Sanity check & responses needed for Exh being a twunt about handovers.

[miniscule]

Been divorced from ex for a long time now & always done 50/50. It's worked well and we're mostly amicable and civil.

However he's always been selfish & lazy, believes his time is the most important and expects to always get his own way. If he doesn't he can get quite nasty and get me back in other ways (not being flexible for family birthdays is one way he's done it before).

I've always done more of the pickups and dropping off at handover (2 a week due to the 50/50) but in the last few months he's basically stopped doing any and always expects me to drop them to him every weekend. I think it's because I've now moved "away" to live with my DP. Away btw is now only 4 miles from his house when before I was just over a mile.

So I emailed him to suggest that he picks them up every other weekend & I'll carry on doing the rest of them. I think that's more than fair but he's come back asking why it's such a problem me dropping them off!!!

I'm not being stupid am I, he should be doing half really shouldn't he?

So wise women of MN, how do I respond to twatface?

Sorry for any typos, on my phone.

My Oh always does the pick up and drop off.

Suggest that. Then he might agree to half and half.

Stop running around after him.

If he wants to see them, he comes and gets them. Once he is bored with them, he brings them back.

For every comment he makes 'why is such a problem you doing it' go back with 'It isn't - why is it such a problem you doing it?' Or how about 'No problem.' and no nothing else. When he says 'where are the kids' you say 'erm, here. If you want them, why don't you come and get them?'

I would be the grownup here and not get into a silly power battle, perhaps he's feeling a little jealous that you have now moved in with your dp. (not justifying the behaviour but just seeing if there is something behind it especially if relationship has been civil in the past).

I would just state that you're trying to ensure there is equal responsibility for drop offs. Propose EOW and then ask if he has any better suggestions for sharing drop offs. DH's ex made drop offs such an issue, even when she moved further away, and it always seemed so childish and petty and it became obvious to the children who behaved badly.

I know he's jealous of me moving in with DP, but it's almost ten years since we split so think I'm allowed to move on!

Deliciousmonster, that's my logic, I go & get them from him because I want to see them so he should do the same and collect them from me.

Newstart, I did suggest EOW so he only has to do two pickups per month to my six but even that is a problem for him. He is childish & petty and the DC's, who are now teens, know that.

I replied saying that it was one sided me doing it all and he should do EOW as I had suggested so will have to see how he replies.

If he doesn't I'm just going to have to stand my ground and not take them this weekend. But this does scare me as I know he'll get nasty at some point. He can't bear to 'lose' even if he's totally in the wrong. I would love to know how he's justifying this in his head though??

Honestly, I don't think this is a hill to die on.

If your DCs are teens, you only have another few years of this left. Why not leave him to his petty triumphs so you can avoid wasting your time on bigger battles.

If the DC know he is childish and petty, it might be an idea to reference that. Nicely, of course...

'I think it's a good idea going forward that we share pickups and drop-offs - the children have noticed the imbalance and I don't want them thinking badly of you for not doing your share. I'm sure you agree that we are in agreement about setting a good example for them with both our behaviour, where they see both of us acting fairly and sharing responsibility for them.'

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Biblio, that's what I've done over the years, try to rise above & not be petty but he's just taken more & more liberties. I've done every parents evening, take DC's to every haircut, most dentists, orthodontists and doctors apts, do the bulk of holiday cover (even though he gets more days off than me, both work full time). I've just had enough of him dodging his fair share of responsibility. And don't get me started on the money side of it!

Brian, I like your thinking!

Still no reply to my last email so either he agrees and doesn't want to admit it or I'm in for a full on rant next time I see him.

And if he does...

"No! You simply cannot speak to me like that any more. If you want to see the kids, come and get them."

Repeat, ad nauseum!