disney dad?excluding me from the family?

[babbinocaro]

Feeling increasingly off about OH's behaviour with DS. Noticed a pattern developing whereby he organises treats, days out, mini-breaks but they never seem to involve the whole family - he says things like "just for the boys", thought you'd like so time to yourself when I don't - just leaves me to pick up grunt work and not see DS having fun. Sometimes think he is just buying their affection after a few difficult years with us (cheating in real life and on-line by him, loss of trust and respect which DS know about). Just leaves me feeling excluded albeit glad the DS will have fun - and they sometimes come back saying "you should have come, it was fun". I sm being sidelined aren't I?

Just say you are coming too. Or use the time to do something nice for yourself or have a weekend visiting friends etc. Why would you choose to do grunt work? Do something fabulous or go with them. Husband sounds dreadful anyway I am afraid.

You're being sidelined. He's untrustworthy and the cynic in me suspects he's working up to a split and is preparing the ground.

Yes, he's side-lining you. It's even worse that he's guilty of doing something wrong in the past and therefore should at least try being contrite.

Children unfortunately are not wordly wise enough to see things like manipulation. You will have to try and physically plant yourself back into their "fun day outs" and treats.

Arrange some yourself, without him? I'm not being childish. If what he's doing is not a big deal then he shouldn't have any problem at all with you going off and doing fun things with the children without him.

This does not sound like a partner who is on your side! Be wary!

I'd be wary that another woman isnt being invited. It does happen when the mother is pushed out and a replacement invited.

I'd start insisting on going with them and see he does.

Yes, agree with above. Don't do grunt work, go and do something you like - or go thug them. Just say with a smile 'Sounds great, I'll join you!' And think about whether you want to play this game long term. He doesn't sound trustworthy.

He may be trying to win the boys over so when he does leave you, your be pushed out.

Put your foot down and don't let him dictate to you. Is he controlling in general?

I would stand back from this and assess. He sounds a shit. First cheating, and then compounding the fact by showing you once and for all that he's not just sexually untrustworthy, but a snake in other aspects of life?

You could confront - and probably sort this quite easily:

'No, I don't want a break. I'll come along. You always say I should have come along afterwards so why don't we just cut out the middle bit, forget the 'just for the boys' thing and all go as a family, eh?' Then in private: 'You need to stop doing this - the cutting me out. It's not helping, DS has noticed, and it's embarrassing - it's so obvious that you're trying to buy affection - what you can't see is that doing it by trying to cut me out has the opposite effect. DS has seen you disrespect me, and therefore our family, now he's just seeing you do it in a different way. It's the same result. Either you're for our family, or you aren't. And if you want to stay married and in the family at all, leaving me to pick up the shit doesn't help either, and also, that's not exactly invisible to DS too.'

• but do you want to? You could stamp out this behaviour, and it's unlikely that your DS is going to be able to be bought by someone who clearly doesn't have the real loyalty to the family to provide the security that you do - but at the end, you'll be left with this as the person you grow old with when your DS flies the nest. Are you sure about that?

Use this behaviour - it is telling you a huge amount. If this is his MO, you're simply going to have this issue time and time again with other things - money, friends, every time a change in your lives comes along and you have to field the challenges brought by the fact that the person who should be standing with you, undermines you to put himself in pole position. Needless to say, it shows more than anything that his cheating wasn't a one off 'mistake', but a real reflection of a selfish, throw-others-to-the-wolves mentality.

I would really assess whether I really wanted to be with him, and I'd make plans and enquiries as to how life might look without him.

Thats really mean. If it was going to play football, or tough boys bonding stuff, maybe, but not something that could be enjoyed as a family unit.
I think he just wants to do things with his son, & basically prefers you not to be there. Sorry

I would nip this in the bud pretty quickly. I am 4 years out of a relationship like this. I wont describe the details but ex has tried to use his strong relationship with DS to gain residency. I am dull worthy parent and of course DS cant see through the manipulation of fun times, presents etc.

A pp talked about another woman being slotted in - absolutely what has happened.

I agree with others. He's setting a precedent for when he leaves.

Agree with the advice already provided. I could have written your post a few years ago. Ex used to say he was taking my DCs "out of my way" so I could tidy/shop/clean/wash. So he got the fun stuff and I got left with the shit. Yet he framed it like he was doing me a favour. I found out much later that this helped his spiel of "my wife won't come out of the house I feel sooo alone" on the dating websites. Twunt.

Insist on going with them and take stock of what you want to do with your relationship.

Oh at the time he was actively looking for an OW and oh boy he was prolific in that quest.

I'm sorry to say my first thought on reading this was as others have said, he's trying to win them over with a view to future separation. Why would he not want you to join in fun family times? We have sessions of boy time or girl time but lots of joint family time as well. I hope you can sort this out.

This is exactly what my ex did.

Excluded me from day trips etc.

It was obviously preparation for when he, completely out of the blue, dumped me.