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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know whether to send this

15 replies

shouldishorrible · 07/02/2015 23:48

or just keep it as a rant? It is an email to my father, after he did his normal running away on skype thing when I asked him not to be dictatorial to me.

"I know you think I am an incredibly negative person and you are right to some degree, I am. But I find life difficult. I find people difficult.
I don't know if you ever did any reading about dyspraxia and the impact it has?

I have been let down by every single person I have loved and trusted. I know you spoke to my ex in regards to my behavior before our divorce. But you never asked me about the background.

When ex and I were planning the move to the states, we made an agreement that if I needed help with my mental health at any point, then I would be able to get it straight away.

When we moved to small isolated town, I found my mental state declining. I went to ex and said "ok, need help, ok?". He said that was fine, but I would have to pay for it out of the housekeeping (around two hundred dollars a week, I used this to cover petrol, going out with the kids, new clothes, this money would have been pretty much swallowed by psychiatrist fees and we were not struggling financially).
So instead, I stuck with trying to get my depression lifted with the help of my primary care practitioner ( the US equivalent of a GP), since other anti-depressants I had been prescribed had not been working, she put me on a pill called Venlafaxine.
This triggered a manic episode which is when I started acting the way I did.

But yes, even after coming off the medication, I was behaving terribly. I am mentally ill. I might always be so. I might end up dead as a consequence.

I am currently on a waiting list to see a new therapist. I am seeing a counsellor through the university.

I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis.

I have very low expectations of people, which is why I struggle when they can't even meet those.
I don't know why I am writing this. I don't expect it to make a difference to how you view me. You always had the view that we should seek for solutions and that we are all responsible for our own happiness. I get that, I really do. I am trying.

I am at university, despite the huge amount of struggle it took me to get here(with student finance in order to get funded). I am doing ok on my course. Two distinctions, one merit and two passes. I am getting involved with the Raising and Giving week. And I am doing this, in spite of the fact that most days I wish I was dead. That I have a panic attack whenever I think about what happens next, when I have finished the course.

I am lucky if I get to sleep, without some form of sleeping pill.

I don't expect anything of you. I realize that you find me hard to deal with. But next time, please don't run away just because I have asked you to respect my right to do things my way. It might not be the way you would do things, but that doesn't make it wrong.

I hope that your Sunday is going well."

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 08/02/2015 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeanKoontz · 08/02/2015 00:22

Read it again in the morning and then decide.

shouldishorrible · 08/02/2015 00:39

Quietly, I was making a comment in regards to a familial relationship, a quite definite one and he started to say ' you shouldn't be so definite', at which point I interjected with 'please, don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do'.
It is a historical part of our relationship, he lectures and I hate being lectured. We have had many calm and rational discussions about it since I have been an adult but he still starts to do it and then when I object, that is it, end of conversation.
I would love to think that he is embarrassed because he has done it again but that isn't the way it comes across.
I will sleep on it.

OP posts:
DarceyBustle · 08/02/2015 05:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 08/02/2015 06:46

It's too vague. Too everything. If you want to spill your heart out, do it here or in an unsent letter. If you have an issue with him, deal with it much more directly issue by issue, one at a time.

Getting distinctions is great - but it's got nowt to do with him dictating to you. Unless in your mind it's your way of saying "look, you think you're always right - but here I am doing bloody well following my OWN choices". In which case, say that.

And what's with the have nice Sunday? You know what? You're allowed to bring up difficult subjects without trying to be nice at the end. It's incongruous anyway.

I think you can achieve a lot by writing this stuff down and thinking it through, discussing it with friends or a therapist. But I don't think sending that would achieve anything yet with him. Comes across like you need to be clearer with yourself what you want to achieve with him. Flowers

Vivacia · 08/02/2015 07:14

Er, no, don't send that.

shouldishorrible · 08/02/2015 10:40

Ok thanks for the feedback. Just going to send a brief email about the grades I have so far and my involvement in the raising and giving week but without all the negative stuff.
Basically, I would really like some positive reinforcement/supportive words from him.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/02/2015 11:25

Have you already sent it?

shouldishorrible · 08/02/2015 14:52

I havn't sent anything at this point in time.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 08/02/2015 15:15

Might you be setting him up to fail and you to be disappointed there?

Sounds like he has a history of being negative, so don't you think you might not get the words you want?

More importantly, even if he were GREAT with the support, all the time, you need to stop looking to him (or anyone else) for validation. His praise, and anyone else's, is a nice-to-have.

You should work towards it being enough that YOU are proud of your grades, and your giving week efforts. It needs to come from within to make you happy. I know that won't happen overnight, but his praise ultimately won't help if you can't praise yourself.

You've got TWO distinctions are a merit, yet you feel you're "doing OK". You're not. You're doing bloody well! Use your energy to convince YOURSELF of that, not your father.

Aridane · 08/02/2015 16:11

I wouldn't send that, to be honest

DarkHeart · 08/02/2015 16:20

Personally I wouldn't send it because you are looking for a specific response i.e. him to be supportive. In my experience you never get what you are looking for by email.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2015 16:25

I would not send this to him also because he will simply use all of it against you. Will he listen, no and he has not done so to date has he.

I think you are still seeking his approval even now, approval btw he will never give you because he is simply not built that way. It is NOT your fault he is the way he is.

wellcoveredsparerib · 08/02/2015 17:11

From just the incident you describe it doesn't sound to me as if your dad was being "dictatorial". Obviously there is a back story here, but could you have misinterpreted?

shouldishorrible · 08/02/2015 20:19

Thank you everyone. Yes, self worth is something I need to work on.
Maybe, I did misinterpret it but in the light of our relationship, I don't think that I did.
I think I will leave it for now and just wait until the next time that he deems I can be spared five minutes and then just try and be as positive and cheery as I can manage! He doesn't like me much and that does make me sad.

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