Expectations when co-habiting

[FreckledLeopard]

Not sure if my expectations are too much or if I'm being unreasonable.

DP has recently moved in, all going well, with one exception. This is the first time she (same-sex relationship) has ever lived with anyone (in a relationship). I was previously married so obviously lived with my then husband.

I'm slightly stressed out about the "norms" of communication throughout the day. Generally we don't communicate much (we both work full time) which is fine - we're both busy. Occasionally we email if there are general day-to-day queries.

However, one thing that's bugging me slightly (and I will talk to her about it, but wanted to gather opinions first) is that she still thinks and functions as if living alone. For example, it's now almost 8pm, I'm ill (have been off work for two days in bed with virus) and DD (teenager) is hungry. We don't have much food in the house (need to do a big shop). I've finally bitten the bullet and ordered takeaway (am peckish myself) but have heard nothing from DP as to whether she's left work, what time she'll be home or anything. Last I heard was at 10am about something totally different. I've tried calling but her phone is on silent (as it normally is - she rarely answers it).

I'm not clingy or needy - but it would be good to know what she wants for dinner and where the hell she is. It bugs me that she doesn't automatically think of letting me know if she's going to be late or anything. This happened on Tuesday night (she finally came home at 9pm - I was worried in case something had happened to her) and now it's happening again.

In all other respects she's very caring, considerate. But this issue is really getting to me.

Talk to her about it. If she's never lived with someone in a relationship then there's bound to be a period of getting used to it. DH had no idea how to behave when we first moved in together and used to ask me for permission to do the most trivial things as well as trailing about after me like a puppy . I was also a bit the same as your OH and used to stay out having drinks with work because it didn't occur to me he might like to know what was happening.

Have a chat with her and use the things you've mentioned as an example, but not in a 'you didn't do this' way, more like 'can we do this because x'. Don't worry too much, it's no biggie, just you both getting used to each other's habits. Good luck

She's back. I'm grumpy and ill. Now she's upset. Ugh.

Just talk to her about it when you aren't feeling grumpy and ill. I had this same issue with my boyfriend when we first started living together (younger man, had never lived with someone before, didn't realize that he should let me know if he was going to be late so that I could make meal arrangements). It has taken a while but he now checks in regularly - just a quick text. He has a job where he often has to work late at short notice.
Just explain that it isn't a problem if she is late but that you do need to know so that you know whether to expect her in time for the meal and so that you aren't worrying that something has happened.