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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Torn about leaving my disabled spouse

22 replies

Seekingpeace · 08/02/2015 15:46

Hello Mums,

I am hoping the collective wisdom of you ladies will help.
I have been married to my spouse for 6 years. During our marriage he has been diagnosed with chronic pain syndrome and fibromyalgia. He has a history of depression and anxiety. For the last several years, he has not held a job due to physical and emotional disability. He does take care of our 11 mo DD during the day while I work, but does nothing else that would be expected of a husband. I work 60 hours/week, take care of DD in the evenings and weekends, grocery shop, pay bills, cook and clean. He is also a collector/hoarder, which has severely impacted our smallish living space.

In addition to his physical impairment, he suffers from uncontrolled depression, anxiety and anger (which manifests when I am around). He will often not shower/brush his teeth for weeks at a time, sex is non-existent for several reasons. Anytime something happens to upset his very delicate equilbirium (and I mean anything), he will either start espousing suicidal ideation, get angry or find a way to make it my fault. I can only bring up my concerns when he is a 'okay' mood and if I use the correct tone and language. He adamantly refuses to get help. The ONLY thing we do together is watch TV and go to counseling. Nothing else.

Frankly ladies, I am tapped out. I have heard of caretaker compassion fatigue and I think I have it. I just feel numb. He wants love, compassion and care...but I try to give what I would to a stranger, and that is a struggle. We don't have any support where we are living.

I am seeing a therapist myself who is helping me work through the idea of leaving him (and ending the depend relationship /caretaker role that is present)

His only saving grace is that he really does take good care of our girl...but I am afraid of what will happen when she starts walking and talking...and turns into a 2 year old.

Ive tried to honor my vows to him (better, worse, etc)...but worse is here and there is no hope of anything getting any better.

Im sorry if this was a bit rambling. Any and all thoughts are appreciated.

OP posts:

overthemill · 08/02/2015 15:49

I sympathise. I left my ex DH who had a severe mental health problem. The only way I could do it was wait for one of his frequent hospital admissions then serve him with divorce papers while he was in. It was horrible but I was dying. Literally, he tried to kill me, he set fire to our house, he trashed our house. Me or him and I think that's where you are now.

Joysmum · 08/02/2015 15:51

Tbh this'll sound harsh but to me, the fact he's disabled doesn't change my thoughts. If you're not happy and don't think you ever could be in the marriage then don't waste your life.

Peacocklady · 08/02/2015 15:58

Don't be hard on yourself. Despite your efforts it sounds like you don't make him happy anyway and he can look after himself physically.

AMumInScotland · 08/02/2015 16:03

I think the important thing to me in what you say is that he is not prepared to take any responsibility for improving the situation. So either he thinks he's ok, when he clearly isn't, or else he thinks it's fine to make it all your problem and expect to be 'looked after'.

I sympathise that depression makes it difficult to take action, but if he has been like this for years then he needs to change, or you need to tell him you can't go on like this. You can only give so much of yourself to another person - if they are doing what they can to help themself, then of course you go the extra mile. But if not, you reach your limits.

Your vows are important, but so are his. You can carry another person through the 'for worse' bits for a while, if you are the stronger one, but that can't be all one way year after year.

And I think you're right to worry whether he'll be capable of taking care of a toddler, or preschooler, or older child. How soon before he expects her to use exactly the right words and tone, to walk on eggshells around him because his needs are his priority?

gamerchick · 08/02/2015 16:05

You've done enough. It's so hard to care for somebody extremely mentally unwell.. add living and kids into the mix and it frys your brain and that's with them engaging in getting help. Doing it through a dark tunnel with no end in sight could make you really poorly yourself.

It's time.. you can't save him if he doesn't want to save himself and he doesn't have the right to expect it from you.

Hoppinggreen · 08/02/2015 16:09

Give had Some wise words already OP but I would add YOU have a choice here but your child doesn't.
Your DH can only get better if he helps himself but it looks like he won't.mif he goes down please don't let him take you and your child with him.

ImperialBlether · 08/02/2015 16:10

I'm not surprised you're not having sex with him. I wouldn't be, either!

I think you need to leave, for your own sake (so you stay sane), for your daughter's sake (so that she develops good mental health and isn't afraid to be herself) and for his sake, too. He needs to see help for his mental health; it is bullying of the worst kind to expect you to put up with anything he throws at you whilst refusing to do the slightest thing (eg cleaning teeth) in reciprocation.

