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Relationships

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Should I contact him?

11 replies

daisylou466 · 07/02/2015 11:55

I'm just over 3 months pregnant and my bf has walked out on me. Things haven't been good recently - he's very much 'things will work out' whereas I need to plan things to know they are ok. He was a house dad to his first 2 kids so I always thought it would be great when we had our own baby. But now he won't give me any help or sympathy (been sick every day since middle of December). Until he left he was living half the week with me and half in another city where he works. He works as a delivery driver 3 nights a week here and every day he's here he goes to the gym for 2 hours and then goes to the pub for 1 or 2 hours so we ended up spending about 3 hours a week together. I've recently found out that I don't get anywhere near the amount of maternity pay that I thought I would and whilst he said he would help out financially he was keeping around £200 a week to himself where I would have absolutely no money for me. When I asked him to think about reducing his time/money spent in pub and on lottery tickets he told me I was taking away his civil rights of being a man and being far to demanding and that I couldn't expect him to give up anything else. He said he needed to go to the pub to unwind and when I asked when I would get time to unwind he said when the baby was sleeping. I stayed at my mum's that night and when I got home next day he had taken all his belongings and posted his key through the door. This was on Wednesday/Thursday. His jobs are casual so unless he chooses to give me money for the baby there is no way I'd be able to get him to pay maintenance as it looks like he doesn't work to the authorities. I haven't contacted him so far and don't really know if I should or not or what to say. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Angleshades · 07/02/2015 12:28

He sounds awful! If he is this bad why would you want to contact him? If he isn't giving you any support now, what makes you think he'll man up and help out when the baby is here?

If I was you I'd make plans for the future that don't include him. If you wait around for him you'll only end up hurting yourself. Do you have support from family and friends?

CitySnicker · 07/02/2015 13:08

So he doesn't pay any tax?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 13:23

I think you're flogging a dead horse if you're trying to get him to voluntarily step up and take some responsibility, financially or otherwise. He's showing you a clean pair of heels. Agree with a PP. Make your plans so that they don't include him and get the CSA (or equivalent) on to him for maintenance. He may only work casually today but you have to think about the next 18 years...

KarmaNoMore · 07/02/2015 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/02/2015 14:50

Civil rights of being a man? What a cunt. And a fool.

Sorry this has happened. Have you worked out what you will be entitled to in benefits as a lone parent?

daisylou466 · 07/02/2015 17:35

I haven't managed to work out that I'm going to be entitled to yet. I'm a teacher so I do earn good money, but once I'm on maternity I get SMP likr everyone else and that doesn't even cover my mortgage. I've got an appointment with CAB for a week on Monday to see if they can advise to what I will be due on maternity leave. I know when I go back to work nearly half my salary will be taken up with childcare costs and I just have to accept that. But if I don't get any help over and above SMP I'll have to go back after 3 months and the baby will be in nursery full time for at least 9 hours a day - I had hoped I would get longer with the baby and we had decided he would again be a stay at home dad as I earn the most and he's done it twice before.

I have support from my mum, but she's in her 60s so don't want to put too much pressure on her. My friends all have their own families so really can't give much help. I'm a carer for my dad, so he will be unable to give me any help either.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 17:45

Having been a lone parent since birth myself my advice to you would be to sharpen your elbows and swallow your pride. Unless you've got plenty of money and can afford wrap around care for work and social stuff, you're going to need to make use of other people a lot, especially in the early years. If you're offered help therefore, take it and say thanks. If your Mum wants to be supportive, let her. If you've never asked for help before, now's the time to put your pride to one side.

Go after him for a contribution but treat anything you get as a bonus

KarmaNoMore · 07/02/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisylou466 · 07/02/2015 20:41

I don't seem to be able to fill in the benefits calculator just now as I'm not due until August. I just feel really lost as to be honest I have no idea what to ask CAB. I know thousands of women do this every year on their own, I think I'm still in shock just now.

OP posts:
happywanderingwithdog · 07/02/2015 21:15

Jeez, what an utter wanker he turned out to be. Ring CAB, you don't need to ask the right questions. Just tell them your situation and they will have the right answers. Really, they will. And you will feel so much better for it.

KarmaNoMore · 09/02/2015 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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