Spending time with in laws makes me love DP a little less

[Jackieharris]

Should have nc but cba

Has anyone else ever felt like this? You have a good relationship (with its usual ups and downs) with your DP but when you're in the company of his family it makes you see him in a different light that isn't altogether flattering.

I don't want to give too much away but I feel like there's a wedge between us when we're with his family. He becomes a big kid (youngest in family), flashes the cash (even though we're broke), will never comment on appalling behaviour of relatives' DCs (as he would on mine) etc etc.

I feel like we're worlds apart, not a unit. It reminds me that his upbringing was so different from mine. It shows where the routes of the arguments we do have about things like money and cleanliness come from.

I'm remembering why we agreed that he would see his family without me, but then that makes me feel excluded. He feels welcome around my family.

I think I have to accept that after several years of this it isn't going to change and me being around them will always make me feel uncomfortable and I should avoid visits. But then it feels like dp has a secret life and holiday visits totally separate from me. These are his only holidays as we can't afford to go anywhere together.

Does this make any sense?

It makes absolute sense, and it's not good.

You seem to have some real fundamental incompatibilities.

Several years? 'Your' kids that he's happy to tell off (but sucks up to his family ones)? Are they both of your children, and how long have you been together?

Because I am thinking, if I had children of my own to think about, and was bringing in a person who seems capable of having such a negative effect on my own concept of the 'family' and values etc. I'd like my children to have, I'd be reassessing whether he's the right one for me.

If they're his kids too and you ARE the family - then that's what I'd be working on, if he's worth it - up to and including moving a long, long way away!

I feel like we're worlds apart, not a unit.

Do think your discomfort is about the difference in values about cleanliness and money?

Or do you think it is because you don't feel that your DP has your back where your ILs are concerned?

Do you feel unwelcome around his family? Have they mistreated you in any way?

We've been together a long time (double figures).

I didn't meet his family until 2 years after we met. As I've said to him in the past if I'd have known at the very start what I know now I wouldn't have developed a relationship with him, but surely lots of couples think like that? It's not that he was dishonest it's just that the way he comes across in his day to day life doesn't give away his background and what his family are like. Some of his family are actually great, really nice to me, can't fault them but 3/4 of them are people who I'd happily never lay eyes upon again.

In law problems are hardly rare (from reading mn!) so I don't want this to affect our whole relationship especially since these meet ups aren't very frequent.

I don't really say anything about what I think about these people. But yes I'd expect DP would stick up for them. I don't want to force the issue iykwim.

I hate hate hate to say this but it is a bit of a class issue. I don't make any comments or give 'a look' or do and catsbumface expressions or anything but the manners, habits, routines, minutiae of daily life are so alien to me and not how DP & I live our lives. The complete lack of respect for the dm makes me feel like I've entered into some kind of anti feminist dystopia. It all just makes me feel really uncomfortable and even though I make myself scarce and am always polite I feel like I make them feel a bit uncomfortable too.

I think just writing all this down makes me realise I have to stop trying to square this circle and give up on us all being a big happy family and accept that DP will have a relationship with them separate from me.

I suppose it's not the end of the world.

I kind of understand this. I love DP dearly and his family are actually very nice people and lovely to me. BUT around his family DP regresses to behaving like a bratty teenage boy, expecting his own way all the time, being anti social and playing computer games expecting me to make conversation with his parents etc. His dad also spends money like water, which explains that habit of DPs (mind you they have it to spend) and spends a lot of time sitting down while his mum races around doing stuff.
Fortunately after a strong conversation the 1st time it happened DP seems to revert back to normal as soon as they have left. I have also started pulling him up on bratty behaviour while they are here which they find quite amusing (since they clearly never did it when he actually was a teenager!). Not sure I have any advice, just sympathy!

Is it really so bad that you can't bite your lip and put up with them?
Generally our partners families are a bit like a foreign country - they have different customs, use different words, have a history and culture we don't know about and just do things in a different way. Unless they are actually unpleasant I think you should just try and suck it up. Of course your DP behaves differently with them, he reverts to his role as he was growing up and it's probably totally unconscious but unless he starts talking to you like crap or something again just suck it up!!! You talk about the family quite disparagingly to be honest buttheydont sound awful ( unless there is lots you aren't telling us) just different to you.

