Feeling let down by friends. Am I being over sensitive?

[Angelfood]

Going through a bad time at the moment as probably about to separate from DH and DM very ill, probably not going to be around much longer.

I have one group of friends I have been confiding in but recently they all seem to be distancing themselves from me. They regularly arrange holidays together but exclude me from invites. We used to regularly stay at each other's houses during school holidays and new year etc but recently they have been leaving me out of invites. The last time I was invited the host cancelled me the day before saying she was too busy with work but I found out that the rest of the group still went.

Not sure how to deal with this. They all seem friendly on the occasions we do meet but are they just sick of hearing me moan about my problems? Should I just stay away from them and accept we are just not friends anymore? Feeling so down and friendless at the moment it is only the DCs that stop me checking out altogether.

I understand your situation but wondering if you have got into a habit of onloading to them instead of seeing them.and having some fun
.i am only asking from experience and noticing people are doing the same to me so even though life has been dragging me down i have tried to show more of an interest to others despite offloading too.

Oh dear. It does sound like a message is being given slightly. I always find best way to deal with things is head on. If it was me I'd arrange coffee with whichever one you're closest to and ask them to tell you straight if you've been putting them on a bit of a downer and being left out because of it

Oh dear. Sounds as if things are quite grim in your life atm.

When I was going through a similar patch, it occurred to me that I couldn't expect friends to constantly listen/advise - my issues were large, deeply painful, ongoing and not easily fixable. They dominated my thoughts, and probably my conversation.

I began seeing a therapist to talk about things. I could off-load all I wanted, could get an objective perspective, could get professional guidance, slowly began to work my way through my upset feelings, and basically stopped burdening my friends with problems that were too complex, ongoing and upsetting for them to listen to.

Maybe you can get some professional help too? That way, you will feel you are being listened to/helped, and will eventually make progress. And when you do see your friends, while you may not be the life of the party, you also won't be a giant dark cloud either.

It is good to confide in friends about what is going on in your life. But when your problems threaten to overwhelm the relationship, it is time to seek professional help. IMO.

It does sound as though they're feeling a bit swamped with your problems, OP, but since they've still been friendly on the occasions you've seen them it would be worth giving it another try to get things back on course. I'd be inclined to phone whichever of them I felt closest to and admit that I've been guilty of offloading too much. I'd ask if we could meet up and if she would let me bring her up to date with what's going on in my life for a maximum of half an hour I'd promise to spend the rest of the time not dwelling on the bad stuff, because I really miss the fun aspects of our friendship. It could go one of two ways, but may be the way back into the friendship group.

I'm sorry but if they're your friends, and you're going through a difficult time and tell them how you feel, they should be there for you, to support you and contain you. I don't understand why you should be making excuses for them, and make yourself feel you're in the wrong.

I read a lot of advice these days about refraining from complaining or talking about negative stuff to your friends. Well, that is what friends are for after all. How shallow - and mean- you have to be to stop being friends with someone because they are not there to brighten your day.

Friendship is about honesty and companionship, and if someone is sad or depressed about recent events in life, the least a good friend can do is listen, and try to understand, not run away because you are being a "downer". What is that? Some happy Facebook idea of life where we have to be happy and upbeat 24/7, or otherwise we're not worth the friendship?

OP, you are going through a hard time, and these people should be there for you. If they are dumping you at this time when you really need them, they are not good friends. Keep your distance, and don't seek their company. Start by detaching yourself little by little. They are not nice people and it's their loss at the end of the day.

I agree with Autumnleaves. I've had friends that have gone through a hard time and I've listened to them talk because that's what you do for someone you love, even if it is a bit of a downer. I went through a hard time for a while and was left high and dry by people I thought were friends - they weren't. I'm in a better place now and more fun to be around again and am very grateful for the many other lovely friends I have that saw me through it.

I hope you find some support, sounds like you're having such a tough time and need some kindness

Yes, Alma. I think going through a tough time in life is a real friend filter. Those who are good friends will stay, no matter what. Those who are rubbish friends will disappear. I guess that is why so many people prefer keeping themselves to themselves and not share their problems with so called "friends". They might have to come face to face with the harsh reality that good friends are really few, and very hard to find. Better never find out and keep the good times rolling, eh?

You aren't being over sensitive, they are behaving terribly and very callously. Even if you are offloading onto them a lot at the moment, good friends understand and want to support each other. The host cancelling on you but not everyone else is especially heartless.

