help ,its not working i dont know what to do!

[bumptobabies]

i have been with dh 6yrs we have a 3yr ds and 12yr dd. several years ago he raised his hand to me when drunk, we now dont drink together as he can switch when he has more than 4 drinks. i feel worn out, when we need to discuss anything it always gets heated and personal " whatever shut the f up", we decided to bring some intimacy back by taking it in turns to arrange weekly dates and if i dont remind him it dosnt happen we have had sex 4 times this year. he dosnt do anything unless asked and then he forgets its like having a third child. on an up note he is a great dad infact ds prefers him to me, he cleans through every week for me and contributes equally finacialy. we are in our 30s he has gone back to study and ill be furious to go through poordom to have some other woman reep the rewards and im scared of hurting the kids at the same time im in my prime living with a man who acts like hes 70 aaagh.he knows how i feel and still does nothing,also i work shifts at weekends and need him to care for the kids. im so confused please help.
sorry its long

ok

does he still drink? if so...do you think he is dependent on alcohol? if so , then everything else is academic as he will never change while he is still drinking

he has been physically aggressive to you

he is verbally aggressive to you

he is good with the kids,contributes financially and helps look after the house......but you have no intimacy and no loving relationship..and you feel like he is a child, not a partner

so -is the drinking a root cause or not?

and..sorry you are having a hard time...must be awful

is he aggressive to the kids or in front of them?

he drinks on ocassion say twice a week and ooh 4 bottles of cider or beer,i wouldnt say he was dependant. he can sometimes shout over the top towards the kids not sure if thats agressive. he is incredibly moody though its like the tinyest thing and its reason to be in a grump. (please excuse spelling)

he is agressive in front of them.

Am sorry to say this but he is not being a great dad to yoru children at all. He is aggressive in front of them for starters. Damaging lessons are being imparted here. Your children learn about relationships from you two, you are their primary influence. What are you teaching them about relationships?. How would you feel if your daughter ended up with a man like your husband? Am sorry to be harsh but being with a parent who is overtly fond of alcohol is no fun at all. You sound like you're totally ground down by it all and defeated and thus have no idea what to do for the best.

Alcoholics do not need to drink every day after all. Perhaps you are saying he is not dependent because you yourself cannot face the reality of what his drinking is doing to you as a family unit. His actions are damaging you all.

What is the longest period of time he has gone without any alcohol whatsoever?.

You are frightened of hurting your children but it is doing them no good at all to see their parents like this, they are aware of what is going on and they learn from it.

Have you drunk with him previously to try to keep up with him?.

I would talk to Al-anon, they offer families of problem drinkers support.

Better to be apart and happier than be in a relationship where it is misery.

Alcohol also acts as a depressant.

thank you for your advice, i am aware of addiction as my father is a recovering addict and i really dont feel this is so with dh i do think it is more to do with anger and lack of self esteem. he has gone months without a drink several times. its more the daily outbursts like not being able to find something and getting really angry swearing and the like. im just exausted, and your right its not good for the kids i just dont know how id manage on my own.

bumptobabies,

Where is this anger and lack of self esteem coming from?. If he has anger issues this along with his lack of self esteem needs to be addressed properly by him. Counselling for his own self would be a start. As for your good self you cannot rescue or try to save someone from themselves if they are not willing to seek help.

He may have gone months without a drink but he has always returned to drinking hasn't he?.

I think you would manage far better than you actually give yourself credit for. Your two children would be far happier not having all these arguments and Dad shouting at you their Mother in their lives. What is he teaching them, he is a poor role model for your children. Think of them too; they cannot ignore what is happening around them.

I feel for you certainly but moreso for your children. You have the power to change things but you need to seek help and support for your own self. In this regard Al-anon could help along with Womens Aid. You sound completely ground down by him and his behaviours.

last night i sugested we go to relate he agreed and we discussed living seperatly to see if this is what we want, i feel a sence of releif. now we need to do this as smoothly for the kids as possable.