Post separation slump

[Temporaryanonymity]

I've namechanged for this as I don't wish real life and MN to collide.

I separated from my alcoholic exH a few years ago. He spent the next two years or so in and out of rehab. Initially our split was meant to be temporary; I needed the children to be stable and he was not really safe to be around them. The DCs are now in full time education but back then they were very small.

Just after we separated, a past ex-boyfriend contacted me on Facebook, completely out of the blue. He was also going through some difficult family circumstances (parents, he's single) and we became good friends. Things developed and we spent a lot of time together. Our relationship became physical which I enjoyed after a pretty sexless marriage.

But. I think he just about destroyed all my self-esteem. I've read all the threads on here about emotional abuse and spotted the signs but ignored them. He has also attacked me physically twice and locked me out of our hotel room on a night away.

I finally came to my senses last night when he turned up at my house at 4.30am, drunk. His drinking had been a real bone of contention between us as I recognise the danger signs of alcoholism. I asked him to leave as he was drunk and argumentative. I gave him all his his things and took back my key.

I feel a huge sense of relief. I've wanted him out of my life for some time but have feared all sorts of emotions might have surfaced; grief for a marriage not fully mourned, loneliness and lots more. I was treated for depression post separation but came off the medication around six months ago.

My quandary really is why I stayed with this man for so long, when everyone around me (honestly) was counselling me against it. I look back over my life and just see failed romantic relationships, although I have good friendships in place. I know I get needy and clingy and all these bad things, although oddly only with him.

I don't know why I put up with his bad behaviour for so long and why I was so pathetically grateful for the few nice things that he did.

I have two smashing children and told myself post separation that I wanted to make the most amazing life for them. I really think I've failed.

And yes, I do have low self-esteem. I've put on weight as I can't exercise as much as I'd like (I work full time, no childcare) and I like eating. He has given me a load of stick about that too so I feel like a frump when I'm a size 14/16. The irony is the worse I feel the more I eat!

I'm 40 this year and want to get myself into a better frame of mind. I do want a healthy, happy relationship but not with anyone. I don't really know what my question is, but how do I get there?

I can identify with this, OP, you have been through so much, and it's understandable you clung to this relationship so long. You are not completely in the dark about the reasons, either, you're no fool, you're just human.

Can you turn your attention to making some plans with these lovely friends of yours, a weekend away with all the kids or Easter or May half term? Even if it's just camping or something?? Cut yourself some slack, I am sure your are doing a marvellous job with your kids. When you don't have childcare the winter months are awful. Hugs to you from over here.

Thank you, handywoman. Since I posted this he has sent me some horrible messages so I've blocked him. I really struggled to do that. His drinking is really bad and I find myself doing the whole "save him" thing when the sane thing to do is to walk away, as I did with my exH, eventually.

This thread is useful to me because as I am typing I remembering all the really horrid things he did. He brought out the worst in me too.

Planning a break over Easter is a great idea. The DCs and I had a wonderful time today rock climbing and walking in the sun. More if that would be great. Unfortunately they are away for half term without me so I shall have to plan lots of things to keep me busy.

I know I will be thinking of him a lot. I hate myself for it because he isn't worth an iota of my energy and I can almost hear the combined forces of mn screaming at me!

I went out yesterday with a family we know and it was nice. Normal, happy couple with lovely children. I want to be part of a nice couple and not feel ashamed of my partner. You spend a lot of time being ashamed with am alcoholic and I'm gutted I ended up with two. That's careless, surely?

I'm feeling far more positive this morning. Reading this back has been really helpful. I've been a complete idiot in putting up with his behaviour.

Stop beating yourself up. You didn't make them alcoholics, you tried to help them. Could you get more exercise with your children? Biking? Walking? Getting out and about will be good for you.

I can relate to this too, Temp. I re-united with an old boyfriend shortly after separating from ex-h, and it ended in disaster - but looking back (two years on) I can be a lot kinder to myself. At the time I thought "Why am I so stupid, what did I get involved with him for?" but now I can see it was natural, it was human - we had some really enjoyable times and it was a distraction from the divorce.

Time passes, life moves on... sometimes more slowly than we'd like... but after a few grim months I started to realize I was enjoying bits of life again and things have just got better.

Hang in there, things will get better. I know that's not much consolation now, but they will...

Sending you hugs x

Wow, Katy, that is really similar. My exH has moved on and has a new relationship. She's lovely. Which makes me feel all the more inadequate!

On good, positive days I do plan stuff to do. It's just the everyday grind I suppose of working, school runs and making it all work on my own. Of course I know it's much easier to do it alone that with men like the ones I have had relationships with. I guess I worry about my ability to forge decent ones.

I suspect my plan should be to focus on me, my DCs and my friends without looking for a romantic endangerment.