Worried patronising/controlling mother will be the same.

[Worriedsecondtimer]

Hello all

NC for this.

When I was pregnant with my first I was only 19, mum said some awful things to me and was devastated. She got over it and became excited.

DS's father was at best, useless, and his family weren't remotely interested either.

Anyway, from the moment I gave birth, it seemed that my mum was on a mission to make me feel as useless and worthless as possible. I could not do right for doing wrong.

DS was breast fed, and as he fed more regularly it was constant
'Youre not producing enough milk'
'Hes hungry'
'Hes thirsty'
'Youre depriving him'
'That baby needs hungry baby formula'

My dad even ended up jumping on the band wagon and told me to 'stop being such a fucking martyr and give him a fucking bottle'.

DSs dad was controlling and nasty to me whilst not helping out financially, physically or emotionally with the baby and I tried my hardest to make things work. We eventually broke up.

As I was lonely, I used to go see my parents a lot as I had no one else really, despite all this crap I used to get off them (it wasn't just feeding him, I apparently couldn't dress him nicely, he looked dirty all the time, he wasn't changed enough, I hadn't cleaned his bottom properly, his nappy wasn't changed often enough, his baby wipes are too cold, his face was grubby, it was about time I started weaning, why haven't I starts wearing, take him to the drs, he needs to see a dr, why haven't you taken him to the drs? ect ect'

World war 3 basically exploded as I didn't want him to drink juice as he was fine with water, again, I was told to stop bring such a martyr and they'd give him juice anyway, then when I finally decided to just do it... I was diluting it too much... I wasn't diluting it enough.... That juice has too much sugar... It'll rot his teeth... You shouldn't give him juice ect ect You get the picture.

I used to regularly tell my mother how worthless and shitty she used to make me feel and she used basically had the 'fine I won't help at all then'. It was her way or the high way. Or she's say 'I worry about him' not realising how unbelievably offensive towards me that was. I once outright asked her if she thought I was a bad mum and she couldn't actually reply!

(FWIW I'm actually a damn good mum, I was 20, single, working, running my own household, studying, my son and I adore each other, and he wasn't bloody dirty like she used to make out!)

Fast forward 5 years, I'm engaged, have my own house, have my qualifications, am setting up my own business, 29 weeks pregnant with an amazing DP and his family are also over the moon for us. So an entirely different situation to my first pregnancy.

My mum has backed off entirely, and makes comments about how it'll be more 'MILs baby' than hers. I've just ignored this.

I'm getting anxious in case she starts off again about how to do things with this baby. I feel alot stronger this time and have a better support network and friends with children. I also will have my son from after 3pm and my fiancé coming home to me every night so I won't be going over there all the time. But I just am getting worried about the potential for endless arguments about how crap I supposedly am.

If I try to talk to my mum about how she was in the past she won't have it. She'll tell me to get over it, or that I'm exaggerating ect.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking out of this thread... I kinda just wanted to get it out there.

What would you do in my situation?

I'd like to add that my DS had a wonderful child minder whilst I worked who was more like a mother figure to me (despite us only meeting for DS to be cared for by her) and I used to tell her about everything. She used to say that she just couldn't see where my mum was coming from as I was one of the best and nicest mums she had came across.... As you can imagine, my mum also had nothing nice to say about her either! The DCM was constantly in the firing line of DMs endless criticism!

I think there's a point where you have to determine who's in charge, who constitutes your family, what behaviour is acceptable and what you won't tolerate. 'Boundaries' some people call it. My view has always been that it's my house, my baby, my family.... my rules. Contrary opinions will be heard but not acted on. Bad behaviour won't be entertained. Any hint if bullying will be rejected out of hand.

Be assertive.

Some of my stock phrases for bossy grannies.
'It's my decision'
'The subject is not up for discussion'
'Did you ring me just to be nasty or was there some other reason?'
'Enough's enough. Good bye'
'No..... I won't be doing that'

I wouldn't see her.
If I was feeling really brave I would say that it's because of how she was previously and that you know she will deny it, but that is how you feel.
If you feel you must keep in contact, then I would keep the visits incredibly short and always have other non-toxic people there ready to defend you.

She might be the same but you are different and your circumstances are different. So even if she tries that crap it won't be or feel the same as you'll have your lovely dp and in laws sayin you're doing fab and your lovely little boy helping you.

If she starts then ignore or see her less often.

Just take a line of zero tolerance. 'If there's any more of that you won't see the baby at all.'

End the conversation, you can put the phone or ask her to leave if necessary.

You'll need to be tough from the get go, she'll soon get the message. And if she doesn't, she doesn't get to see you and the baby.

