He wants to get back in her life, dd doesn't want to know

[Tea1Sugar]

Dd1 is nearly 5. She last saw her bio dad 2.5 years ago. She probably saw him a dozen times from birth to 2, maximum 6 hours at a time. He left when she was 3 weeks. No cards/texts or calls to ask about her. Until recently he paid csa but that's now ceased due to "circumstances".. He now wants to see her but she is absolutely bereft. Begging me not to let her. She's been having sleepless nights, insists on dp (in all intents and purposes been her dad since she was 1) puts her to bed every night and wakes her in the morning. She's petrified of him being replaced. I don't even know where ex lives these days. Do I really have to drag her kicking and screaming? It's heart breaking.

I'm sure someone will come along soon with some advice, but it doesn't sound right that she should have to just toddle off to his EOW because he decides out of the blue that he fancies it :/

Forgot vital info. 6 months ago he said the same and we agreed on a slow "getting to know dd schedule" as so much had time had past. He agreed. But then 6 months have past and he hasn't acted on any of what we agreed.

I would strongly advise, if you haven't already started, documenting all of this.. If it ever gets as far as courts this will all act in your favour..

I would say no as he has shown himself to be very inconsistent. Keep communications to email only and save them all. If he wants to take you to court, let him, but I doubt he will make a fuss. If he wanted to be involved, he would have. Your daughters young age makes me say no now, if she was older (say 10ish?) then she could decide for herself. If he does insist, you can insist on supervised visits if it really distresses your daughter and until he can prove himself consistent.

Of course you don't have to drag her. Unless he has been to court and obtained an order then nothing can compel her to see him. Is it in her interests? I'd say no.

If you feel his intentions aren't sincere , that he won't keep it up I would use another approach.
Say he can meet d but on your terms. This would involve a very slow process that if he ducks out of will make no difference to your d.
Arrange to meet somewhere neutral like a ball pit place. You , d and p go. You meet f there. You sit and have a cup of tea. You and your p take it in turns to run round with her. Let f join in with you or on his own if d instigates it. You both going shows your d that you are not replacing your p. that seeing her f is seperate to your family unit. Your family unit does not change.
Explain to f this is going to happen and the reasons why. You may find it never happens. Be strong with your terms. This will also show your p that he has and will always have the stronger position with your d. I know sitting down and having a cuppa with an ex will be awful but this keeps it in control and makes your d feel protected.
I would not talk to your d about it until it is going to happen. Tell her you p is her forever dad and that will never change. Buy her a symbol of this. Two hearts one with his name on and one with her name on. Your p hangs the one with her name from his key ring so she has his name in a little box in her room. Children this age react very well to symbols. Words are said and go. They are not great with permanence of words at that age. But a symbol of what you mean is always there. Your p gives it to her and reminds her of it occasionally. Good luck.

I agree with heyho. Do not just give her to him, he is a stranger.

From the sound of him, he will most likely lose interest anyway.

Do not give him to her. Document all past contact; indicate the broken promises and lack of interest/involvement. Particularly the broken promises.

Also document her distress. Be meticulous about it. Also her attachment to her stepdad.

Let him take it to court, produce this diary there. It will fall out as it falls out, but this record of broken promises and uninterest isn't going to help his case at all.

I agree, document it all, reassure your dd she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.
Let him take you to court & CAFCASS will most likely get involved & they are there to act in the interests of the child.