How can I get him to trust me?

[Dietagainmonday]

My dh and I have been together 4 years and have one dc.
We were both cheated on in our previous relationships so decided early on in our relationship that we wouldn't go out for the evening separately (drinks/parties).
My dh works away approx 2 weeks of the month and often gets moody before he goes, saying he has a gut feeling something is wrong or has a bad dream with me cheating in it. He's often moody on the phone too I'm getting really pissed off as I have never have or have no intention of doing anything to spoil our marriage ! I constantly reassure him that I wouldn't do anything and have given him no reason to doubt me!
I don't see friends, don't really leave the house unless it's work related, don't really make a effort with appearance, changed my mobile number, don't speak to any men, I am always contactable. I basically have no life and I'm still get accused of shit!
It has got better, before dc he used to call me throughout the night when he was having his doubts so I could reassure him. I used to think it was because he was scared of losing me and was happy to reassure in the early days but it's wearing me out now. I feel that he'll never trust me and after all the reassuring him I get really upset. He's saying his gut feelings are always true what the hell can I do?

Oh, god, you can't live like that! You're in a prison!

The irony, of course, is that he is away from home for two weeks per month. Is he on an oil rig? If not, there will be other women around so if anyone should be suspicious, it's you.

Whose idea was it that you should never go out without each other? At that point was he working away from home?

I appreciate you have both been hurt, but really this is no life for you. It must be really awful. All I can say is that I couldn't live like that. I don't think he will ever change - if anything, I think he'll get worse.

Telling he is being oppressive and disgustingly controlling.
He really needs to work on trust. Either he respects and trusts you and is in an adult relationship or he just wants some sort of relationship robot for company.
He his using emotional manipulation so he never has to trust you.
You cannot have mutual trust if you cannot live a normal life.

When he says his gut feelings are always true, tell him you'll believe him if he chooses six winning numbers on the lottery! It's a ridiculous thing for him to say because it's plain his gut feelings regarding you are wrong.

He is using your earlier experience of cheating partners as an excuse to control you, manipulate you and keep you in check.

Trust needs to be built. I don't quite 'trust' my DD to walk to school alone yet. So she walks a min ahead of me. It used to be a few paces ahead. Then a few more.

I trust her to go to the local shop. Because we built up to it (letting her select and go to the till when I was looking at a paper, walking her to and from).
He needs to start to trust in order to grow in confidence. And up a bit.

He's saying his gut feelings are always true well they're not are they! As he hasn't been proven right.

We were both cheated on in our previous relationships so decided early on in our relationship that we wouldn't go out for the evening separately (drinks/parties) so your relationship started on mistrust and has always had mistrust as one of your foundations.

Why did you get married, was it his idea or yours?

Imperial funny enough it was my idea to only go out together as he was working nights at that point and was convinced something would happen so I happily suggested it to put his mind at ease.
With work he is sent on jobs so different places around the country for week at a time. I really don't think he's cheating as he's sent all over the place, he's been trying to find local work but the money is crap around here.

i am in a similar situation although it is getting better. i dont think the issue here really is trust it is more about control.

there is no way he can not trust you with your friends yet you dont see them anymore.

i know how easy it is to fall under their spell. in the beginning it all feels quite flattering that they care so much and you are happy to put their mind at ease because you love them but believe me it just keeps on gettinf worse. i ended up in counselling which is where i began to see the real picture.

it can change but i think u have to get to the point where you are not worried about upsetting them anymore.

i really hope u r ok it is a lonely place to be and the emotional torture is debilitating. keep sharing your feelings here. i always wanted to but mn scares me sometimes.

I'm not suggesting he's being unfaithful, OP, but he is the one who is away from home and literally could be doing anything, yet he is the one who thinks you're up to no good.

I couldn't live with that level of scrutiny and mistrust.

We both wanted to get married and both wanted a child. I suppose I have done all this myself not going out so he can't worry, not making a effort with appearance so he doesn't think I'm looking to meet someone. I just wanted him to trust me and not give him any reason to worry about it.

You need to get away from this controlling bastard.

Seriously.

This is not a good man.

Dietagain What you are describing is codependency, not interdependent relationship. It has been built on mutual mistrust and compromise, and unless you're both willing to change the very foundations on which it has been built i.e. by dealing, individually, with trust and betrayal -- then I'm not sure how you're going to be able to have what you want. Your emerging feelings are what are seeping through the cracks of something that is simply not going to hold as it is.

