dh disconnected to children

[comebacksun]

That's it, he doesn't do anything with them.
He claims he's tired, just wants to come home from work, eat and watch tv. Then I feel guilty when I have to listen to them read, or help with homework, or they want to play or talk with me because he says I don't spend time with him.

Weekends are the same. I take them to their clubs. He goes to the gym then sleeps the afternoon away. He actually wants me to climb into bed with him but I feel like I can't just leave the children. They would just watch tv or play computer games for the whole time. This is such a boring life. (Although I hate the cold so the winter months are hard for me).

I feel caught in the middle. DH complains that I don't give him attention, and the children (because of lack of attention from DH all their lives only want to talk to me or go out with me.

Dd has an ok relationship with him, she's affectionate and loving with everyone.

Ds on the other hand, doesn't even like him. He complains that he's really harsh with him and says that all Daddy does is watch tv and lie in bed. He thinks he's really lazy. (DH does the cooking at weekends so he's not completely lazy).

We don't do much as a family, if I suggest something, no one is really keen. I guess we're all just disconnected. It's getting me so down, does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks!

It seems that both of you are over tired. Is there a way to get some external support? Easier said than done, i know.

I think you need to find a 'distant relative' that you suddenly need to see for a few weeks, leaving him in sole charge of the children and house. He's not going to be persuaded or encouraged into being more engaged with the family. (And your son is quite right... he is completely lazy in spite of cooking a few meals) He'll have to be given no choice.

I would ask him'what changes do you need to make in your life so you can be a father to your children?' and see what he says.

Open ended questions are great for opening up communication.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

How old are your children?.

I would also ask him similar to the question Joysmum has posted.

What are his parents like, were they the same with him when he was growing up?.

When did the rot really set in here, this sounds like its been going on for a long time, perhaps years even. Infact it could well be that he has never taken much interest in his own children.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too as well as doing the barest of minimums. No wonder his son hates him. His DD could end up with someone like her dad as well long term, she is also being shown here that this is acceptable to you and this is what family life is like. What do you think your children will remember about their own childhoods here?.

I am not surprised you are not giving him the attention he thinks he deserves given his disconnect from the family unit he also helped create. Are you all there really just to serve him and his interests?.

Thank you for your replies. Ds is 11 and dd is 7.

He used to be quite good with ds when he was very little, he would take him to the park (although asked by me, as I needed a break).

His parents were the same. he grew up with a lot of independence and used to hang out with his friends out of the house from quite a young age.

We move countries quite often (every few years) due to his work, so we've never had family close by.

I have broached the subject with dh in the past, but he says they don't ever want to do anything with him. He's set up the pattern so that he doesn't have to I suppose.

When we used to go out for a meal there would be fights over who gets to sit next to me (luckily they've outgrown this). But often when it's the 3 of us, ds says how he loves it when dh isn't with us.

I feel so helpless - I can't change dh. I suppose I just have to think of more things we can do as a family.

cogito I have thought about this idea for a while. I know he'd HATE it if I went away even for a couple of days. And the kids would too.

I'm just feeling a bit deflated at the moment. Thanks for all the suggestions.

Attila that is the worry. What will they remember about their childhoods. They are seeing such a dysfunctional relationship (their mum and dad) and the one they have with their own father.

And to answer "What do you get out of the relationship"?

Not much at the moment. Guilt if I spend too much time with the kids and guilt if I spend too much time with dh.
I want everyone to want to spend time with each other, but it's not how it is, so what can I do?

Do you want to live like this? I don't think I would....

No, I don't. But I want him to change. Is there anything I could give him to read?

"His parents were the same. he grew up with a lot of independence and used to hang out with his friends out of the house from quite a young age".

That is very telling, he is really just repeating what he saw back then with his own children.

What are his parents like?. Do you think they on some level emotionally neglected him, was he really trusted or left by them to get on with it from a young age?.

