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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm running from what I hate to what I think is love but it isn't!

10 replies

weedinthepool · 08/02/2015 12:50

This weekend I have spent 48 hours with my abusive stbxh and my dc's and it has been lovely. I am in the 'loving stage' of grooming/abusive relationship. I recognise that. I am 8 days into NC from my toxic relationship with my parents and have last week saw the police and rape crisis re historical sexual abuse. I had a thread on here about it. Things are horrendous. H has been supportive & loving & has been feeding me & letting me sleep & we have been a family again. He was concerned for me on Fri night (I was suicidal) & I allowed him to whisk me into the family fold. I am a complete and utter fuck up. Please tell me how stupid I am.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 08/02/2015 12:53

Oh honey, you know this is all part of the mind fuck manipulation. This isn't the real him.

Finola1step · 08/02/2015 12:56

Is there anyone else in rl you can lean on?

Original poster
weedinthepool · 08/02/2015 12:56

I had no where else to turn, or else it felt like that. I was really scared I was going to kill myself. I don't want to do that to my dc's so I had to turn to him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2015 13:10

Breaking free from an abusive relationship is very difficult indeed. The level of psychological control can be very powerful. If you don't succeed the first time, don't write yourself off as a failure. You seem to have had a few big decisions going on at once - detaching from parents can be quite traumatic - so perhaps this was a bridge too far on this occasion? Once you feel a little stronger, try again. Next time however, get support around you first. Women's Aid, doctor, friends, etc. You'll get there

Original poster
weedinthepool · 08/02/2015 18:37

The stupid thing is cog I've got all that in place. I have my own house now, have got a domestic abuse counsellor. Everyone knows why I left and I have all finances, contact etc sorted. But going back to our lovely marital home, sleeping in our bed, talking about doing up the house if we got back together, taking the kids out and doing family stuff...really really lovely. But not real life. I'll get the wheels back on tomorrow. I just needed a bit of my old normal back. H knows it was just an emotional breakdown thing. I hope.

OP posts:
AmantesSuntAmentes · 08/02/2015 18:51

It's normal, to seek solace in the arms of an abuser. For all their negatives, they are sometimes the one constant and therefore the 'rock' but because of their negatives, that sense of comfort and sense of safety is an illusion. It is an understandable illusion though and you are far from stupid. Look at it this way, you knew you were at risk, you made yourself safe. Maybe for the first time, you used him to your advantage, rather than the other way around? If so, good for you. Now, you're OK, you're safe and there is nothing stopping you from getting back on with your new, real life, is there?

It's so hard, having no-one and even harder, to have no-one but them but one day, the reaslisation that they are no-one too, becomes true and permanent and freedom becomes desirable and not scary Smile

You can do this Flowers

Quitelikely · 08/02/2015 18:54

It might be nice right now but you must must know deep down it's all an act from him. He raped you. He had you on eggshells.

Of course he's being nice right now and you know that being nice is part of the cycle to reel you back in.

Please please do not give up your house.

If you are going to see him at least keep your other house.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 08/02/2015 19:34

Yes it is an act. Of course it is. Yes he's all reasonable and caring now but he has to be. Plus I am the mother of his children and he knows how precarious I am.

I'm not going to give up my house and start seeing him quite I have 3 trips abroad booked and if I go back to him properly they will be gone. I am focussing on them. They are only short breaks in Europe but they mean so much to me. They feel like little victories, I was always a solo traveller and loved it so I'm going to do it again & see what it feels like to get back a bit of myself. I wanted a pasting on here but you gave all been so kind Flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
weedinthepool · 08/02/2015 19:35

*have

OP posts:
SilverFishFly · 09/02/2015 02:57

My heart is with you. I know how you are feeling. The comfort of the known. And no matter how many times you tell yourself "its not real" or "there's no future" still the heart longs. It takes time to see the trueth, just don't give up your house/finances, because he will go back to being the shit he was. They always do. Don't be to hard on yourself.

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