Dh - years of secret flirty texts and emails with several women

[Penelope1234]

To try and cut a lng story short.... 12 years ago he had an in my face "friendship" with a girl. After a few years we moved and he eventually conceded that the way he had acted had been wrong. Which he apologised for. There were over the next few years some other strange texting patches. Every time I found out he apologised. Anyway, I found out yesterday and today that he has been in contact apparently about three times per year with an ex from over 20 years ago. The email chain I saw had heavily sexualised language, she talked about how sexy she looked, he used words like erotic, moist etc. I went ballistic. Turns out he has monthly texts with another woman who I do know where he flirts, calls her gorgeous, she seems to like it but doesn't reciprocate heavily. I am left dumbfounded. I just don't know what this means. Where it leaves our relationship (2kids)? What should I do? Thanks.

Well it is totally your call but I would not be able to trust a man who did this and so our relationship would be over.

You, however, may be far more forgiving.

What does he have to say for himself? Is he blaming you? Saying it meant nothing and you are overreacting? He doesn;t know why he did it and he is sorry?

He has form - he won't change. Can you live with this or not?

He is remorseful, apologetic and desperate not to lose the family. However, as you say and I have said to him myself, he has form. Why would it be different going forward? I am not the forgiving type. I also don't want to go another 10 years and find out something similar. By which time my relationship would have been a sham for 28 years.

Remorseful and apologetic? You mean sorry he has been found out!

Far far better to get out now - avoid the "sunk cost fallacy" of thinking you have spent so many years you may as well stay or it will all have been in vain.

I bet there is a bright wankbadger- free future out there for you OP

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

How has he reacted to your discovery?

It seems that this is a pattern of behaviour which he believes he's entitled to and probably doesn't care too much what you think of it all (except of course I'm sure he'd have preferred you not knowing).

If there are no consequences for him I really doubt he'll change. If he changes and never does it again, do you think you could trust him? Can you forgive this betrayal? Has it changed the way you feel about him?

Sorry xpost. So he's desperate not to lose his family? What about being desperate to explore how you feel? As is often the case, his first though appears to be for himself rather than the woman he has hurt.

Of course he's desperate not to lose the family...it's called having your cake and eating it. Never mind what he wants ..this is now about what you want which I suspect is a partner who doesn't leer after other women... Do not listen to excuses....only you can decide what you will tolerate

Hi hooty, he is gutted, remorseful and apologetic, but I think he is able to be terribly remorseful..... And then it seems to pass. It is absolutely a behaviourial pattern. At the moment I am literally shaking. I don't know how I feel. If he changes I could trust him because he is a great friend and partner in so many other ways. But you only know they haven't changed when it is too late. I don't know yet if I am prepared to take that risk. I have tracked down one of them, she lives in Australia (i should have been a PI) I wanted to hear what she said if only to verify his story. She hung up on me.

Thats is a good point about him feeling for himself and my failure is often to get drawn into his hurt. I know I shouldn't but it is habitual, it goes back a loooong way!

What an utter arse your husband is! You gave him the second chance years ago ( when many wouldn't have bothered ) and he goes and throws it all back in your face! How bloody insulted and disrespected you must feel, I feel so bad for you Penelope.....

It's very easy for all of us on here to say " leave him ", but actually, what is the alternative? He's not going to change. In fact, if you gave him yet another chance he'd quite possibly act on these messages and do the dirty on you, in the physical form! He's pissing all over your trust and your love for him.

Personally I would get rid. Like Hampton says, he's only showing remorse that he got caught, not that he's hurt you. And he's not thinking of his kids either is he? Arrogant tosser

Tell him to sling his hook and he can have his sodding ego massaged elsewhere. As a single man! So pissed off on your behalf cos I'm trying to imagine how I would feel tbh As far as I'm concerned he's been unfaithful already with this unforgivable behaviour!

I guess one of the reasons I posted here (first time) was because I wanted to calibrate my response. I wonder if I have allowed him away with too much before. I have to say the strength of some responses is quite startling to me (no offence taken and I did ask for advice!) but it makes me wonder what world I have been living in.

It's easy for us all to see this situation for what it is, and say LTB, but you're wrapped up in the reality of it, your intertwined past, your fears for the future and your family.

I doubt he'll change, I think you probably will leave, if not now, later, maybe next time. What I know for sure is that if you allow yourself to be swept up into his remorse, your own feelings and desires will be swept aside. Can you ask him to leave for a while and not contact you while you gather your own thoughts and make a decision free from his outpouring of guilt and sorrow?

What exactly was the initial "friendship" that you allude to some 12yrs ago? I think you've given him more than enough chances to be remorseful and make the effort to change. You've been MORE than tolerant, and possibly overly optimistic. He's had YEARS to reflect on his behaviour and to consider if he values you and his marriage above flirting with some tarts!

But what exactly has he done all these years? Sweet bugger all except more of the same hurtful behaviour. It's like he's testing you, pushing the boundaries, not believeing that you'll ever dump him. That's why he's an arrogant fool. He's using you and manipulating your good nature so he can get off behaving like this.

I would honestly be bloody livid and I would kick his sorry arse out! He doesn't deserve you. Don't suffer fools gladly, even if he is your husband. He's got no respect for you. I would be questioning if he even loves me cos it sure as hell doesn't look like he does.

I wouldn't even bother with psychoanalysing him and his behaviour. He's had years to put things right. As he hasn't, I think he's taking you for a mug and probably doesn't even see his behaviour as wrong!

Best wishes for whatever you decide to do tho Talk about stressful...........

It is quite difficult to create space as we work together in our own business. He is in the spare room for now. We also have a week off next week with the kids. I am worried I will just get caught up in everyday life and get swept along again.

He remorseful or apologetic, hes just upset you've killed his buzz again.

Poor lamb

isnt*

Sorry you're in this horrible position. He's been found out. Of course he's remorseful, he wants his cake and eat it it. It's your call now, but if he's had form, is he likely to change?

I'm afraid that in this case I take a different view.

It's very clear from what you have said that he has a few females that he flirts with but that it is a rare occasional thing (3 times a year) or not serious - the person he's flirting does not respond at anythign liek the same level.

I see it as someone who is flirting just to retain the illusion that he could attract someone else if need be ... but that his basic commitment is to you. He hasn't had an affair, he hasn't acted on the bullshit. Real players do it differently, they have women hanging off their every word and longing for a relationship with him. He has women who are frankly faintly polite to him .. men going on about being moist is really not very attractive.

No the pattern isn't going to change. It's gone on too long. But imo in this situation it's not very harmful, though it is insulting to you. I'd not worry about flirting in front of him any more, if you ever did, and put it down to the hard-to-surrender illusions of immortality.

I understand how difficult it is to leave...and how long it may take you to wrap your head around this situation before finally doing something about it (8.5 years here - with me attempting to leave after the first 4 years in, but forgiving that lying, selfish, idiot).

You'd be better off just doing it now. He has already proven he is incapable of change - his tears are that he got caught, not that he's actually sorry for what he has done. If he was truly sorry it never would have happened again after the first time.

You deserve better