Have you ever thought about separating from him?. He is not going to change. The children are happier with you anyway because you've also made a real effort with them from a young age. He has clearly not made much effort (and any effort is a token one) so he is reaping what he has sown. I would also wonder if this is really the model of a relationship you want to be presenting them at all. It is to your credit that you have given this some thought already, not everyone does.

It may be too deeply ingrained within his own psyche to change and besides which change has to come from him. You cannot do that for him and he has to want to do that for his own self, not for you.

My XH was very much like this. He actually said once that being asked to spend time together as a family made him feel angry and he didn't know why.

It was part of a much bigger problem, a generally unhappy relationship all round, so we separated. I had written down worst case and best case scenarios for splitting and staying together.

Fortunately the best case scenario has happened. Since splitting up he now has the DCs once a week and is attentive, talks to them, takes them out sometimes to the park, for a McDs or bowling etc. has taken DS1 for nights out to concerts.

As he only has to parent for one day a week he can manage it quite well and then have all the me-time he wants for the other 6 days. Basically he was getting away with no family-time because I was there to pick up the slack. Now when it's just him, he has no choice but to be present and engaged.

Even in the worst case scenario, if he had continued to be a crappy dad, at least it would only have been once a week and for the other 6 days they'd have had a happier home.

...and he also said that his parents weren't really involved and that his counsellor had agreed with him that I had unrealistic ideas about happy family life from watching too much TV!

My parents were always busy too, but there's a world of difference between someone having to work and get things done and someone who would rather sleep and watch TV than spend time together as a family (even if it's only watching a film together !)

Deep down, I know this is the way it will always be. When my parents visit us, I thank goodness that at least they have the role model of my dad who gives them attention, takes them out and plays with them. I always wanted dh to be like my dad.

yes, I've thought about separating from him, for other reasons too, not just this. When I see dads out alone with their kids I get very very envious.

He used to say he's not good with little kids (doesn't know what to do with them) but I'm not seeing anything different now that they're older. Now that ds can play tennis, he says he'd like to take him out to play, but I think he says this because he knows ds says he doesn't want to. I know he'd come with me though.

You're right Attila, the change has to come from him, and it just won't. And it's too late now anyway.

Im assuming you didnt fall pregnant via deceitful means, so he has willingly become a parent? Its just it seems to me like he has decided to just forego that aspect of this life. He is not acting like a father. His kids dislike him being around, he avoids family life, and he wants you to do the same just to keep him company.

This man is not one I woupd want as an active role model to my kids. You kids may grow up thinking this is the sort of partner they should be with; the sort f father tyey need for their kids.

I would want out.

You're already thinking that the only way to solve this is by you doing more and making more effort, coming up with the right things to do etc. That is only going to reinforce the idea that all this is completely your job to organise. Who cares if he wouldn't like you going away for a short time? He knows you don't like the way he behaves but he does it anyway.

Stop feeling guilty.

He makes the choice to go alone to the gym leaving you alone with the DC.

He makes the choice to go alone to bed, wasting what precious few years of DC's childhood you have and leaving you alone with them.

At any time he could chose to become a proper part of this family and have quality time with you and them.

He is making this divide through his actions.

You have few precious years with DC. Don't Let him ruin them by making you feel guilty for his choices or by missing them.

What hours does he work?

He leaves home at 7.15 and is usually back at 6/6.30.

Thank you for all the replies, I'm going to think long and hard about what you're all saying.

Sounds like my DH, works long hours (usually out the house 8-8), knackered at weekends, gym a couple of times a week and only looks after kids (10 & 7) when I ask him to so I can go out, which is about every 6 weeks to see friends. My DH comes from quite a disfunctional family and I really think he just doesn't get how to be a 'dad', his own dad had quite a Victorian attitude to children. I've given up trying to get him to connect with the kids and just do things with them instead but I have no doubt our marriage is suffering.

My DH does longer hours than that and looks forward to time with our daughter, sees it as leisure time and not work at all.

If he's tired then they'll watch something together or she'll try to give him a massage or help him to relax.