crap, I'm a cocklodger. Please help.

[ZeldaMae]

Long story short, I am a female cocklodger. Contribute nothing to the family, have made some REALLY bad decisions (house purchase), I regret, don't (can't due to visa constraints) work OR deal with DCs commitments, no social life, DH does it all.

Obviously this is awful and if DH was posting you'd all be telling him, quite rightly, to LTB.

I don't want him to LTB!

So far I have thought of:

• learn to drive/pass test so I can take DCs to their activities.

• tidy the bloody house so we can have people over.

• stop drinking. I am using it to 'check out' of life.

• see a doctor (difficult and expensive but necessary), look into therapy? Being this lazy can't be normal. Have been on ADs before but always used them as an excuse not to do stuff not a tool to improve.

• what else?? I don't want to make some huge dramatic statement to DH/DCs and then carry-on being as useless as I've always been. If you have or had a cocklodger in your life, what can/should I do on a daily basis while these things which are not instant are worked on?

The things you've suggested would be a good start. You must have some good qualities, or else you DH wouldn't still be there, so don't be too harsh on yourself.

Why are you checking out of life?

Is the work situation permanent? Could you get a visa in your own right rather than as a dependent ? Volunteering might be an option if paid work isn't. Yes doing those might be a start. Are you in UK? If so seeing a gp would not be expensive.

Are you really a cocklodger or are you depressed?

Cocklodgers don't worry that they are being cocklodgers. They feel entitled to it.
You are trying to contribute, just finding it difficult.

I'd second seeking help, as you could be depressed (or close to it).

Maybe try to make a medium term plan and a daily plan so that you see tasks in manageable chunks and feel some sense of achievement?
Also exercise, eat well, and get out.

A cocklodger is someone in a relationship purely to get their needs met without contributing anything.

If you love and support your DH you don't fit the definition.

But yes, getting your backside in gear to improve your life will be great for both of you.

Pick something achievable you can start with and work up. Ask DH what you can do to most help that is achievable now.

So much of our lives reflect the story we tell ourselves.

Meditation is great (lots of online resources e.g. francticworld) to "hear" the story you tell yourself e.g. I'm lazy, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve better, why bother.

Then you can choose what script you want to listen to e.g. the house didnt get untidy in one day, I'll fix it day-by-day. I deserve a nice home. Today I will find the phone numbers of 3 driving instructors. Tomorrow I will phone them (and so on).

Set a goal, just one, and go for it. Flylady used to be great for helping with housework. Just do 15 minutes. Then stop.

You clearly want to change as you've posted here- now you have to choose to believe that you can do it. Slowly but it'll happen if you keep chugging.

Not in the UK.

I think I am clearly not mentally normal but I never have been - have tried ADs and counselling but it hasn't magically made me have any drive or initiative. I'm not sure anything can give me that (except me).

I'm wary of asking DH where I should start as he's heard it so many times before and it's come to nothing.

But why ask your DH? Ask yourself.

If you had a magic wand and could have your own perfect life (i.e. with your DC & DH) what would it look like. Then start aiming for that.

If you can't what is it that says you dont deserve it?

How about tidying a very small area of the house - a kitchen drawer perhaps? That will give you some satisfaction and show you can acheive something. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm a great believer in keeping busy. The less i do the less i want to do. Some ideas of the top of my head.

Walk everyday. (i find doing it early is a great start to the day)
Schedule housework everyday - 15/30 mins whatever.
Voluntary work.
Yes Yes Yes to driving test.
Yes yes yes yes to stop drinking.
Organise a bbq/dinner for friends/aquaintences/dp work colleagues - a great motivator to get stuff done.

My fave quote goes something like ' i waited years for someone wonderful to come along and change my life - it never crossed my mind that that person would be me' (i know quotes don't work for everyone but this one struck deeply with me.)

Do you have a cleaner?

I got one almost a year ago (when I was feeling poorly) and it has helped me tidy up the place and keep it tidy.

She only comes every other week, but I do get off my backside when she comes around.