Any practical advise on emotionally detaching?

[TooGoodyTwoShoes]

I posted a few days ago about the shit way in which my OH talks to me. He basically flies off the handle about the slightest thing and then carries on the bad feeling for DAYS.

Last night was awful. We sat down at the end of the day to watch TV, everything was fine. Now I've established that ANY topic to do with his kids is outright banned (ridiculously) but he seemed in a good mood and so I dropped the bombshell ....

"Are your lads coming next friday night for DS's birthday? just that I'll taylor the size of the cake etc to how many people will be here."

You might be thinking "where is the bombshell?" well according to DP this was an AWFUL, DISGUSTING comment from me, how fucking ridiculous to become OBSESSED over whether they come or not and how fucking OBVIOUS it is that I knew this was a STUPID thing to say.

Baffled? yeah me too. But I'm getting used to it.

So I tried to walk carefully through the minefield and said "you know what, I didn't say or do anything wrong there and I'm not arguing with you about it so that's all I have to say on the matter." He shut up. I assumed that was the end of it.

Now, we've not seen each other much all week due to work commitments so I was looking forward to a cuddle and movie on the sofa. He sat at the opposite end and put the movie on. I said "Can we have a cuddle?" and he replied "nah I don't feel like it yet, Illl let you know when I'm ready." ??!! So I bit the bait unfortunately and said "why are you being so off with me??" he replied "well, you're obviously in a mood and not wanting to hug so I'll keep my distance." . I replied "I've just asked you for a hug ... " and he replied "yes but you don't want it really. I'm not in the mood for it now either, you've been busting my balls for no reason and now I don't feel like hugging you." Getting drawn into it I asked "how have I??? I've not said anything!" so he brought up the comment about the birthday cake and decided that THAT was the moment I had started arguining with him.

To cut a long story short, I ended up crying. He began mocking my voice when I asked what I'd done wrong. I said over and over again "lets not argue, lets just make up" and he replied "nah don't feel like it, i'll be off with you now for as long as I see fit."

Oh and so not to drip feed, my mum had been in hospital to remove a cancerous tumour from her face hours earlier and I had just got off the phone with her.

I can't move out yet (just trust me, I can't) so how do I start to emotionally detach? I get annoyed with myself because I end up caving and longing for his attention. I know I'm weak, he just confuses me because he'll start being so nice all of a sudden and I see that man I fell in love with and then once I'm in - boom ... the arsehole is back.

Making plans to move out should help.

Yy to pp. mentally making plans even, they can sense when you stop caring so much about appeasing them then they switch back to nice.

I finally recognised that I was in a abusive relationship (partly thanks to this board) and prepared myself to end it by reading all of the links posted on here and doing the recommended reading.

I'm still doing that, two years on and am now going to do the "Freedom Programme".

I couldn't of just done it, alone and I'm still doing it, I stupidly carried on communicating with my ex because I enjoyed him bring nice to me and wanting sex etc.

He'd been abusive in all ways, but the verbal and emotional side was the most destroying, he played games similar to your P.

Just to add, I also planned a life, that would be free from bullshit, whilst with him, it helped me to realise how bad he was.

I'm now starting personal goal setting again, which I hadn't realised I'd stopped.

I already fantasize about the life I could have. I earn my own money anyway but to actually have 100% control over it would be amazing. To not have someone constantly whining about what my kids have done now and to be able to parent them in the way I choose without him judging me and criticizing. To be able to spend my weekends just relaxing instead of having to tip toe around my own house because his 20 year old son still insists on "access weekend" and DP insists on treating him like a 7 year old who can't fend for himself. (The lad lies in bed on sunday morning whilst DP runs bacon sandwiches up to his room etc, fucking ridiculous but god forbid I say anything).

Get male attention from elsewhere by going out with friends or join a chat or dating site.

Read the stuff and work out why you want cuddles/affection from him, there should be light bulb moments.

You've posted a lot about him, haven't you?

It needs to end as soon as possible.

I didn't live with my ex, but the pressure that was lifted wax amazing, it took me a while to realise I was back in control of my days.

Use all the recommended reading to get you through, afterwards, as well as now.

Sadly if you wait for all the conditions to be right you'll still be posting about how you can emotionally detach from this person 10 years from now. Reason being that the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the lower your confidence will sink making it even harder to summon up the courage to break free.

That is bloody awful and makes me feel unhappy so god knows what it's like living it, get out, detach for good or else you will keep going round in circles, him being nice then dropping the bombshell.........time to call it a day.