I'm going to have to get tough in that respect, she has no idea of personal space, she regularly just pops over to mine without warning and can't see if the times inconvenient (were eating dinner ect) but I think it's a good idea with the 'my house, my rules, this is how it's done here'. I like that idea though! She will probably respond with her stock 'I'm just saying'

I don't want to NC her without giving her another chance but I won't be afraid to if she continues the same behaviours. It's a shame because our relationship where children aren't involved is really good. I'm going to discuss her with my DP last night and tell him that he needs to be on my side at all times with this!

In that case you could say to her 'in other areas our relationship is good, but in this area I will tolerate no nonsense this time'.

I like this idea. I think at the first hint of unnecessary critisism I'll just say to her 'this is how me and DP are choosing to raise our children. You do not come into this family home and criticise the way we do things. If you can't respect that simple request then you will not see the children, or us'

Will be followed swiftly by her storming our and sulking for days, I'm sure!

"I like this idea. I think at the first hint of unnecessary critisism I'll just say to her 'this is how me and DP are choosing to raise our children. You do not come into this family home and criticise the way we do things. If you can't respect that simple request then you will not see the children, or us'

Will be followed swiftly by her storming our and sulking for days, I'm sure!"

Let her storm out and sulk; this is just another way of her trying to exert control. Do not go after her or contact her if she does that. This is all about power and control really; she wants absolute and this is one way of getting that.

I would ask you how many chances you have already given her. I think she will blow any further chance you give her because she has fundamentally not altered in terms of overall personality. She is not going to change, this is who she is.

She was not a good parent to you and she is likely not a great person in terms of being a grandmother to your children either. These young people need positive role models in their lives, not ones like your mother who disrespect and undermine you as the child's mum at any given opportunity.

Some people really should not have any access to their grandchildren. Your DP needs to fully back you with regards to your mother and follow your lead without question if you do decide to go no contact with her. It is NOT your fault she is this way; her own family did that lot of damage to her.

Your relationship with her is likely good in other areas only because you do and say as she wants and has wanted.

If she comes to yours uninvited and you don't like that, what will you do to stop it?

You don't need to accept her in your home when it's not what you want, any more than you need to accept her undermining your parenting.

And yes - she will tantrum when you set limits. It is inevitable that she will: fear of her reaction is one of the ways she keeps you in check. Let her tantrum, and keep choosing what is right for you and your children.

I was going to mention also this 'good relationship' in other ways - because it sure doesn't sound like it eg you refer to her in roundly negative terms and are talking about going NC with her?

What was your childhood and youth actually like?

Sorry a bit of background, I don't mean to drip feed. If anyone recognises me form this please inbox me. Just before I turned 18 I was diagnosed with a very aggressive and dibilitating form of bone cancer called osteosarcoma. I went from being on the cusp of adulthood to needing my mum to wipe my bum for me again. I think this made me a child permantly in her eyes and why she feels she has so much say over how I am and do. Surgery has left me with severe nerve damage in my leg and I am often unable to walk, which is why I've always had to go back to her as I've needed her help physically, this time would be different as I now have other people who can help me physically

AttilaTheMeerkat- I've given Her hundreds of chances, and mainly because of what I've just written but also because I was lonely and needed to be around people. In other aspects of my life I have never really pandered to her and have always done as I've pleased, I've just never shared that part of my life with Her (she didn't even know I was studying until I passed a few exams!) . I know it's not my fault she's like that! Thank you xx

Goats- I think I'm going to make it very clear that we have a schedule... After school activities, dinner as a family, bath and bed time routines and try making it clear that these are set in stone and can not be interrupted. Will need to arrange in advance visits

Cozie- I wouldn't WANT to go NC with Her, but I feel that me being confident in my ability to parent and looking after my family without wn eagle eye over me is more important than her feelings. It's honestly the last resort to me but I feel I will have to put myself first. My child hood was ok, nothing special! She was INCREDIBLY strict with me and totally non reasonable about things... Such as underage sex... She wouldn't let me go out remotely late or with ffiends and constantly ram down my throat that it is illigal to have sex under the age of 16, with no discussion of how to safely have sex and avoid pregnancy and STD ect. I learned alot about how I do not want to be as a parent from her anyway! Xx

OP, I think you may have solved your own problem. I'm not sure there is actually anything wrong with the situation you have.

Basically, your parents treated you like crap - you reacted and set some limits - and now your life is better and they have backed off. Congratulations! You've managed to reset the boundaries and begin a new and hopefully healthier relationship with your DP. Not many people do that - and certainly not at your age! Yes, there may be some resentment or tension with your DM still, but just keep going as you have been and she will cope.

There is almost never a soap-opera style ending to these situations, where everyone sits down and has a good cathartic chat, agreeing a mutually acceptable version of past events and ending in a group hug. It just doesn't happen. What you need to do is to rebuild practically from here - my advice is to look to the future, and not to worry about the past. You have your confidence, your business, your fiance, and your lovely family. Get on with life and be happy.

OP, could you suggest her that you visit her with kids instead? She could focus more on showing her best self and you'll have some nice opportunities to criticize her. That definitely works with some dm I know.