Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Had this argument too many times

20 replies

Hotpickle · 06/02/2015 09:08

OH and I have been married for 20 years and have children. When we were first together we had sex lots, as you do. We both enjoyed it. It was great. But as the years have passed and the children have come along, my sex drive has dwindled to nothing, whereas his is still as strong as it always was.

We're constantly arguing about this and nothing ever gets resolved, except for me agreeing to try harder to be more loving towards him, but then I just stop. He is very needy. Constantly needs affection. And I feel he deserves this, but that's not who I am anymore. I need space. I don't want to be my husbands security blanket.

He asks for cuddles, but when I do, he then tries to ask for sex. When I say I don't feel like it, he instantly turns away from me. Like because I'm not giving him what he wants then he's got the hump. This has led to me not wanting the cuddles either, because I sit there waiting for him to ask for sex, knowing I'm going to say no, and knowing that that will lead to confrontation.

Sometimes, when he does kiss me, he tries to get all romantic and tender and it just feels wrong. Like he's doing what he's seen in a film and thinks that this is what I want. Don't get me wrong, I do love warm and tender kissing, but it feels false from him. I dont know how to put this.

I just want my space. We keep having the same old arguments and I'm tired of it. I don't know why I don't want as much contact now. Peri-menopausal? I don't know. We're good friends. I do feel a lot of resentment for various things. He tells me he needs the sex to feel close to me. I tell him I need to feel close to him, before I can have sex.

I think we're both in the wrong here. We both probably are tackling this the wrong way. But I don't want to keep having this argument. I don't want to split up. But I can see it going this way, as I don't see why I should force myself to have sex when I don't want to.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 09:13

Gosh it sounds pretty fucking dull to me. And more than a little bleurgh.

I can just imagine the faces he pulls desperately trying to be romantic.

Have you thought of couples counselling?

dinoswore · 06/02/2015 09:21

I feel sorry for both of you. I probably feel more sorry for him than you, if I'm brutally honest. Although he is definitely going about things the wrong way with the cuddles always having the expectation of something more.

Couples counselling could really help. Relate offer counselling specifically for sexual problems.

Original poster

Hotpickle · 06/02/2015 10:00

We have thought of counselling before. OH had an affair once when our children were small (blaming me, because I was too tired for sex) and he overuses porn and I've asked him if he's prepared to talk about all of this?

There's lots I haven't said. Like how he once went onto an adult sex site and advertised himself as someone interested in threesomes and groupsex. He wants me to be like he sees the women on porn, and as I resent being moved about like a piece of meat, I don't enjoy sex as I used to. There's nothing in there for me to enjoy. It's all about what turns him on, what position is best for him. Whether he can get me to do stuff I'm not comfortable with.

I just want it to be loving sex. not what he's trying to reenact. This just sounds like I'm blaming him all the time and maybe i am, but he's done so much to hurt me in the past and sometimes I just can't let that go.

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/02/2015 10:29

You need to get counselling - this problem won't go away and nobody on MN can really help you. Good luck.

Jan45 · 06/02/2015 15:58

I knew it, another self entitled sleaze, sorry OP but it's not you, who would want sex with a man that can't even cuddle without expecting you to put out - too much porn and too much big-ing himself up online in the sex department I'm afraid - in fact the last thing I'd be doing with him is having sex - I hate men like this, they see women purely for their own pleasure and advantage, there's no two way street.

You have grown into a middle aged adult, sex drives do diminish as we grow, his hasn't because he's probably still indulging in teenage fantasies and porn sites, eugh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2015 16:04

I agree with Jan45.... this really isn't about your libido OP. Your husband's behaviour down the years has been truly appalling, disrespectful and untrustworthy. It will have corroded not only any sexual feeling you have for him but probably your own self-confidence in the process. Who in their right mind would want to have sex with a sleaze like him?

BathtimeFunkster · 06/02/2015 16:04

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

He treats you like a piece of meat.

Why not end your marriage and find someone nice to have actually nice sex with?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2015 16:12

"sometimes I just can't let that go."

Why should you let anything go? Do you feel some sort of obligation to him to keep taking the bad behaviour on the chin and come back for more punishment? If you keep forgiving and trying to 'let go', the only message he hears is that what he's doing is fine and dandy. You'll never get a loving relationship that way. If anything, you're more likely to get more bad behaviour, rejection and contempt.

Original poster

Hotpickle · 06/02/2015 16:13

Thanks for all your responses. I do value your opinions. When you've been in a situation for so long, sometimes you can't see the woods for the trees.

I shall tell him how it all makes me feels (again) and see what he says.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2015 16:18

With respect, he already knows how you feel because you've been having the same argument for years. He doesn't care enough how you feel to change behaviour ..... and that's quite a different matter

mamaslatts · 06/02/2015 16:27

Your second post paints a completely different situation and makes your first post seem very generous towards him. I think the resentment has killed your sex drive (no surprise really) and his entitled, sulky attitude is making things worse. I think you probably do have a sex drive, just not with someone who has cheated on you, blamed you for it and has been putting the pressure on ever since. what happened after his affair? Was anything 'resolved' as such? What happened after he was found out about the website?

I'm not sure he wants to sort anything out with regards to your feelings, he just wants you to have sex with him.

Hullygully · 06/02/2015 16:28

oh dear...he doesn't want sex with you, he wants his fantasy to come to life, that's why you feel so reluctant and uninvolved

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2015 16:30

So you lost all respect for him years ago.
You resent him and his ways.
You probably like him but you certainly don't love him any more.
Is it time to set each other free?
How old are your DC?

OvertiredandConfused · 06/02/2015 16:31

OP, I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but he DOES know how it makes you feel. He also needs to realise that, unless he shapes up and behaves appropriately and treats you with respect, your marriage will be over.

He chooses to behave badly. You choose to let him get away with it, the only consequence is that you don't want to have sex with him - and who would?! You have choices here too.

I really think you need some counselling - maybe yourself before together.

Good luck

hamptoncourt · 06/02/2015 16:32

I cannot really see the point in having the same old argument again and again like this.

He sounds fairly disgusting to be honest, I am not surprised you don't want to have sex with him, most women wouldn't.

You have to decide whether to stick with him and put up with his behaviour, or whether to leave. Why didn't you leave when he cheated on you before? How do you know he isn't still doing it?

Jan45 · 06/02/2015 16:34

I wouldn't trust what he's getting up to either, whether online or not, he could give you anything, sounds like he's up for anything.

Goneintohibernation · 06/02/2015 16:41

After reading your OP, I felt vaguely sorry for him. After reading the update, about the porn, the affair, and the rest of it, not so much. I can see entirely why you don't want to have sex with him, who would? You say you don't know why you don't want to be close to him, I think you have plenty of good reasons. Did he ever accept that the affair was not your fault? That would take a lot of getting over, even if he did take responsibility for his behaviour, which it doesn't sound like he has.

dinoswore · 06/02/2015 16:51

Apologies to you, OP. I replied early on on the thread, saying I felt more sorry for him.

Now I've read the update I can see exactly why you don't want to have sex with him. Who the hell wants to perform like a pornstar? How is that a satisfying mutual experience? Sex isn't a performance. And that's before even thinking about the affair and online shenanigans.

So sorry. Your problem isn't your own libido.

middlethird · 06/02/2015 16:53

you wont get through to him OP, I'm sorry. He is conditioned this way - unless he is willing to change.

I really feel for you, truly.

Perhaps it's time to let it go.

DeliciousMonster · 06/02/2015 21:20

I shall tell him how it all makes me feels (again) and see what he says.

Really? How did that work for you last time, exactly?

Flip