yorkshire = questioning her choice to holiday elsewhere. Money is an issue as she has always had a lot and been impatient with the idea of having little. I also think my attempt at being light-hearted (with the jumper comment) was taken wrong, it was just pissing with rain at the time I wrote it and we live in the place with the worst UK weather!

None of my comments about her choices, howeve, have gone to her, just in here. In fact, I have made no comment to her at all beyond the "Good to have you back, pack jumpers, one of a couple of months ago". I just felt that her choice to move somewhere I love and visit a lot is part of MY problem about how to cope. I will, inevitably, see her.

Yes, my Mum owes her a lot of money. It was given with no strings and no end date by sister and then, suddenly, it all has to be paid back. I tried, valiantly, (for other reasons as well to do with my Mum's health) and have been trying for years to get Mum to sell up and move somewhere cheaper / smaller / closer to one of us. In vain. I tried once more, and failed. Mum is housebound and very, very stubborn - hence the possibility she won't take cancer treatment (it will involve being away from booze / home).

As for my sister's choice of where to live, I suppose I worry. We were wealthy as children and then divorce led to a council house and benefits. 500k does not buy a lot, property wise if you also need an income and it is a "clean break" with no maintenance for children. So, with few job prospects, no friends nearby, she will struggle more and become iller and nastier. I had assumed she would settle nearer London as her line of work is city-based pretty exclusively and she will, eventually, have to find work again, I assume, although she has been SAHM for a good while now.

History seems to be repeating itself! Weird hey?

The half sister thing was true when I started this thread. Not sure now. Half-sister is near London and being with her, while painful for me, would have made some sense. But, that has not transpired.

Not sure where I mentioned exotic holidays. I think they mostly holidayed where they lived (exotic already) or in cottages in the UK (Cornwall etc). We have a mixture of cottage holidays and the odd Europe every 2-3 years so not awful!

I have totally backed off. Had no contact, nothing, since being told to fuck off. However, everyone keeps telling me about her which is hard. Why can't she tell me herself?

Most of her late night demands are by text and can't change that number, or block (she has a new number which I don't have so can only block once she starts up again). I think I alternate between being very angry and wanting to "put her straight" - hence venting on here. And being so upset that I am being sick with crying.

Luckily, I have this place to vent but, I promise, she knows none of my feelings. I even minimise it to DH who just thinks ignore her and that is the end of it.

to all who are being kind, supportive and putting me straight.