You must be under incredible stress.

alphabook · 08/02/2015 16:22

I agree with AMum that the key thing here is the fact that he is not willing to get help. If there was light at the end of the tunnel then maybe you could carry on, but he has to take responsibility for his own physical and mental health. And mental illness isn't an excuse for emotionally abusing you.

They say that in a plane crash you have to fit your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else, and the same applies here. You have to look after yourself first.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2015 16:35

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships here, surely not this abusive role model of one. This is not a tenable situation for any of you.

She may well be just 11 months old but she is learning about all sorts of things from the two of you every day. What is she seeing here?.

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. She will NOT thank you for staying with someone like her dad if you were to choose to, instead she could well ask you why you put him before her.

Twinklestein · 08/02/2015 16:42

He's not taking any responsibility for his condition and making it all your issue. It's not actually possible to carry another adult, as you have found out.

You leaving may be the best thing for him because it will force him to confront his problems and find solutions rather than rely on you to do everything for him. And if it doesn't, and he chooses to sit on benefits hoarding plies of junk, there's nothing you can do to help him.

Plenty of sick and disabled people manage to live full lives within their limits.

I'm speaking from the perspective of having been diagnosed with MS when I was a teen, then it was decided it was ME/CFS, and then the doctors realised it was a rare autoimmune disorder of which Fibromyalgia was an element. I also had PTSD. I recovered from all of it because I was committed to finding the right treatments on all fronts.

The depression, anxiety and hoarding are a separate issue from the FM and he should be proactive in finding treatment, but he's not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2015 16:46

"You leaving may be the best thing for him because it will force him to confront his problems and find solutions rather than rely on you to do everything for him. And if it doesn't, and he chooses to sit on benefits hoarding plies of junk, there's nothing you can do to help him".

Exactly Twinklestein. It may appear harsh but it is true.

You have indeed learnt that you cannot act as a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship. You cannot ultimately help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

specialsubject · 08/02/2015 16:49

his illness his not his fault - but the refusal to accept help IS.

I can't see any alternative for you. I wish all three of you the best.

StrikeoutFail · 08/02/2015 16:57

It is a shame that you didn't access support as a family earlier. It sounds like you are done now. How are you going to move things along?

Nextwednesday · 08/02/2015 17:16

If he is in no fit state to work and suffers from 'uncontrolled anxiety, depression and anger' and discusses suicide, how on earth can you trust him to look after your young child for 60 hours a week? That is a real worry and for that reason alone, I think you and your dd should leave him.

Rowgtfc72 · 08/02/2015 17:23

I left my ex husband for much the same. Its compassion fatigue, you reach the point where you know nothing will change unless he changes,then you realise he never will.
We stayed good friends for the two years before he died which we never would have done if we had stayed married.
We didn't have children,but I can sympathise with the situation you're in.

juneau · 08/02/2015 17:27

If he refuses to get help and you can see no end to this grinding existence with him, then yes I would leave too. You married him to presumably be in a partnership, but you're just his care-giver so this not a marriage - its a one-way street where you give and he takes.

Earlybird · 08/02/2015 17:38

So, you are attending counseling as a couple, and also you are seeing a therapist on your own?

Tell us more about the couple counseling - how long/how frequently, what has come to light, what the counselor says, what you are working on together, what he has agreed to work on/seek help for on his own.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/02/2015 18:04

Leaving you aside, how do you think it will affect your daughter growing up with him?

StAndrewsDay · 08/02/2015 18:10

And you leave this man alone to care for an 11 month old baby?

Apart from the fact that he is supposedly too physically incapacitated to work, he doesn't sound terribly mentally or emotionally stable either. In fact from what you've said I'm wondering how you even managed to conceive a child with him.

After all you've said I am quite disturbed at the idea of him caring full time for a small child. I really think this has to stop immediately.

StrikeoutFail · 08/02/2015 19:08

If it was a SAHM with a disability and one would you say the same to Dad?

I am sure it would be a case of offering support to the family.

I do think op has come to the end now. If I were her I would get a support package request in place for when she leaves. Sort a nurse fit the baby and move out. I suggest leave as I assume the home has been adapted?

It is a shame this family didn't get support sooner.

StrikeoutFail · 08/02/2015 19:09

PND

strawberrysalsa · 08/02/2015 19:11

My adult daughter lives at home because she has a chronic condition that leaves her disabled and her health is deteriorating. She is pain pretty much all the time and has all the issues you would expect of an intelligent adult having to live at home and have your mum care for you...to the extent of dressing and undressing.

In spite of this she is...mostly...polite and does realise its not easy for anyone looking after her. Your husband sounds just plain rude and unpleasant, if you wouldn't stay if he was fit and well don't stay because he needs a carer.

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