really need advice

[crazydaisy10]

I really need some help. Ive lurked on these boards for many years but don't post. I'm desperate, I'm mentally unwell, and sadly I did something silly that resulted in me going to hospital the other evening. I'm fine now.
Been separated from H for over a year now. It was a mutual agreement as the relationship was toxic. We have 2 dd and until recently access was going well. We are currently at 55/45 split, with me making allowances if he needs to change his days etc. Now he's demanding more time with them. He's a bully and i end up being abused, manipulated, and shouted at until i give in to him. It's the main reason I wanted out. I had no life. Everything is about him and what he wants. He's extremely self entitled and it's like he thinks i should still be running around for him and putting his needs first despite us being separated and him having a girlfriend (way after we split up incase you were wondering and am not bothered by it - she needs a medal).
Things have gotten worse for me in the past few months. I'm on AD's and emotionally I'm struggling. He seems to be revelling in it. For my own sanity i stopped answering his calls but would respond to texts if they were about the children. He went ballistic. He demands everything be his way. I left my marriage because there was nothing in it for me, I needed a life too. I couldn't keep facilitating his whims etc at my expense. If he can't get his own way he threatens to not pay his half of mutual costs we haf during the marriage knowing full well i can't do it alone.

I'm scared he's trying to take my children. I'm very unwell and I'm scared he
will bully me into taking them away. I can't think straight. I need practical advice. Thanks for reading x

1. Make an appointment to see a solicitor.
2. In the meantime, get a sheet of paper and every time he contacts you, make a note of it - with date, time, method and what he said or write out the text word for word.

Is there a specific type of solicitor i need? Will i get financial help? I can't afford to pay. He can. They're going to ruin me ??

Is it worth trying your local CAB? They can either advise (although not legal specialists) or give you a list of solicitors who take legal aid (if you qualify - not easy nowadays unless there's evidence of violence) or may do pro bono or at least be cheap. Not so commonly these days, some solicitors will give you a free half hour "taster"; it won't get you all that far but at least they can give you an idea of where you stand.

Do try and get some support for your MH as well, if you don't already (sometimes ADs from the GP just don't do enough). Sounds like your ex is doing your poor brain no good at all. He needs to be made to back off. Your children should not be left with someone that horrible looking after them more than half the time!

... solicitor specialising in family law if you can get one.

Thank you. I am getting help with my mh issues its just his selfishness and bullying excacerbate them. He'll go on and on and rant and rave until I give in. I did that for many years. I don't have to now. I've been more than reasonable in the past. Allowing him to change days etc but now he's saying I'm depriving him of a social life? All I've said is that unless it's an emergency if he wants to go out on the days he has the kids he should get a sitter. He's got someone willing to do it. But no, I'm the evil ex trying to ruin his life. I don't understand it at all

Copy or save the texts. Keep the answer phone messages and if you can record your phones calls. Get a calendar to record all the incidents.
Go to C A B they can help.
He is making you ill. Please to tell yourself this over and over. Try to be strong. Have a standard phrase like ' I will talk to you but only when you talk respectfully ' then put the phone down. Say nothing else. Say this every time he gets horrid. No other phrase , say nothing else. Don't engage in a conversation from it. It you give yourself one line this will help you use it. Another tact is silence. It's extremely powerful. When he is horrid say nothing. And I mean nothing. Be silent. Humans can't cope with silence. He will then need to fill in the silence and it's human nature to back track. Try it. It's very hard to do but amazing when you do. If he calms down talk normally like it's never happened. Silence is much much stronger and more powerful than words. Please try it. It will help you get a little stronger. In turn that may help you heal a little.

You may be able to get legal aid but a solicitor will be able to advise you.

If not try:

www.lawworks.org.uk/

www.barprobono.org.uk/

Thank you so much. You've no idea how much this is helping. I need to do the silence thing and stick to it. He absolutely hates that, he flies into a rage. Unfortunately I shout back and that's where it all goes horribly wrong. I'm so scared he's going to take my babies. They're the only things keeping sane. I just want all of this to stop.

I understand your fears, but believe me a selfish knob like he is will not want two children living with him, stopping his all-important social life. He knows this threat will work and that is the only reason he is using it.

That's a really good point. He is doing because he knows it will work. Its hard when you're alone with nobody to back you up and you can't think for yourself without checking with someone else.
I never used to be like this

Write on a piece of paper 'say nothing' 'he wants you to loose it' and 'I will only talk when you're calm'. Write this in bold and leave it by your phone. Put one on the fridge. Put one by your bed. Put one stuck on the back of your mobile. Having reminders will help you stay strong.
Keep a pad and pen with you always. When he starts being nasty write down your thoughts. Write down what you want to do. Read it before doing / saying it. This way you can control your response. When your writing your not listening to him. Your giving yourself a few seconds relief from it. It may help. You don't need to hear what he says because it will be the same stuff over and over. Think of him as a robot with a malfunction. Like a stuck record. Think of him like that. He will start to appear ridicous.