Fallen out the wrong way round?

[PeppermintChaiLatte]

I'm looking for reassurance as I don't think I handled this situation very well.

I recently found out that a very close friend of mine told our wider friendship group about a bad argument DH and I had several years ago (pre-marriage, I walked out on him but we sorted out the issue and there hasn't been anything like that since). She told this to a group of my friends and partners at an event that me and DH were unable to attend. I felt embarrassed, upset and angry that she had betrayed my confidence, especially to so many people at once. Some thought this was a recent argument, not several years ago.

Upon reflection I decided not to stay angry about it because it felt like a wasted emotion and it was really out of character for her to do that. Plus I know she's been having a bad time herself recently and I didn't want to cause a massive issue if it could be avoided. I did however want to talk to her about it - because I didn't know how I could trust her again without doing so.

My first opportunity to talk to her came last week and I absolutely blew it. We had just had an evening with some other friends and we were on own on the way home. We had been talking about recent issues in her own life. For some unknown reason I decided that now would be the perfect time to talk about it. I really emphasised that I wasn't angry etc. She became upset, apologised, cried, "tried to remember what else she had said" and I found myself trying to re-assure her that everything was okay. We left it at that.

I haven't really heard from her since. I've sent a few messages, she's replied once, saying she needs some downtime, which I'm respecting. I apologised for the rubbish timing but she didn't reply. I feel really sad but I don't know what else to do. I don't think I did anything wrong so why do I feel so bad? I didn't want to fall out over this but it looks like exactly that.

I can't talk to my husband about it because he's a really private person and would be horrified to know this has gone around our friendship group.

Any advice would be truly appreciated x

Have you considered that you are not in the wrong here?

You aren't in the wrong and she's exploiting this into an opportunity to gain sympathy for her.

If she can't remember what else she said it sounds like she's been drinking too much.

This is what's confusing me because although I know that I'm not in the wrong, I feel like I am ... feeling anxious etc. I must have really bad self-esteem to be reacting in this way.

I don't normally 'assert' myself / do confrontation so it could be to do with that.

You have done nothing wrong apart from pull her up on her bad behaviour, she should never have done that, regardless of what she's going through, we all go through shit, leave her to it, to me, she'd not really be a friend I'd be losing any sleep over.

She should be apologising to you and making the effort, not you chasing after her. She betrayed your confidence and gossiped about you behind your back! The only time that could ever be remotely acceptable would be if it was for your benefit in some way which it clearly wasn't. Let her come to you and apologise and then you can sort it out - if you still want to.

It was a perfectly good time to bring it up, the two of you alone and you had already been friendly and civil just beforehand. Consciously or not, her crying etc. managed to get her out of a sticky situation and make you worry that you had upset her. Pretty handy, non?

I doubt anything else will be gained from raising it again. You'll just get more of the same. i would be demoting her from very close friend sharpish and not telling her anything personal and making sure none of your other friends relay stuff to her either. She obviously can't keep a secret and likes to get attention by passing on gossip.

And you hold your head up, OP. You are not in the wrong here.

Thank you everyone reading back my OP I have been way too hard on myself. We have had our moments in the past but we've been good friends for absolute years, and she was fantastic during a recent bleed scare I had (I'm pregnant) calming me down on the phone etc. But it is hard to reconcile that with the above.

I only found out because she had told me a different version of the evening that I had raised with a mutual friend - then it all came out. My relationship had been analysed by my friendship group and they were apparently worried about me. I'm absolutely fine, and in touch with people, may not as much as I was because I live further away now and don't drive but I'm working on that. I guess it could be argued that she broke the confidence out of concern but considering no-one followed this up with me I can only suppose it was motivated by gossip.

Hope that wasn't a drip feed!

And also because it happened over 3 years ago with no repeat occurrence - nobody else's business really!

Wait a minute. This lady betrayed your confidence, by broad casting your argument with your dh to all in sundry. (Like she never argues with her dh but that's another story!)
You very rightly got peeved about it, hey who wouldn't, and you're the one apologizing.
She's in the wrong not you. Stop apologizing. You don't need friends like this

she's deflecting the blame by playing the victim.

she was out of order and she knows it.

yanbu.

Let her come back to you, no more messaging her. She is in the wrong and you were right to tell her. I can't stand it when people can't tolerate being told something yet dish it out as and when .

If she chooses to ignore you them move on and beware who you confide in. That's a shame because I really value female confidantes.