RED FLAGS? Attracted to a similar woman (Advice needed and welcome!)!

[Arsenal123]

Hi I am 29 and recently came out of a 3 year relationship with a very needy and insecure girl who I loved dearly. I have never been married.

The first month hurt, the following 5 were good - I had no interest in women at all. Longing for something, I then signed up to a dating site and initially didn't have much luck. I did get chatting to a girl on there of the same age. To cut a long story short I am extremely attracted to her. She has two small children by two different men. She is constantly on the dating site and texts me a heck of a lot too. While there could be a good explanation for the failed relationships and prolonged use of the site, I just wondered if I should be on guard. I have been quite open with her about my ambitions and hopes in terms of a relationship and while this felt good I also felt a little vulnerable because I wouldn't usually confide such things in anyone.

She is a year out of a semi-serious relationship which she described as a waste of time because her partner was always working. I am guilty of working lots of long and obscure hours. This was a massive problem for my last girlfriend but I wanted to work hard to form the foundations for a comfortable family life. This included re-training for a better career.

Although I can't judge her, I feel I might be making a mistake if I meet her. I could easily fall deeply based on desire/attraction or just become attached because of how close our conversations by text have been. From my past experience the problems only arise when tough times are encountered and by then I had fallen in too deep.

What would you do? Date a girl with two small children by different men and risk another heartache? Or would you cast your net a little wider and look for a more ideal situation?

I think you have judged her with the comments about 2 dc by 2 different men. Irrelevant.

If you have this many concerns before meeting her then I wouldn't bother, it's unlikely it will turn into a match made in heaven.

I'd cut your losses and keep looking.

You're investing far too much in this emotionally before meeting. You might meet and have zero chemistry anyway in which case all this agonising would have been pointless. Better off just meeting people quite soon off dating sites, you can't tell much about a person till you meet. Prolonged messaging just creates a false sense of intimacy and can foster anxiety and over analysis before you even know if you actually fancy this person.

I see what you mean and partially agree. Although my main flaw is to still pursue a relationship with a lady I am attracted to and justifying it in my mind by saying we can work things out. Don't get me wrong, I have loved a woman who I was incompatible with in the past dearly but ultimately we were too different.

Maybe take time to decide exactly what you do want in a woman and what you don't - not only the spark and attractiveness but the traits like going out v staying at home, neatness, how much housework you're willing to do, how to handle money, things like generosity / kindness - and then decide what is essential to you and what you're willing to compromise on and what doesn't matter.

it sounds a bit calculating maybe but it's not. A bit of pragmatism in a relationship can save a helluva lot of heartache, long as it's not taken too far.

er yes. children. another one for the list. Minor detail, that.

you have another thread running about needy women with dodgy pasts