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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I apologise?

17 replies

SorryButNotSorry · 08/02/2015 05:15

I'll try and be as brief as possible...

Boyfriend of 6 months. Amazing first 3 months of the relationship, I really fell for him. Early December he began having major stresses at work. So much so he handed his notice in to start his own business.

He has one week to go. But the last couple months have been tough. He works 6 sometimes 7 days. 12-15 hour shifts. Ive hardly seen him but we are in touch every day and I've always understood its only temporary. He has let me down a few times but has always been really apologetic.

Understandably, he's been getting really run down. This last week, he has felt under the weather and knackered. He has been a bit distant. I've not taken it personally generally. I know by now, when he gets distant, he's stressed.

Last Saturday, he was going to stay at mine after work but was ill and went home. We saw each other on Mon for the first time in a week. Last night, I was going to stay at his after he finished work but he text and said he still felt crappy and ill, he feels awful for always moaning but he now had to be back in work early this morning and could we leave it?

I sympathised, said that's fine. He replied to say, "only one week to go!!" He the said he doesn't want me to think he doesn't want to see me, but he just wants to go home to mope and feel sorry for himself.

I saw my arse at that! I said it's one thing to be ill and too tired, but if was jibbing me so he could go and "mope" then I didn't feel as sympathetic and he should sort it out.

I didn't hear from him again. I'm wondering if I've been too harsh and should apologise?

OP posts:

ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 05:25

It's hard to know, without knowing him, so I'm on the fence.

However, if he's starting his own business I think you can expect a lot more 'I'm stressed' behaviour. It might not be worth it for someone you've known 5 minutes.

Mermaidhair · 08/02/2015 05:29

I think a little harsh. He was just being honest with you about his feelings/thoughts. In these situations I try to put myself in the situation reversed. How would you feel then? Do you really love him? I lost my husband 5 years ago, and I sometimes think about our arguments over such minor things. Such a waste. Xx

Jengnr · 08/02/2015 05:32

If I was feeling like shit and just wanted a night on my own to feel sorry for myself and my boyfriend saw his arse I'd be pretty unhappy tbh.

Unless there's a lot more to this I think you should, yeah.

Sunnysideup5883 · 08/02/2015 06:17

He's having a shit time and needs some down time to cope. He thought he'd be ok so arranged to see you but when it came to it he felt emotionally awful and just needed to lay low to manage. I think it's perfectly fine for someone to do this if they are finding things unbearable. It's best if you are supportive and empathic

BathtimeFunkster · 08/02/2015 06:32

He isn't arsed about seeing you on his limited free time.

You are just dating.

You don't owe him anything.

If he's too busy to see you, feel free to date other people.

Cabrinha · 08/02/2015 06:38

Simply on that incident - yes, you were harsh! Have you never had a demanding time at work and been run down from the hours? I have, and it really can just be too much to be there for anyone else. So I'd be pissed off / disappointed with you.

But the overall picture is relevant. Why does he have more stress and hours when he's leaving?
You barely know this guy. This could be the real him. And starting his own business is going to be hard, presumably? I'd give him a month of that, then cut your losses if it's more of the same.

Joysmum · 08/02/2015 07:07

If dh or I have a tough day, we retread to an empty room in the house to regroup. Neither of us take it personally.

You've found out he's atruggling and stressed and the first thing you do is to think of yourself and get angry, rather than telling him to take the time he needs and call you to rant if needs be to open up the lines of communication. You sound selfish and lacking in empathy and it's no wonder he's not been sharing his worries with you and has withdrawn instead.

youmakemydreams · 08/02/2015 07:47

Harsh yes. I'm also not the cynical type more likely to take things at face value here but why are things so stressful when he is leaving compared to before. And is it coincidence that he has called off the last two Saturday nights?
You are only dating, it's only been six months and if he starts his own business there will be a lot more work and a lot more stress especially in the early days while he is establishing it. You could be in for way more of this and this could be him telling you who he is and how he deals with stress.

MirandaWest · 08/02/2015 07:52

I think it depends on peoples individual personalities. I have time where I need to be on my own a bit (sometimes to mope a bit) as I know I wouldn't be good company. I'd feel like I was a performing animal if someone else saw their arse at that tbh.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/02/2015 07:56

Yes you were out of order. He couldn't be clearer that he is looking forward to seeing you and its work that is stopping him. And what do you think moping means? It means he's feeling low and crappy and doesn't deel like company. Why would you want him to force himself to see you under those circumstances?

Anniegetyourgun · 08/02/2015 07:58

Taking things absolutely at face value and giving both parties the benefit of any doubt going, I'd say this doesn't sound like a man who's really in the right place to be in a steady relationship just now.

Ouchbloodyouch · 08/02/2015 07:59

Im thinking that he may not be that into you... I run my own business and its very stressful but I still made time to see my other half because he brought me happiness until he pissed off with ow

BathtimeFunkster · 08/02/2015 08:13

He couldn't be clearer that he is looking forward to seeing you and its work that is stopping him.

Work isn't "stopping him".

What's stopping him is that he's one of those miserable shites who enjoys moping about when life's not totally peachy.

Honestly, that's such a tiresome quality.

He's a bit busy at a job he's leaving anyway.

Big fucking woop.

If that's enough to cool his ardour after 6 months, he's just not that arsed about you.

YouAreMyRain · 08/02/2015 08:34

If you want to spend the next few years of your life in a relationship with a workaholic, then yes, apologise.

He will not change. His work is more important than you. Even if you had kids this wouldn't change .

This is ideal if you want a part time relationship.

If you want a proper relationship with someone who makes you feel special then dump and move on.

You are six months in and half that time has been shit.

KatelynB · 08/02/2015 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

penniechews · 08/02/2015 09:10

He's cancelled 2 Saturday nights and you've hardly seen him, sounds to me like his mind is very much elsewhere, perhaps work, perhaps not.

Valentine's day next Saturday, that should be interesting.

BathtimeFunkster · 08/02/2015 09:12

You are six months in and half that time has been shit.

^
Bears repeating.

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