He is unlikely to change. He will never trust you. And I think that suit him just fine.

It is not about trust. It is about control.

You have tailored your life to fit in with his "gut feeling", and it is still not enough. You have not given him any reason to doubt you, yet you are kept in check because somebody else once cheated on him. How is this fair?

its not your fault. you can change it though.

how about arranging to meet a friend and seeing what happens?

with regards to him needing to trust u im still not sure where i stand with that. with my dp i sway between thinking he is that insecure, he is afraid of being 'shown up' or that he is upto something. i believe with trust it should be there until something is done to break it.

funnily with my dp i am the one who has never done anything wrong!

Do you realise his behaviour is not a sign of how much he loves you?

You let yourself go just so he can feel happy?

You need to get a grip on reality and realise that this man is controlling every little corner of your life.

Setting a terrible relationship model for your child.

He needs professional help not for you to stop having a life!

This is really embarrassing but last Friday we had sex on sofa on Saturday he saw a mark on sofa and went all quiet, then said 'its things like this that starts my mind off' ffs. Yes we had sex and there was a mark on leather couch from us!
Another was he went on fb when he was away and it said I was on there 4 hours ago ( which would have been 3 in the morning) I wasn't on there I was asleep but I can't prove that can I.

this wont get any better until you a) leave him or b) accept what it really is all about.

i sound harsh but i know because i am going through it too. i chose not to ltb because i actually dont want to but i have chosen to not bow down to this ridiculousness. once u get to that point u actually have the power as they cant bare that you dont care anymore and they have lost control.

Goodness OP, this really is no way to 'live', but I think you already know that.

You will never be able to MAKE someone trust you, trust is earned and built upon. How can you ever show him how trustworthy you are if you are never allowed to be in a position where you can? (and there is something fundamentally wrong with you being 'allowed' to be in that position as well)

Your 'life' sounds utterly suffocating and you already sound as if you are beginning to resent him for his behaviour. The resentment will only fester and can only spell trouble for you and your marriage.

'I don't have a life and I still get accused of shit' is also a very telling sentence.......I know of quite a few people who felt like this and ended up making some choice decisions (not saying that you would).

Also, regards your dc, do you really want them to grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship? That isolation, manipulation, controlling, paranoia are all completely acceptable traits to have in a marriage? I know I wouldn't.

to you for having to feel like this xx

Sorry, overdid the old quotations there

He's not trying to trust you, he's insisting you be above suspicion. You don't trust someone who's above suspicion, you don't need to. Which is good if you find trust scary. Or don't understand it because you know you yourself can't be trusted.

Lived in two such relationships, and if there's a way of getting the untrusting partner to change their ways, I never found it.

He is scared that you will cheat on him. You respond by changing your behaviour so that you face no temptation to cheat. This implies that the only thing stopping you from cheating is lack of opportunity. Thus 'proving' his gut feeling about your character despite all your promises of fidelity. Thus he puts even more effort into stopping you from having the opportunity to cheat.

Your trust in him has built up to the extent that he goes away for two weeks at a time.

His trust in you has not built up at all.

Start going out, call your old friends, make some new ones, talk to men, join club, join a night class etc. Continue not cheating on him even if there is an opportunity. Tell him you are doing this to prove that his gut is malfunctioning.

Being charitable, perhaps he hasn't realised that the problem is with him not you.

Hopefully, getting your social life back will force him to come to terms with the problem being all in his mind, not with your behaviour, and he will take action sort out his mental health somehow.

Has he seen a counsellor about his misplaced anxiety yet?

If he won't seek help then you've got a whole different problem.

What an awful way to live, and sorry OP but he's the one who is away all the time, in my experience men who are this OTT over trust issues, is because they've done bad and think you will do the same.

Unbelievable that you have cut contact with the outside world just to feed his craziness, you are a person in your own right you know and you can bloody well make an effort with your appearance if you so wish, that is no life you are leading.

Where was the post on FB that says you were on there at 3am? Did he take a screen shot of it? Can he prove that he saw such a thing? Probably not because it doesn't exist.

This is another way of him manipulating you sweet, next time he comes out with something like this then ask 'can you show me please because if that's the case I need to contact FB as my account has been hacked'. I bet a years wages he won't be able to show you will come up with a million excuses why you can't because it's a lie.