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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help - missing ex h and gutted he's seen someone new

25 replies

movingonishard · 06/02/2015 23:06

Long story but to summarise.
Ex h and I have been divorced about 2 years. Have one adorable child.
During the marraiage he lied, was subtly controlling, regularly view extreme porn, and more.
However he could alos be lovley and i was far from perfect.
having had time apart i feel i've gaine some confidence, but still regualry miss him terribly. I recently found out he was seeing someone (he a=said only for a couple of week) but she's stayed at his house as she;s left clothes, etc there. I can barely think straight. i actually thought he was disinterestdd in women and might even be gay. this has wrenched my hear and i'm not breathing properly and can barely focus. I actualy cried for probably the fist time since we split up.
I'm thinking i must still love him and wondering if i should talk to him about how i feel

OP posts:
movingonishard · 06/02/2015 23:24

Anyone there?

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candyce83 · 06/02/2015 23:32

It doesnt sound like you were a good match...maybe you loved one small part of him and mistook that for all that he was? No one likes seeing an ex move on however, he's not going to have a personality transplant with this new woman. Let her have him. He's no longer your problem. You need to learn to love yourself lady. To ask for someone back who wasn't very good to you shows you have poor self-worth. Work on that before embarking on anything with anyone.

movingonishard · 06/02/2015 23:35

Thanks Candy. I've pointed out all his bad points and the reasons we split up. However he did have a lot of good points to but they kind of got overshadowed the more we argued. I can see i was very demanding and overreacted alot to some things. I havent fel this bad for years :(

OP posts:
movingonishard · 06/02/2015 23:42

anyone else there? really need someone to talk to and there's noone in RL around :(

OP posts:
wobblebobblehat · 06/02/2015 23:46

He lied, was controlling, viewed extreme porn and more. Confused

You need to take your rose coloured spectacles off I think.

fruityloopy · 06/02/2015 23:46

one step at a time, keep breathing, keep moving forward. Take every day slowly. don't make decisions or rash moves. Hang on inn there. x

Fontella · 06/02/2015 23:49

Ok for what it's worth ....

Your marriage didn't work out.

You had good moments, happy moments (even the most dysfunctional relationships have those).

But in the grand scheme of things it wasn't right and you parted company. You went your separate ways and divorced.

Now you find out the man with whom you weren't happy has met another woman and he's sleeping with her.

Your reaction to this news has overwhelmed you and you are starting to think irrationally.

What you are experiencing isn't love. This reaction of yours isn't love. It's jealousy (primarily) but that jealousy is mixed up with lots of other emotions, familiarity, assumption, loss, regret and fear.

No you don't 'love him still'. You are just jealous. Jealous with lots of past history and mitigating circumstances of course.

This emotional, heart wrenching, tearful reaction to the fact that your ex of two years is sleeping with someone, isn't about love, and it doesn't mean you need to tell him how you think you feel either. What would the point of that be? You are two years separated/divorced.

If he is into his new partner then he won't welcome this declaration from you .. and if you are two years separated then there's not a snowball's chance in hell of you achieving anything from such a revelation.

HE LIED, WAS CONTROLLING, VIEWED EXTREME PORN .. AND MORE.

Remember all the reasons you divorced him .. and while he's enjoying this first flush of whatever it is he is feeling for his new partner ... ultimately it is she who is going to have to deal with all the issues that made you separate from this man in the first place. The poor woman/girl doesn't have your experience, insight, knowledge and past history with him. All the things that made you split from him ... are now her problem not yours.

Be grateful for that and see this for what it is. Your porn viewing, lying, controlling ex has got himself a new girlfriend. Be grateful it's not you.

movingonishard · 06/02/2015 23:54

Thanks for taking the time to reply :) He's not actually seeing this woman anymore - he said it was just for a couple of weeks and not seen her for a month or so now. Sorry if i wasn't clear

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CookieDough9 · 07/02/2015 00:04

You being far from perfect didn't give him the excuse to lie, control and disrespect you. Do you honestly feel now that the good moments outweighed the bad? Is your home life much better or easier now without him?
It's understandably come as a shock to you seeing him move on but try and concentrate on your own life. You deserve to be happy given what you've said in your op

Fontella · 07/02/2015 00:08

Thanks for taking the time to reply He's not actually seeing this woman anymore - he said it was just for a couple of weeks and not seen her for a month or so now. Sorry if i wasn't clear

I couldn't give a shit if he's seeing her or not.

You were begging for replies and I'm half pissed so I thought I'd oblige.

CookieDough9 · 07/02/2015 00:13
Grin
Coyoacan · 07/02/2015 00:15

The thing is, OP, that "love" isn't a good enough reason for living with a controlling man, especially when there are children involved.

Though personally I can't see what you could love about a man who watches extreme porn

fromparistoberlin73 · 07/02/2015 00:15

its never nice BUT RIDE THE WAVE

he will treat her like shit too soon

do you reallly think he will turn into a relaxed, kind, non porny man

be careful, you showing your jealousy, him saying its over, might end up getting back (unless thata what you want)

read Fontelle

movingonishard · 07/02/2015 00:18

Sorry for annoying some of you by not being clear.

maybe it is the rose tinted specs and also disliking being alone.

My homelife is much more stable, mot many ups and downs, whereas with him i had no idea how i'd feel from one day to the next as he upset me so often

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movingonishard · 07/02/2015 00:21

Thanks paris. You mean he might get back with her, or me ?!?

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CookieDough9 · 07/02/2015 00:23

In that case op, I think you have your answer right there. Everyone deserves a stable life and you don't need him bringing you or dc down. Hold that thought and move on

movingonishard · 07/02/2015 00:24

Thanks Cookie :) Trouble is it's much lonlier too...

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/02/2015 00:24

Hi Moving. So sorry you're upset, but look at it this way at least you have been with your husband spent time with him and created a life together. No one can ever take that away. It's not like you're suffering from unrequited love!

OddFodd · 07/02/2015 00:25

Don't do the pick me dance. He sound horrible. If you're lonely, make more friends or take up a new hobby. Toxic exes are always a bad choice.

fromparistoberlin73 · 07/02/2015 00:28

getting back with you! you DONT want to get back with shit ex just cos you are a bit jealous

CookieDough9 · 07/02/2015 00:30

Moving - it's much better to be alone than be with someone who doesn't treat us the way in which we deserve to be treated. Like a pp said work on your own self worth as you are worth more, much more than this and hopefully you will see this too

candyce83 · 07/02/2015 00:52

Of course its hard to be alone when you're always beating up on yourself. Have you considered counseling? Sometimes we settle for the love we think we deserve.

ISpeakJive · 07/02/2015 07:58

OP, can I just ask...Were you still sleeping with him?

Vivacia · 07/02/2015 08:07

Gah, I thought I'd be the first one to ask that question.

movingonishard · 07/02/2015 13:30

Me, sleeping with him????Not for years

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