It's up to you whether you want to pursue the friendships any more, I personally would rather be without them than to feel they can't be relied upon when you need them most. So sorry that they are letting you down at a time like this.

Thanks all for advice.

I'm really confused by their actions as at first they were very sympathetic - the friend who cancelled last minute said I should come to stay any time to talk. But now it is all vague promises to meet "sometime" while they are all meeting regularly without me being included. Did I just exhaust their patience?

I have other very long term friends who have seen me through other bad times and are being great at the moment. I see a lot of them and we meet regularly. Perhaps I should just stick with them and quietly withdraw from the other group of friends?

It's a shame, we had some good times but I think I deserve better.

I think friends find it difficult when they hear the same thing over & over ie offloading rather than actually seeking/listening to advice (which is never heeded). Often there is nothing anyone else can do - the person with the problem comes to a point where they are in a position to act or whatever is required...

My friends & I have done a lot of this (mostly) 're men problems but the important thing is that over time it is reciprocated in most cases...it's still difficult to listen to the nth time someone tries to justify/explain/interpret 'his' behaviour till coming to the point where it's accepted yr never going to know why but it doesn't matter any more...

So maybe you won't get chance to repay the favour with these friends but you still have other good friends so perhaps best to let it go...

Not sure what I can actually do about DM dying, it's just something that "is". I would never get "bored" with a friend offloading their feelings about that, but maybe I am unreasonable to expect that in return ...

Re possible break up, I'm trying to work out a plan of action in a complicated situation while making sure DCs are looked after. I just can't do all that overnight. Maybe I should just ring Samaritans. Can't afford private counselling.

Maybe the change about is because I maybe longer be a part of a couple and so don't fit into the group in the same way?

So sorry to hear what you are going through

Think you don't need these fairweather friends to be honest, especially if you have other friends who are supporting you.

If you were getting them down, a gentle word to that effect would have been much kinder than avoidance. You would then have been able to adjust if possible, fade away a bit if not.

I do agree with PP that a therapist/counsellor can be a great way to clear your head in hard times. If for no other reason than you see them regularly at the same time each week. Then it becomes possible to save all your heavy thoughts for e.g. the day before, then write them down and talk to counsellor next day, leaving you with some relief for at least a few days, then it is time to write them down again etc. This advice is to make it easier for you, not your "friends".

The good thing about hard times is that it does sort the wheat from the chaff. A couple of people I thought were good friends were conspicuously too busy to see me after my mum died. They were not a loss.

There is a place in life for casual shallow type acquantainceship friendships for fun only. That type of person would never lean on you and it is usually quite clear who they are from how they are. It's fine.

Or the kind of friend whose response to a break up is to take you on a night out to cheer you up/get drunk/go dancing/meet someone new, but who doesn't feel too great about talking it over with you/being a shoulder to cry on. That's fine, it's ok for friends to choose how to be emotionally supportive in a way that best suits their own personality. But that type of person would say something like "right, let's stop moping about here, get your glad rags on we're going out on the town on Saturday night". Also the person who might cook you a meal, do some shopping for you, help you view a house if you need to move. Some people prefer to give practical support than emotional, they might be better at that or think that you need that more.

So, as long as it doesn't leave you totally isolated, view how these people are acting as a way to make space for more important things in your life.

Anyway, take care of yourself and don't waste any thought or anguish on these people.

Have emailed the friend who cancelled me last minute. Basically have said sorry if I have pissed her of with my neediness and haven't been pulling my weight in friendship. Asked if she wants to meet up sometime. Left ball in her court. If I don't get a reply then I will at least know where I stand and will just withdraw from friendship

OP, I think you sound lovely. I think you probably have a higher and more noble sense of friendship than your friends do! I also think that some people live kind of charmed lives, where they've never really experienced anything going wrong, and they simply don't have the empathetic tools to understand how it feels for someone who is really struggling. Any friend who sees someone talking about their DM dying as an encumberance is, quite frankly, a horrible person.

I would chalk this up to a lesson that they're simply not that deep or kind as people - you can still see them, of course, but do so with your eyes open rather than mistaking what they have to offer for real friendship in future.

I second what PPs have said about therapy being helpful. I am sending you and good thoughts.

Thanks holly

Had a good chat with another close friend today, he's like the brother I never had. He always has time for me, really lifted my mood.

Beginning to think some friendships are just too one-sided.