How am I supposed to explain to dd why she can't see her father?

[MsPunky]

Dd is 5. She hasn't seen her father for 18 months and will never be allowed to again whist she is a child.

He is a very bad person but dd has some lovely memories of him. She asked about him often and gets very upset at times.

I just don't know how to explain to her that he is a bad person and that she wouldn't be safe with him. This is breaking her heart and I don't know what to do.

the truth but age appropriate - if he was mentally ill say so, if he committed a crime find the right words by talking to a child psychologist who is specialized in this . it is like bereavement for her.

How difficult. I am all for telling the truth to children. I think that they have a radar for lies and that lies are ultimately more damaging than the truth. Something along the lines of "Daddy has done some things that were very wrong" rather than "Daddy is very bad", keeps the focus on the crimes rather than the individual being beyond redemption. I would try and be neutral but honest about her Dad, and not attempt to put a positive spin on it, as when she is a young teenager she may well want to see him more and be keen to diminish the crimes herself, which may mean she is vulnerable when she turns 18 and is able to see him. You can explain that sometimes, for reasons that are complicated and hard to understand, some people do things that are wrong and hurt others, and that when that happens they go to a place where they are kept away from other people for a while. I imagine she may hear he is in prison, in the playground etc? If she doesn't know anything about it, it would be a horrible shock. I am very uncertain as to what you suggest she says to friends though. There will be others on here better placed to advise you on that. What a terrible situation for you to be in. You sound a wonderful Mum btw.

Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate all your thoughts.

We did a little bit of support from ss but their resource a very limited and once they'd established that dd and I were ok they withdrew.

I myself and seeing a counsellor next week but that's very specific to what happened to me. I phoned victim support and I'm going to see a lady from there. I'm hoping they'll be able to support dd as well as me.

I'm definitely going to put together a little book with some pictures.

It's all a bit overwhelming!

And thanks for saying I'm a good Mum I don't always feel that way. I'm consumed with guilt.

Please don't feel guilty for someone elses crimes. You are not the one at fault. You are obviously doing your best to love and support your small daughter in dreadful circumstances.

i am glad you seeing a counsellor. but for dd you might need to go via gp and get the referral to child and adolescent mental health which manage all the local child and family therapists teams. your counselor might be able to advise the process to go thru in your area to access the right support.
you might need to over emphasize that dd is asking questions and getting upset to push the referral.

but it might be good for you to seek advice from a child psychologist professional first . who you can explain your specific situation to.

be careful of saying he is ill or unwell as when you or her are unwell it might create confusion and anxiety at what might happen

Poor little girl, and poor you. I am sure you will find the right words.