DDs meeting new partner

[Ships99]

I've been separated from my STBXH a year. I've been dating my new DP for four months. We get on really well and things are looking up for the future. I see him when the DDs are with their Dad. My DDs know about my new friend (they asked before Christmas do I have a boyfriend) and they ask about him now.
We were going out for tea last night and I texted DP to see if he fancied coming out with me and the DDs (it's his favourite restaurant) but he said he needed more time before he meets them. He's been keen to meet them before when we discussed it.
I feel very protective about my DDs and felt a little sad when he said he didn't want to come out for tea. How ridiculous? I'm planning to not try the introducing line for a long while now and feel a little stupid for inviting him yesterday. Just wanted to vent on here really. Any advice for people who've done this before??

You'll have to get to the bottom of what 'needing more time' means. If your DDs know he exists as a boyfriend, if you've judged it's OK to introduce them in person and if all you were suggesting was a simple meal out, what line does he think he is crossing? Personally, I would think that he wasn't as keen about the future as he's been cracking on.

You have only been dating for four months (already calling him a DP??? [hmm)
You should be getting on well after only four months
He told you why he didn't want to come out which I think is perfectly reasonable.
You wanted to 'vent' about it??? Really?
Have a adult conversation about it at a later date.
He may well want to meet your kids but you probably put him on the spot with that text.

With all due respect, slow down!

Best you had a chat beforehand instead just inviting him along, I would most likely reacted the same way as him if roles were reversed.

I don't think I would do family meals, days outs till 6 months in.

As a single mum currently dating, I understand how hard it is to work out what is right or wrong. I think you need go by your own gut a lot of the time.

4 months is really quick. You need to plan it too, not just spring it in him.

Don't forget its a big thing for him too - you only get one chance to make a first impression and he will obviously want everyone to like him. I agree with pps, slow it down and keep it relaxed/informal. The restaurant thing may have been too much too soon for him?

He sounds sensible, four months is way too soon for introductions or to be calling him a DP.

I didn't realise DP isn't the correct term :/ I thought it was. Should I be saying BF on here then?

I thought DP was just a mumsnet way of describing your BF? .. I think it's neither too soon or not quick enough. Only you can judge because they are YOUR children and they already are aware he exists, however, from his pov it may have been a bit full on.

Talk to him, it's the only way you'll know

How am I a writer? That response was diabolical.

I agree that 4 months is quite early and it's probably a good idea to talk about it and plan in advance. But I can also understand that it must've felt a little deflating and disappointing when you just made a nice spontaneous suggestion. I wouldn't take it to heart and hope you're feeling better.

P.S. Usually on here DP means a serious long term relationship/shared finances/shared life/live together/possibly have kids etc. Basically a married couple except not legally.

Thanks hotcup... That explains the DP responses I got :/ lol

As a single mum I've always said I would wait at least 6 months beige introducing the dc to a new bf. However my bf im with now.. We've been together 4 months and not only have I met both his dc, he's met mine and we have had some days with all the dc together.
What I'm trying to say is, I've never wanted to introduce someone to my dc before, but with this bf it felt fine to let him meet them and me his. We only planned it the day before, for them to meet on neutral ground somewhere fun.
If you'd talked about it previously I don't know why he's had an issue.
Maybe as another poster said its because he's not as keen to meet them as he's said.
Does he have any dc?

Hi OP, I have been in your shoes and I think only you and BF/DP can judge when the time is right to introduce them to each other.

I do think you rather sprung it on him at the last minute, rather than deciding between you beforehand where and when it would happen though. I suspect he will be nervous about it!!

I don't know how old your DC are, but mine were 5 & 8 when we met up at the park one afternoon to play for an hour. It lasted a little longer as we decided to get a drink/snack at the nearby cafe as it went very well. Keep it relaxed, make the time flexible, maybe pick somewhere the kids are familiar with so they are comfortable with the surroundings is my advice.

I had only been seeing BF/DP a couple of months when they were introduced as my hand was forced by ex telling DCs I had a BF. DCs then wanted to know about him and meet him, but spoke on the phone and Skype briefly first. BF/DP was very nervous about it because a) DCs might not like him and b) he might not like them!! (Very little experience of kids and still thinks he is useless at it, he's not at all!)

Just talk to him, (maybe apologise for springing it on him??) and take it from there but make it a joint decision about when, how and where it will happen. Good luck!

DP is fine, you're adults, he's not a boy, so BF sounds daft! I call my DP that on here as I feel like a twat calling him my BF. Yes you could refer to him as 'the man I've been seeing for 4 months' but wtf is the point of abbreviations if we're not allowed to use them!

Anyway, to the subject in hand, I also introduced my DP to the DCs quite quickly according to MN 'rules' as I thought it was important to find out if they all got on ok. It happened spontaneously, as you have tried to do here, and it felt natural and not forced in any way, not some big "oooh you're going to meet someone very special" - just "we're going to the cinema, do you want to come along?"

If I had become very attached to DP and then our kids had met and hated us or each other, it would have been a deal breaker. Not much point in investing a year in a relationship, only to have to finish it because the other important people in your lives don't get on.

Compatibility issues are the main reason step-families break up, so what's the point in waiting until the two of you are certain about your future together, only to find that it's not going to be as simple as that if your DCs hate him?!

How long you've been dating isn't as important to DCs as how comfortable they are with the situation.

Whenever you're ALL ready is the right time. Unfortunately it seems that for DP this may not be now, but that doesn't mean you have to wait for a marriage proposal before your DCs can meet him.

They are aware that you're dating, they will be curious to know with whom.

FWIW, my ex has been dating someone for a few months. He told the DCs about her and then they met her within a week. To them, it was as new a relationship as if he'd only just met her because they had only just found out about her when they met her IYSWIM. I'm not saying this is wrong, just that to the DCs it didn't really matter how established the RL was.

If they subsequently split up, my DCs won't really be that traumatised by the whole thing, as they haven't really invested any time thinking about the future with this lady around. They like her and they're happy for their dad, but they haven't really bonded with her yet as they don't see her very often.

Whereas if my DP and I separate the DCs will be gutted because we've been together for a couple of years, our families are intertwined and they spend a lot of time with my DP. Time is not a guarantee that the DCs won't get hurt.