or just keep it as a rant? It is an email to my father, after he did his normal running away on skype thing when I asked him not to be dictatorial to me.
"I know you think I am an incredibly negative person and you are right to some degree, I am. But I find life difficult. I find people difficult.
I don't know if you ever did any reading about dyspraxia and the impact it has?
I have been let down by every single person I have loved and trusted. I know you spoke to my ex in regards to my behavior before our divorce. But you never asked me about the background.
When ex and I were planning the move to the states, we made an agreement that if I needed help with my mental health at any point, then I would be able to get it straight away.
When we moved to small isolated town, I found my mental state declining. I went to ex and said "ok, need help, ok?". He said that was fine, but I would have to pay for it out of the housekeeping (around two hundred dollars a week, I used this to cover petrol, going out with the kids, new clothes, this money would have been pretty much swallowed by psychiatrist fees and we were not struggling financially).
So instead, I stuck with trying to get my depression lifted with the help of my primary care practitioner ( the US equivalent of a GP), since other anti-depressants I had been prescribed had not been working, she put me on a pill called Venlafaxine.
This triggered a manic episode which is when I started acting the way I did.
But yes, even after coming off the medication, I was behaving terribly. I am mentally ill. I might always be so. I might end up dead as a consequence.
I am currently on a waiting list to see a new therapist. I am seeing a counsellor through the university.
I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis.
I have very low expectations of people, which is why I struggle when they can't even meet those.
I don't know why I am writing this. I don't expect it to make a difference to how you view me. You always had the view that we should seek for solutions and that we are all responsible for our own happiness. I get that, I really do. I am trying.
I am at university, despite the huge amount of struggle it took me to get here(with student finance in order to get funded). I am doing ok on my course. Two distinctions, one merit and two passes. I am getting involved with the Raising and Giving week. And I am doing this, in spite of the fact that most days I wish I was dead. That I have a panic attack whenever I think about what happens next, when I have finished the course.
I am lucky if I get to sleep, without some form of sleeping pill.
I don't expect anything of you. I realize that you find me hard to deal with. But next time, please don't run away just because I have asked you to respect my right to do things my way. It might not be the way you would do things, but that doesn't make it wrong.
I hope that your Sunday is going well."