I had to ask DH to stop reverting to his childhood persona around his family because as well as treating him like an incompetent child it extended to treating me the same way. My parents treat me (and him) like adults.

Of course it seems his parents were happy with the 'being adult' role they had and it's all gone horribly wrong; after years of us being bullied, and DH slowly coming round to enabling the bullying of me, I've gone NC with the IL's and DH and the DDs are LC.

No real advice, but more a 'watch your back' if you try changing it, from both the IL's and DP. No one likes change if they aren't in control.

I know what you mean a bit. But I think from What you've said it's for opposite reasons. Dhs family are , comparatively to me, rich( though not by mn standards) they are so middle class, as was his childhood- public school, additional extra curricular, skiing, huge detached show home- when we go to their house it's shoes off, sit around the table politely and quietly, don't swear, don't drink, don't laugh too raucously, hold knives in you're right hand only, - theses aren't perfect examples but they are just so posh to me. I didn't know that there was a right way to hold cutlery until I met them, let alone how catsbummouth anyone could feel about it. When dh is with them the differences in our upbringing and the core values we were taught are so glaring, I feel like he couldn't possibly understand me properly or where I come from. I fear he too will start to vote tory and become more like his parents as we get older- it's silly but it genuinely worries me. And I know when we leave their house I'm colder to him for a while, but that stems from my feelings of inadequacy and fears. We walk away from visits to his family with some distance between us, though that's always gone by the next day.

Could you make the time spent with ILs help you to love DP a little bit MORE? After all, the man you met and fell in love with didn't exhibit his 'family' traits, and I assume that when you are together he doesn't treat you in the same way as his dm is treated? What a remarkable man to move on from that. And seeing where in his upbringing, your disagreements stem from could give you both better understanding and perhaps even ways to resolve the issues?

I know that even though I am a grown up, rational adult, when I am in the midst of my own siblings and parents, it is difficult to escape the dynamic that I grew up with, and to avoid behaving in the same pattern as I did when I was young.

I think there are two separate issues:

1. The culture of a different family (as a PP has said, there is little you can do about this - you can't change them and a bit of tolerance and give and take is called for)

1. The way that some people (perhaps especially men?) seem to revert to a child-like state in front of family, which can be deeply uncomfortable and strange to watch when you are their adult partner. I feel like this is half the fault of the DP and half the fault of a dysfunctional dynamic. I do think there are things that can and probably should happen to change this part of the issue.

These are his only holidays as we can't afford to go anywhere together

Do you mean he holidays with his family and you don't holiday together?

Can you not holiday together in the UK?

Well, if he wants to go on holiday to stay at his parents, let him. Even better, do what DP and I do, and both go and housesit for them when they are away on holiday for your own little UK holiday :-) (his parents are nice though).

Different customs - I think you have to just accept those. Every family is different. It's not always about class, just what is accepted and normal in that family. I've had partners whose families are posher than mine, and ones whose families are more 'common' than mine. It makes no difference overall - there's always some differences that seem a bit strange or awkward to me. I'm sure there are things about your family that seem strange to your DP. You just do an inward eye roll and ignore it/join in/avoid stuff. If they are friendly and welcoming to you, appreciate that and don't pre-judge them on their 'class' as these things are superficial. Would I choose to normally socialise with all of these people, no, I wouldn't. So what. They are DPs family and come with the territory.

Child-like state. It can be difficult to be the youngest (I am) and have your parents really accept you are as much of an adult as they are. And to be honest, sometimes it's nice to be looked after a bit.

Behaviour you don't like from your DP? DP sits on his arse with his Dad while his Mum does everything. I don't like that. He isn't like that at any other time. It's not how our household runs. But it is his Mum and Dad's choice how their household runs, it's none of my business, and if I secretly feel sorry for his Mum for being a total mug, that's something I keep hidden. Do I leap about 'being a woman' and waiting on the two men either? No. Because that's not my choice in life. If I get asked to help/offer to help, I drag DP into it as well to the amazement of his Mum and with a guilty blush from DP. Their house, their rules, but you can be a bit of a sneaky subversive if it's something you feel very strongly about.