Well, my fist ever proper experience of dating came to an end last night after the guy I’d been seeing for a couple of months brought to a head what I knew had to be addressed in that our fledgling relationship didn’t seem to going anywhere. It was true really. Although we really hit it off on our first couple of dates things seemed to stall after that and there wasn’t really enough momentum to get things going on either side. I’m pretty sure we both had our reasons for this, both personal and circumstantial, as well as missing the vital ‘click’.
It’s sad because he was a nice guy, but I think I’m probably more sad because it was my first relationship experience since splitting from my husband last year and it’s resurfaced those horrible feelings of loss and rejection, which is a bit of a kick in the guts after the high of meeting someone new and being full of excitement and hope and expectation. It feels like it’s back down to earth with a bump now and back to square one, and I’m feeling a bit unlovable and unwanted and generally not good enough.
But deep down I know that’s silly, and realistically I’m going to need to toughen up and get used to it.
Also, I think the timing of meeting him had been nice as it happened just as I moved away from the city I’d lived in for the last 10 years with my husband and into a new town, so it was nice to think I had new town/new flat/new man, and someone to be part of my new life. Now I have to face the reality of being there all on my own and starting from scratch without the support of a partner – filling the weekends on my own and not having someone to share everyday chit chat with. Not that we ever actually did that as our texting was almost non-existent!
Hm, I think writing this has been really useful as the more I look at it the more I realise I craved the comfort and safety of a relationship again rather than this particular guy, as nice as he was and as much as I hate to feel he just didn’t want me. It’s funny but one of things I keep fixating on is how much I liked the fact that he made his own bread in a bread machine. How ridiculous is that?! What a daft thing to be upset about losing. I have never had bread-making abilities anywhere on my tick-list for suitable partners!! Maybe it’s my subconscious telling me what kind of traits I want from my long-term partner, after months of feeling unsure and not knowing if I even wanted to be in a relationship again.
This was the first time in my life I’d ever dated someone I didn’t already know and it has made me realise just how hard it’s going to be to meet someone now as I just don’t come into contact with that many single, compatible men now that I’m 34 and almost all my friends and peer group are in relationships. I am considering trying online dating but am going to wait until I’m feeling a bit stronger and more settled in my new home/new town.
What this has really drilled into me is that I have to have a life and network of my own to thrive and really be happy as otherwise the risk of becoming dependant on someone who’s not going to stick around is too big, and I’ll risk getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons. I’m trying to do all that by joining sports clubs etc so hopefully it’s just a matter of time until I have a more solid social life of my own. Maybe that should be my promise to myself for the next 3 months actually. Forget all about even thinking about a relationship, get the divorce sorted and focus on creating a new social network. Sounds sensible!
Wow, that was only supposed to be a few lines of wallowing and seems to have turned into a cathartic self-therapy session. I don’t suppose there’s much need for replies really (unless you have lots of encouraging stories of people who met the love of their lives and had a family in their mid-to-late thirties!) but I shall post anyway just in case it helps someone else in a similar position.
Be happy everyone x